What do I tell my kids when they are older if they question why they didnt' know grandma more??

Question

Is it enough to tell them that 'yes, I did keep their relationship distant with their grandma because she believed that I was going to hell. That I would have consequences for my life decisions, including how I raised my kids. That she told me I would one day regret my life. That her opinions were rubbing off on them as small children and so I chose to set clearer bounderies with my mom, including how much contact she had with my kids?'

My mom guilts me so bad 'what will you tell your kids'? "What if they distance you from your grandkids?'... she is trying so hard to manipulate back in, BUT she won't stop undermining me.. so I am trying to figure out what I will tell my kids.. and hopefully having that answer will eliviate the guilt she is trying to put on me.

So if my kids ask years down the road... is that a good enough answer without putting grandma down alot, yet defending myself AND showing them about bounderies and self respect?

Answer 1

tell them you were waiting for them to get their own brains wrapped around who they are as individuals before poisoning their brains with 'gramma brainwash' crap.

o.k. not exactly those words, but you get the picture?

Answer 2

It sounds like you have set some pretty good boundaries. Your kids will ask one day. You can tell them the truth in a compassionate way without bashing G'ma. :)

If you can maintain a relationship with short visits that is very good. If these visits can be an outing for everyone to go do something together then the opportunity for direct manipulation of the children ,as well as yourself, can be reduced.

Addiction of any kind will hinder all relationships. If an addiction is involved you will have a much tougher time having a relationship.

Maintaining healthy boundaries ultimately will be your best bet for any kind of relationship. Have an exit strategy figured out in case things start getting thick. LEAVE before things deteriorate into an upset. Your mom will learn what she can get away with. We teach people how to treat us.

You might have fewer regrets if you can maintain some kind of relationship with your mom and the kids. Even if it is just to send a card once in a while.

Your mom has control over what she says to you and the children. She is responsible for helping you feel welcome or not.

You can unintentionally teach your children that throwing away a perfectly challenging significant person in their life is acceptable. It doesn't sound like you want that. It sounds like you are trying to have a relationship.

Be very clear of your boundaries with yourself about your mom. If you are very clear with your boundaries CONSISTENTLY when dealing with your mom she will learn what you will tollerate and what you won't.

If there is an abusive relationship I would suggest a distant relationship.

If the kids are really young when the kids get older you can talk with them about Gma in a compassionate way before they ask why they didn't see her more. They will more than likely be understanding and have a better grasp of human relationships and dynamics.

You sound like a very caring person. :) Your mother is lucky. Good luck!

Answer 3

First off, you have a right say who you and your family spend time with and for how long. It is a basic human right to communicate to who you want to and when. If it was anyone else you would have severed the tie along time ago. So, your mother should be grateful.

As for what you will tell your children, I think that the right words will come naturally. As you grow with your children, you above anyone else, will know how you communicate what you need to. Each child will be different. You may have to talk about it more than once.

All that I can stress is that you let them know that you still love Grandma and you respect what she believes, but you don't agree with her on everything.

I am sure you will be fine. When the time comes, you will know.

Answer 4

You tell them as much of the truth as they can understand at their age. When they are in their teens they will be much better able to understand everything about it. If they ask sooner you'll have to use your own judgement.

When I was two my grandmother threw me against a window screen (I, of course, have no memory about this). My mom severed relations with her then. Sometime in my early teens, 12 or 13, my mom explained to me why. Eventually she explained in more detail telling me how she drank a lot and was abusive as a parent. I understood her decision and certainly bear her no ill will.

If your mother can't respect your wishes regarding your children then she has set herself up for this. She may be your mother but you are an adult now and she is, certainly, not their mother. I think your explanation will be fine. Just be prepared for more questions and answer them openly and honestly. Quite often kids can handle and understand more than we think they can.

Answer 5

When your kids are old enough and they start asking you those questions, sit them down and talk about your responsibilities as their parent. "My job was to protect you as best I could and I found that certain ideas and attitudes your grandmother had were not what I believed in." If your relationship with your mother is bad because she always brings up what she believes are your mistakes/flaws, then do what I did with my grandmother: sit her down for a heart-to-heart. Tell her that your relationship is not working; tell her that somethng has to change ON HER PART or it will be forever lost. Tell her that her beliefs are NOT yours and that, since you're the mother of your children, she must respect yours or be distanced from her grandkids.
Since you're thinking about this, clearly you're worried about it. You'd like your kids to have a close relationship with their grandmother, but right now, it might not be beneficial to them.
That's what you have to tell yourself: you are doing this to protect your children. That's the bottom line. As long as they're healthy, happy, etc., it's up to your mother to rethink her attitude.

Answer 6

That is a tough one. I think I would say, "Grandma and I don't agree on a lot of things, and instead of being around her and fighting all the time, it is better for us to have some space."

The funny thing is, you wil probably never really need to explain it. My mom was estraged from her mother, and I learned all I needed to know about my Grandmother from the little stories I heard from aunts and other relatives (that she was basically a crazy biotch). If they love and respect you, and you have treated them well, they will inherently understand that you have issues with her, and that those issues are well-founded.

Answer 7

whooooa....thats a lot of stuff here...I would tell her that you would visit her with the kids but the rules are......1) No guilt trips 2)No insulting comments 3)No manipulating the kids...If so then the visit is over then leave.

I would remind her if she starts breaking any of the rules (and you can add more if you see the need) that she needs to stop or youre leaving...You can also say, the kids misses her and would like to go with her to the ......whatever....could she make that happen without breaking any of the rules? (just like kids, some of us need a few tries 'til we get the hang of it.) Best of luck

Answer 8

I`m in the comparable sort of subject. I`m extremely dreading the communication. It gained`t be for years even in spite of the shown fact that it`ll be so demanding to handle. My boyfriend`s mom replaced into killed whilst he replaced into youthful and his father has been in penitentiary for the previous two decades and is no longer area of our lives. I don`t comprehend how i ought to in all probability clarify that to a new child. I determine I`ll say some thing like ``you`re grandfather did an particularly undesirable ingredient and he doesn`t should be in our lives`` for sure that will strengthen extra questions yet I haven`t theory it with the aid of too plenty yet. yet you ought to assert some thing alongside the comparable lines. I don`t comprehend if there`s any precise ingredient to assert in this occasion. you ought to assert ``Gramma and that i didn`t get alongside ok so she`s no longer area of our lives anymore.`` no remember what you say it is going to consistently deliver approximately extra questions yet you are able to keep away from them as much as attainable till the youngster is sufficiently old to nicely known the completed fact. you are able to consistently say the feared ``you`ll understand once you`re older.`` i think of the youngster merits to nicely known the fact yet no longer till they`re sufficiently old to comprehend it.

Answer 9

If what you need to do is keep your distance do that. When your kids are old enough to make their mind up about how they feel about people than she should be able to come around you all more. Your kids will be old enough to know that what you say is what goes by then as well. Good luck.

Answer 10

I think it is fine to say that 'grandma had different ideas about how I should live my life and how I should raise you kids, than I had.... so I needed to set boundries between Grandma and us...

as they get older, you can share some things with them... they will understand... it is amazing the things i can talk to my kids about....

Answer 11

I _think_ that by the time it starts to look weird to a kid that a parent doesn't talk much to relative X, the kid is often old enough to, on only passing acquaintance with X, figure out that the parent had the right idea.

Good luck!