Should I tell her about my past ???

Question

I met and fell in love with a woman that means everything to me. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, very sweet and kind person. I really want to marry her, and start living a normal crime-free life with her. I believe she is in love with me too. We are dating for a year and a half now and our feelings only grow stronger. She knows that I was not law-obidient in the past, but she has no idea how bad it was and never asked me about the details. Do I have to tell her about my past before marrying her, or I better keep quiet about it and wait till she asks me first about it??? I have been convicted of three separate crimes: selling drugs, gas-station robbery, and bank robbery, on three different occassions, and have done in total 18 years for this in prison.

Answer 1

Secrets don't stay buried forever, especially in long term relationships. Would you rather tell her yourself or have her find out another way? I guarantee she will feel betrayed and hurt if she finds out from someone else. I also think that if you tell her, she will respect your honesty and faith in her that you believed she deserved to know the truth.

Answer 2

You say she knows you weren't "law-obedient" but has not asked you for details.

I think this might be her way of letting you know that she trusts you and cares about who you are now far more than then.

I think she's letting you tell her when you want. I can't imagine that she doesn't want to know (curiosity, if nothing else!) but it would seem that it isn't important enough for her to push it.

Tell her. Sit her down over dinner at your place and ask if she wants to know the details. It is also possible that she does not want to know so ask her first. If she says yes, or yes only if you want to tell her, or some version thereof then tell her. If she says it isn't important tell her it would be nice for you to share it rather than worry about not telling her. I bet she'll say yes.

I do think you should talk to her about it for two reasons: 1) Once it's out it won't be eating away at you. 2) She's put a lot of trust and faith in you by not asking about the details. Show her the same trust and faith by sharing them with her on your own.

From what you've said I think it will bring you both even closer.

Answer 3

That's a tough problem you've got there. Well at least it's binary. Either you tell her or you don't. Here's some things to consider that spring to my mind, anyway:

What's the worst thing that could happen if you tell her?
What's the worst thing that could happen if you don't?
Can you really expect to keep the past in the past?
How likely is it that she will find out sooner or later?
How likely is it that she already knows?
Would you say you NEED her to know?
Would you prefer to be with her and feel alienated from her or would you prefer not to be with her at all?

I don't know what to tell you. Sometimes there's no right choice. I hope your answers today give you some help, anyway.

Answer 4

You served your time for these crimes, it's in the past.
You have been with her for a year and a half, and you told her that you weren't obedient in the past already.
Just mention to her that if she ever wants to know why you did 18 years in jail you are more than willing to tell her.
Obviously you are not the same person or she wouldn't have stayed this long with you. The love is there, be happy.

Answer 5

Truth governs every lasting relationship. You will have to tell her your past. If you don't and if she comes to know about it from another source, she will probably feel cheated and leave you for the same reason. She has the right to know everything about you and your past.

You have mentioned she is the best thing that has happened in your life.. If she really loves you, she will accept your past and give you a chance to prove yourself. And if you really love her, you should lead a normal life and never break her trust thereafter.

Answer 6

* Those are very serious crimes. You should tell her, as it will filter into her life somehow and she needs to be prepared to deal with it instead of being suprised and then hurt. Communication is vital to any relationship and if you don't include her it is like telling her you don't trust in her love for you. Be honest and forthright. It must be scary for fear of loosing her, but trust me it is better to take the chance now than later. Also, give her some time to digest it for it now becomes a part of her life too.

Good Luck.

Answer 7

This is what I've learned in my life..
Things come across as being a bigger deal if they are kept a secret. Secrets can be blown out of proportion once found out. They are like a sore that never heals.
If you are honest and open it shows that you are ok talking about it, which shows that you aren't afraid of it, aren't trying to hide it, it shows that you are confident in yourself, that you have learned and moved on from your mistakes and that you have nothing to hide because you are now an honest person, living a good life.

Answer 8

YES!!!!
I my Shelf have a bad back ground. Be honest and then you'll know if she is willing to give you a try. I did and now I've been marred for 16 years. And I live the strate life. I could not ask or a better life. BUT don't hold it agest her if she says no.
And don't go back to your old live. If you don't find love right away (you will).

Answer 9

Ask her if she wants to "know"... But even if she says she "doesn't care", -remember; there are plenty of people who DO know about your "Past", & they may try to influence HER with that information some time in the future...& she will have to deal with it THEN. So maybe you should at least "broad brush" the details to her (kinda like you did just now)- so she won't be totally caught off guard should some stuff come out. Good luck- big time! :)

Answer 10

If I were you -- FIRST I would tell her that I loved her and that I am not EVER EVER EVER going to do what I used to do. SECOND I would tell her everything I had done. THIRD tell her you lover her again and that you are going to get a job and not take peoples money that dosent belong to you in the first place.