happen again? my husband is in the military and was abused as a child. he has done things in the past (not actually hit me, but threw me around the living room and held me down... things like that) His best friend told me yesterday that he used to actually hit his ex wife. its been about a year since any incidences. i dont know if he believes that hes an abusive person, but does agree that he needs help. if we cant get help, then i wont be able to stay with him. he has a wonderful heart, but this is a huge milestone... we have 2 small children and they are exposed to the fighting. im very serious, i dont know where to turn. if you tell anyone about it, they report it, and probably take your children away, and the military would kick him out. so where can we actually get REAL HELP?
2007-03-14 19:29:00 · 9 answers · asked by *never give up* 4 in Health ➔ Mental Health
yes, i do believe it is abuse, and that it could happen again. my issue is getting the help...and isnt everything in marriage a "we" issue?
2007-03-14 19:48:43 · update #1
Get him help It will just get worse, trust me i know my dad was abusive.
2007-03-15 07:08:50 · answer #1 · answered by blue_jean_babe_09 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My darling, you seriously need to stop--right now, stop--thinking of this as a "we" problem and put the focus where it should be. HE needs help. His abusive behavior affects you, but it isn't caused by you and it can't be fixed by you (no matter how much you wish it could). You and your children are being hurt, and for pete's sake, that should be reported. They will not take your children away (assuming his abuse is the only thing going on). Unfortunately, they probably won't help him, either. He may get locked up in jail, but it's not like they're going to give him great counseling or anything. Actually, even if he did get great counseling, the chances that he'd change are very, very slim. Like, almost nonexistant. Please read Lundy Bancroft's book, "Why Does He Do That?" for more clarity on this. You HAVE to protect yourself and your kids. That's your job. Fixing him is not your job, and it's not within your power anyway.
2007-03-15 02:41:36 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
One of the most common thought patterns for an abuser, is that it "isn't" real, and it "isn't" their fault. And almost all of them will absolutely deny that what they are doing IS abuse.
At this moment, you have to put your children first. Is this what you want for them? They are helpless, he is not. He is an adult, and has to take accountability for what he does, and how to stop it. By making it your job to fix him, you may become an enabler. "He didn't actually HIT me, he just threw me around".
Reality check time.
You are wrong that your children will be taken away for reporting it. They can be taken if you do NOT report it. There are confidential programs out there for domestic violence. As of right now, he isn't taking any steps to find them. And he won't, as long as there are no real consequences for him.
I think every local phone book has a line for domestic violence. Make the call. And be ready to draw the line in the sand, by putting the responsibility where it belongs.
2007-03-15 03:05:01 · answer #3 · answered by wendy c 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well then you need to talk with him about going off base to a therapist with you, and get some anger mangement, and learn how not to abuse you any more, and it is not good for the childern to be seeing this. If he does not agree to that, then for your sake and the childern's you may need to leave him. There are centers all over the country for people who have been abused, and are abusers themself, and they can help both of you to deal with this. But in the long run, if it continues this way, it could end up with you getting hurt really seriously, and the childern too. Plus your childern is seeing this, and when they grow up they may think that that is the way life is, and be abusers too. The chain of abuse has to stop somewhere, he just needs to realize that he is that way, and does not want to pass those actions on to his childern, or maybe lose his family.
2007-03-15 04:09:24 · answer #4 · answered by Ladyofathousandfaces 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it is bad enough that you have considered reporting it, I am assuming you mean call the police, then do it. Would you rather have an incident happen that involves you or your children being severely hurt or worse before you seek help. Don't wait. Abusers don't get better on their own!
2007-03-15 03:22:20 · answer #5 · answered by ginger 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to get over childhood abuse. That is when their norm is set and their personality is formed. He can see a psych for that or try a support group. I would find a safe place in advance. You need to be prepared in case it gets worse, especially when children is involved. Truthfully, I have a low expectation in change, but maybe someone can teach him some coping skills.
2007-03-15 02:43:03 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
he needs to see a psycholgist or psychiatrist...somebody who can show him that his behaviour is wrong and may stem from his unresolved anger from childhood. Eventually your whole family will have to enter a "group" setting to learn how to cope with these issues. Try the military hospitals first.
2007-03-15 02:39:11 · answer #7 · answered by Experimental876 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yep, it's time to ship HIM off for help. Damaging your kids and yourself like that is not right. You already talk like a person with 'battered wife/spounse syndrome'. You defend and try to act like it won't happen or like it's not really ABUSE - hello, wake up. GET OUT, and since you love him, get him help.
2007-03-15 02:45:09 · answer #8 · answered by jennainhiding 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
only the abuser can get help. he has to acknowledge he has a problem and then seek the help himself.
you can help yourself and your children by seeking help for yourself. visit a women's shelter or other services provided by the military. do it now!
2007-03-15 02:46:40 · answer #9 · answered by KitKat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋