My father in law is always including my brother in law in family activities. My brother in law has issues with drugs and alcohol and is a complusive lier. My father in law says we need to make him feel like he is part of a family, but my brother in law doesn't act like he wants to be a part of a family. He has been put in rehad and left he doesn't want to stop drinking.He has stole from us and in one of his lies claimed he was sexually molested, and then said he never said it. I have a 3 year old son that I don't want exposed to his lifestyle, he is gay and is self destructing. My father in law has now invited him to stay at my house when he comes to visit. My father in law did not ask and is upset with me for not wanting him in my house or around my son. My father in law continues to help him even though he continues to mess up. My father in law thinks he is changing b/c he has actually held a job for 6 months. It upsets me that I am the problem, and not my brother in law.
2007-03-15 04:51:18 · 22 answers · asked by cat12 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
i was wondering how spouse feels about this? Why doesn't your FL invite his son to stay with him? Here is the bottom line we can't change who are family is (or our in-laws) my feeling is that if u feel that strongly regarding your child being around this person there is a reason for it. you can support him from a distances with encouraging words but at the same time let him know that u have a 3 year old son that you have an obligation to first and you are very uncomfortable with him. your FL will most likely always be there for him and we most likely always grab on to any little hope he can. he hasn't figured out yet that he is really doing his son more harm then good. you will not always be able to shelter your child from gays, and really why would u want to. its a fact of life. my concern for u is that he makes up stories about sexual molestation. u have to wonder what is going on in his head. then to denie it (which means he lied when he said it and as usual does not remember that lie he told) but why did he say it? what was going on in his head when he said it.
u can't back down if you don't want him staying with you then u must say NO. if you don't and something happens whos fault is it then. it is like u are igorning all these warnings. i would say no just bcuz u were never asked. that is rude and they should know up front that u won't have that. i know what u mean about feeling like part of a family and his not really wanting that. my stepson (19) only wants to be part of the family when he wants something. he is good too he should be an actor. everytime we caved in (hope) we were ripped off, our car stoled, and so much more i don't have the time to go into it. the last time he needed to get bailed out in the middle of the night i went and then brought him home bcuz it was in the middle of a snow strom. we caught him doing inapproiate things with his brother (13 at the time) after their father vomitted and cried i called the cops. we never allowed him in the house again or helped him
2007-03-15 05:40:46 · answer #1 · answered by Kim N 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Uh I can relate. My husband's siter and her husband and their 5 children all ahve drug alcohol or other issues going on. My 4.5 year old loves them all very very much. They have been in his life since he was born and their issues have exploded when he was 3 years old. I know what you mean about not wanting your child around that BIL. SO I am in a similar dilemna. And my husband has invited any of those neices and nephews to come live with us if they need help and my FIL wants the 16 year old drug addict to babysit my 3 children
Well obviously none of those good natured well intentioned offers is EVER going to happen as far as I am concerned. But from my experience no matter how many times my huisband offers a spare room to one of these family to start over in a new place, they never ever take him up on it. They know the house rules here and they are strict and unfortunately they rather go about drinking, druggging and other stuff.
Now my son does beg to see his aunt, uncle and cousins. What we've decided is it has to be in a nutreal place away from the bad behavior they do. We go to a Mcdonalds or a restaurant where the visit can only last for a short period of time and then they can't smoke drink or fight with eachother.
Good luck
2007-03-15 05:13:58 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been in a similar situation with my 4 month old son, and talking never helped, it only made family members angry and defensive. Since actions speak louder than words, whenever the person called my husband to tell him he was coming over or just showed up unexpectedly, I packed up my son and left. He eventually got the hint, and now only visits occasionally, briefly, and never without my being there. That way if things do change in the future, he won't be a stranger to my son. So my advice, when this guy shows up, you welcome him to your home, and then take your son to a hotel for the duration. You won't even have to argue or try to explain yourself again. Eventually, he'll stop coming and your in-laws will stop inviting him.
2007-03-15 06:11:36 · answer #3 · answered by luvlandon2006 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are your child's first and only line of defense, no not fail him! You are the mother and must do whatever it takes to protect your son. Think of what is best for your child, everything else is secondary. If you are afraid to stand up and put your foot down you will fail as a mother. Nobody else can "make" you out him up in your house. If your son is exposed to things like drugs and alcohol abuse now, there will be no undoing the damage. Once it's done, it's done.
Be the mother lion your son needs and protect him!
2007-03-15 04:59:15 · answer #4 · answered by . 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well actually you ARE the problem. Your father in law has every right to invite whomever he chooses to family events. However he did over step his boundaries by inviting the brother in law to stay in your home without consulting you. However, children are exposed to people of different lifestlyes everyday, lifestlyes that you may or may not approve of. If your son is in day care or pre school do you know for certain what those at the day care/preschool do when they LEAVE their place of employment? Do you purchase groceries? Can you honestly say that everyone who works in that grocery store has a lifestlye that you would approve of? How about your family physician? Just because your son is "exposed" to these lifestyles doesn't mean he is going to adopt them as his own. You and your spouse are his parents and it is up to the two of YOU to teach him what is acceptable and not, and not by eliminating those in our families who don't complay with our own values. I just think of it this way...Christ didn't pick and choose his followers based on their morals or their values, he accepted everyone for who they were and showed them love and by doing so the DID change. Maybe that is what your father in law is doing...While you like those who would have stoned Mary Magdalean stand in judgement...and WHO was it who rescued her from the stoning?
2007-03-15 05:06:49 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I can honestly tell you; this is not your problem. You're going to have to put your foot down on this one. Your son doesn't need to be exposed to destructive behavior; family or otherwise. If your father can't respect and understand, that's his problem and not yours. Uninvite your brother in law and let your father in law no why. If he's big on keeping him around; have him stay with him. Look at it this way; you didn't break it; therefore you can't fix it =)
2007-03-15 05:01:43 · answer #6 · answered by suzlaa1971 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I, like many would like to know what your wife thinks about the situation..she is the childs mother, right? and your brother-in-law's sister?........If she feels the same as you, then why don't you get out an order to prevent him from coming to your home, due to his being a bad influence on your son..(re. alcocholism which could lead to further bad influences)....contact a family counsellor and discuss it with that person.....include the childs mother, your wife...best of luck with the solution...(Your father-in-law is just a Dad like you. He still has hope that he can save his son. Don't judge him too harshly, but yes, you do have to protect yours if you think he could be placed at risk of harm)..........
2007-03-15 05:02:34 · answer #7 · answered by ozzy chik... 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try a support group, like NarAnon- families with a drug addict relative. Learn what others have done and tried in that situation. What does your husband think about his brother and father's behavior. Protect your son but don't hide from the family thing.
2007-03-15 04:56:35 · answer #8 · answered by Outside the box 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well i understand that you don't want your child around him remember that is your child and you know what type of people u want them around i.........i also understand what your step dad is saying some people do things like that when they don't think they are loved or feel left out, but if he continues on doing things that are not right and everyone is doing all the can do and treating him good just let it go because he has to have a set mind to stop...so no i don't think you are wrong i would do the same thing
2007-03-15 08:49:25 · answer #9 · answered by honey 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm on your side but come to think of it isn't that exactly what your father in law is trying to do for his child?Considering that you have a very young child yup you need to take a step and make it clear to your father in law that you don't want a drug addict in your house:)PEACE
2007-03-15 05:01:24 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋