Am I really over reacting about my mom here?

Question

My mom doesn't support my life. She make me feel really bad about myself and undermines me as a person and parent. Therefore I don't have much to do with her and keep her relationship with my kids very distant. It doesn't appear this way on the surface, but her negative opinions of me and how I raise my kids run very deep, even though she don't always show it, and her view rub off on my kids. I used to try to communicate and work it out with her, but have given up as she believes that she is right.

I have told her to give me space. I have also told her to not make plans with my kids my back by phone or email. I saw her 2 days ago and told her we would see her in the srping.

Tonight she calls talks to my daughter. She has my daughter ask me if grandma could come by our house in an hour with Easter gifts! Because she had my kid ask me, I let her come. 2 days ago I saw her and told her specifically, I would see her in the summer, maybe sooner if I felt ready.I feel very very angry.

Answer 1

Oh Boy, Mom is still showing you that she calls the shots huh?
Well, Mom needs to back off, respect you as an adult and a mom in your own right....If only it was that easy! I hear that you've pretty much exhausted all avenues !.......Except one maybe? Get an answer machine, screen your calls so YOU are in control, put the phones up where the kids cant get them, tell the kids they will be grounded for forever if they answer that phone without your permission !! Explain to your kids, that grandma does things that really really upset you, i bet if you ask your kids if they want mommy to be upset......there going to say no! Personally tonight i would have taken the phone off your daughter, told your mother in no uncertain terms that she is not welcome, if she wants her grandkids to have their gifts, mail them ! If she was still going to turn up, either meet her at the door, take the gifts for kids, tell her she is unwelcome and why, and firmly close the door....You could refuse to answer the door.....Or go out......Do not be swayed.....best of luck xxx

Answer 2

This is going to be a yes and no sort of answer honey. In a way I do think you are over-reacting, especially when it comes to you children. Grandparents live for grandchildren. And they live to spoil them, dote on them and undermine everything you taught them the minute your back is turned...it's just a grandparent thing...they all do it. When I asked my mother why she would do it...her reply was "because I can" and she had 16 grandchildren. My dad told us it was her way of paying us back for all the rotten things we did to her while we were growing up. For awhile I use to think it was joke...now I"m not so sure. One year for X-mas she went and bought all these kids the noisest toys she could find...she even supplied the batteries! So for that part, you may be over-reacting.

When it comes to how you feel as a person deep down...that's when I change my answer to No. There is where I think you do have a valid claim. But rather than getting angry about it, you need to ask yourself why. Were you a child who had to be helped all the way to adult hood? Was she the first person you'd call when you were in trouble? Was she the one you dumped all your drama on? If so, then there is your problem...she still feels as though you aren't capable of doing it. If that is not the case, then you need to sit mom down, one on one, with no children for a distraction and have a heart to heart. She loves you and you love her sweetie. I understand your need to separate yourself from her, but if you are doing it to show that you can make it without her...you are fooling yourself. The best way to show her that your life is just fine, is to have her in it. And that may mean standing up for yourself when she starts to criticize. It may mean throwing in a few comments right back at her like "Well, mom I learned this from you". It may even mean that once in a while you have to pull her aside and say "Mom, I'll never be able to get it right if you don't let me do my job." Eventually she'll see what a fine woman she's raised. Just keep in mind that it won't happen overnight.

My mother wasn't overly-critical of everything I did as an adult, but she did have her way of letting us know she didnt' approve of things from time to time. For awhile, it infuriated me and I did like you did....I kept my distance. That truly hurt our relationship for awhile and it took one huge blow-out to learn that she only wanted the best for me. Half the time she didn't even realize how awful her comments made me feel. Once we had that talk...things were better than they ever were. I just wish I would have had that talk with her sooner. My mother passed away six years ago. Now I don't have that, and not a day goes by where I don't think about how much I miss her comments and her funny quirks. You still have a mom sweetie and you have the chance to make this right. Not only for you, but for her and your children. Don't let another day go by with so much resentment. The past is the past, it can't be changed, nor should you allow it to predict the furture in this relationship. You have to live in the here and now, laugh a little more, forget a little more, and hold grudges a lot less honey.

I wish you luck and all the patience in the world....you may need it, but I guarantee it'll be worth it.

Answer 3

No one, not even your mother, can undermine you unless YOU allow them to do so. You are an adult and have the right to set boundaries with your mother but in doing so, you have to talk to your mother as one woman to another. You cannot go into child mode when you're attempting to have an adult conversation. It's really easy to slip into old roles with your parents. But her role hasn't changed -- she's still your mother and while it doesn't feel like it, her criticism is based in parental need to protect you -- even from yourself if necessary. You are a mother so you should have an understanding from where she's coming. But it's YOUR role that has changed. While you are her child, you are no longer a child -- so your method in dealing with her has to change.

So are you overreacting in your need to be respected as an adult? No. Are you overreacting in keeping your mother away from her grandchildren because you feel that your ego has been slighted? Definitely yes. Your mother represents another source of unconditional love for your children. Unless she is physically negligent or abusive to your children, you are inadvertently punishing them for having a better relationship with their grandmother than you have with your own mother. Do you really want that kind of rift in your family or do you want a better relationship with your mother? If the answer is yes, then this is not the way to do it.

Again the key is to set up boundaries, not barriers. And this also goes for your kids. If you have a problem with the way your children respond to you after being around their grandmother, then it's your job to make sure that YOUR kids understand that YOU are the parent and YOUR word is law and in their best interests. End of story. At least, until they grow up and away from you. Do you like the thought of that? Of course not. But karma has a way of working that way. Don't let this go any further than it has to -- it's just not worth it. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 4

No, I don't think you are overreacting. But, I would of told her no she could not come over because she asked your daughter first. She is using your children against you. Set the boundaries and don't give her an inch until it's very clear to you that she is honoring the boundaries.

Answer 5

You shouldn't prevent a relationship between your mom and your kids. That is extremely selfish on your part. You need to learn how to co-exsist with your mom for the sake of your children.

Answer 6

You are being controlling. Just teach your children the things you want them to know. They will believe what they want.