Anyone fluent in Japanese? I have a Japanese composition and I need your help!?

Question

Please check to see if I did well and if I made any mistakes that you can help me with. I realize that I don't know how to spell Los Angeles but I'll figure that out later. Thanks in advance.




山田さん､おげんきですか。

　
私の　ふゆやすみは　よかつたです。ぼーイフレンドと　くるまで　ロサンゲルスに　いきました。ボーイフレンドは　ロサンゲルスは好きです。でも、私は　シアトルトの　ほうが　ロサンゲルスより　好きです。から　ちいさいと　しずかな　市です。



私は　げつよびから　けんよびまで　日本ごと　しんりがくと　すうがくがが　あります。たいへんですから　いつしゆうかんに　
よんじゅうじかん　レストうンて　アルバイトを　します。じゅぎように　いきますも　アルバイトを　しますも　たいへんです。



ひまのとき　私は　せんたくと　そうじと　うんどうと　べんきよします。私の　しゆみは　かいものに　いきます。そして、本を　よむのが　すきです。山田さん、しゆみは　なんですか｡


せんしゅう、　私は　しごとを　します。いちにちに　くじかんぐらい　しました。いつしゅうかんに　ごかいぐらい　します。私はつかれていますよ。でも、ともだちと　しょくじを　します。すしや　てんぷらや　さかなを　たべます。



おへんじ、たのしみにしています。お元気で。さようなら。

Answer 1

Not fluent in KANJI?
You have mixed up passed sentence and present.
How long have you learning Japanese?
Over all pretty good.
It might help if you watch native Japanese TV. or try to read some magazine with Pics....
I am learning English also. It is hard for me.....

Answer 2

I wish I could copy that and show corrections in red. Are the ellipses put there by you so that only partial sentences are showing, or is that some kind of odd formatting? I'm assuming, however, that more comes after those and we're only seeing the beginnings of the sentences. If that's the case and you want to past the full letter later on, I'd be happy to look at it.

In your first line, the "bo" in "boyfriend" is written in hiragana instead of katakana. Probably just a typing error.

I think that in your second line, you want to say げつようびからきんようびまで. Just a spelling mistake. The "o" in "youbi" is a long one, and "Friday" is きんようび instead of けんようび.

I'm pretty sure the line after that means to say that you did your part-time job at a restaurant. Similar problem to the "boyfriend" above. レストランで. Also, watch that the particle is で and not て.

After ひまのとき, there should be a に particle. I think there's generally a comma after that as well, but I don't actually know Japanese comma rules, so I could be wrong on that one. Oh yeah, I also think it's ひまなとき, since ひま is a ～な adjective.

Otherwise, just be sure to go back and make sure that your verbs are all ending in ました, since all of this happened in the past.

If you want to be more Japanese in the writing style, too, you could also add something about the seasons or the weather at the beginning. Most Japanese letters would start with something like this. A simple statement like, "The weather is getting warmer," or, "spring is finally here," or, "the flowers are starting to bloom," works just fine. If this person is living in Japan, it's a great time of year to ask if the cherry blossoms are blooming yet, too. :)

Also, don't be too afraid of making little mistakes. You did very well, and writing in a foreign language is really difficult. :) Your Japanese friend will probably be impressed that you put the effort into this. Keep up the good work!