Please help...how can I get my boyfriend to come clean about his life without insulting him?

Question

So...he's amazing, but we're from different lifestyles. He (28yrs) has a bunch of tattoos, and smokes/drinks, which I (24yrs) dabble in as well, but within reason. He doesn't have a plan for himself like I do, and he's in & out of jobs. My parents don't approve MAINLY because he came over on x-mas and made up a few things about his time in the marines, and they caught it. Big negative. I understand he was nervous meeting them, and he has a lot of baggage and skeletons in his closet etc, but I'm so willing to deal with all that and help him be everything he can...and I want him to feel secure if he were to meet my family again.
Basically, I want to ask him to be honest with me about everything...the marines, why he left, what he wants for the future, cause then I can figure out how to approach my parents & how to shape our lives together. I love him more than anything, but if he can't give me that level of a relationship, then I don't know what to do...how do I say this properly

Answer 1

exactly the way you just did sweetie.
if you truly honestly to god love him, then you can tell him this to his face. and let him know that you're not doing this to put him down, you're doing this to help him face his past so you can create one nice future which involves both of you.

Answer 2

Oh honey. You're trying to put lipstick on a pig.

Are you some kind of charity case? Your parents gave you life, raised you educated you, etc because you were put here on earth to help this guy who doesn't want to be helped?
You DO need to help someone - yourself!

And you like this guy because...why????

He lies about little and big things, he's almost 30 and is at the same place in his life as an 18 year old. He's not going to change. Everything that is wrong with him is actually CHANGING YOU not him.

Are you so naive that you think all you have to do is ask him to be honest? What's he going to say "honest??? shoot!!! I forgot to be honest! thanks for reminding me - let's wind the clock back so I can be honest".

Here's some more tough love - every one of us knows someone like you - we call girls like you "bum magnets" because that's all you are attracted to. You've probably already met Mr. Right - but since he smelled too good you just looked the other way.

Dump this guy - and get yourself into therapy to find out how not to be a bum magnet. It's better to fix this at 24 then to try to fix it at 44.

Answer 3

You do seem like a very understanding person. I would just tell him exactly what you stated in your question. Tell him if you and him or ever going to have a real life together that he needs to tell you every thing you want to know regarding himself. If he can not do that, you need to move on. Do not let anyone get in the way of your own goals in life, and if he can not be honest and open, he is not interested in anything but doing exactly what he wants to do. Good Luck

Answer 4

If you love him more than anything then you should come out and ask him, don't beat around the bush. 'Why did you leave the Marines', 'What do you want for the future'. It's pretty cut and dry. Last thing you need to do is needle it to death. If he cares about you he will tell you if he doesn't tell you I think the
question you should be asking him is how he feels about you.
If he says he loves you then tell him Loving is Knowing. You want to know everything good and bad about him. He might surprise you. I would make sure you get the answers you want and should have gotten already since you do love him more than anything. Good luck, let me know how it turns out.

Answer 5

in answer to your question, copy and paste what you have just asked into an email to him. You have to be as honest and upfront with him as you have just been to us. The email idea may not be the best, but what I'm getting at is you need to say exactly what you just said in your question to him.
He needs to understand that you want to be with him, but there are conditions.
Honesty in this respect is the best policy. Upfront and outright. Say it to him exactly as it is. Only then will you get the real him to come out and chat. If he still doesn't, then leave him for a better model.

Answer 6

Say it just like you did for us. Prepare yourself, though, for the possibility that he may not want the same things or goals as you, or maybe he doesn't know himself. He sounds very immature for 28, and that would worry me if I were you. By 28 he should have his life pretty well sorted out.

Ask him what he is willing to give up for family life and see what his response is. That will tell you whether it is important for him to settle down, whether he is ready to do that with you or not. Even if he isn't ready now, he should be working toward that very soon.

If not, ask yourself if you are willing to give up your goals to wait for him to make up his mind. If not, maybe the best thing is to be friends. GL

Answer 7

Unless your parents actually served, they can just sit on their fat liberties with the rest of the liberals. A man who risked his life for his country can smoke and drink whenever he wants to! You kind of have to do that after the kinds of things Uncle Sam makes you do... Now if he's lying about having served, then that's a totally different thing. Please elaborate on what they caught him lying about and how they caught him?

Answer 8

Although ultimatums rarely work, it's time to put your foot down. Do you want to spend your life with someone who's irresponsible? What if you had kids? Tell him the truth and if he leaves, then wave good riddenz and find yourself a nice, responsible guy.

Answer 9

sit down somewhere quite with a drink (non alcholic) and tell him what you want from the relationship and find out what he wants from the relationship -- if you are to have a life together then you need to open up to each other --- best wishes to you both

Answer 10

Save yourself the heartache and find a guy more like you. You do not want someone else's problems. I know you are thinking it's no big deal and you can handle it. You are kidding yourself.