anybody got funny jokes?

Answer 1

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-calf-inated!!!

MOOHAHA!

Answer 2

I've got several hundred, but I doubt you want them all.

*** Jokes of the day *** >> This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SE><: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: 185,000 a year plus st0ck options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an 0ffer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy se>
Q: How many stressed-out women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one
else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even
know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark
for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And once they figured it
out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs, despite the fact
that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.


But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO
DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on
to change the stupid light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT
THE GARBAGE!!


IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD
TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... What did you ask me?

The Parrot
(From: Dave A. Wreski ([e-mail]).)
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

I've got many more. E-mail me if interested.

Answer 3

A man is driving along a highway
>>>> >> and sees a rabbit jump out
>>>> >> across the middle of the road.
>>>> >> He swerves to avoid hitting it,
>>>> >> but unfortunately
>>>> >> the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> The driver,
>>>> >> a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
>>>> >> pulls over and gets out to see
>>>> >> what has become of the rabbit.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> Much to his dismay,
>>>> >> the rabbit is dead.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>>
>>>> >> The driver feels so awful
>>>> >> that he begins to cry.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> A beautiful blonde woman
>>>> >> driving down the highway
>>>> >> sees a man crying on the
>>>> >> side of the road
>>>> >> and pulls over.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>>
>>>> >> She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>> "I feel terrible," !
>>>> >> he explains,
>>>> >> "I accidentally hit this rabbit
>>>> >> and killed it."
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> The blonde says,
>>>> >> "Don't worry."
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> She runs to her car
>>>> >> and pulls out a spray can.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit,
>>>> >> bends down,
>>>> >> and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> The rabbit jumps up,
>>>> >> waves its paw at the two of them
>>>> >> and hops off down the road.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
>>>> >> turns around and waves again,
>>>> >> he hops down the road another 10 feet,
>>>> >> turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
>>>> >> and repeats this again and again and again,
>>>> >> until he hops out of sight.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> The man is astonished.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> He runs over to the woman and demands,
>>>> >> "What is in that can?
>>>> >> What did you spray on that rabbit?"
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> The woman turns the can around
>>>> >> so that the man can read the label.
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> It says..
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> (Are you sure?)
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> (This is bad!)
>>>> >>
>>>> >>
>>>> >> "Hair Spray -
>>>> >> Restores life to dead hair,
>>>> >> and adds permanent wave."

Answer 4

I even have one...... Lebron James is set to launch his own line of headphones. The sound high quality is dazzling because it has no jewelry. and this one.... Wade: 3 years at Marquette Bosh: a million 3 hundred and sixty 5 days at Georgia Tech the baby from Akron: no college the main knowledgeable guy confident his dumber friends to return play on his group for much less money

Answer 5

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________


TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?

FRANK: Because of the sign..

TEACHER: What sign?

FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________



TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_______________________________________________



TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________



TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday ! you said it's H to O.
______________________________________________





TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have to day that we didn't
have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

______________________________________________


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_____________________________________________



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
__________________________________________________



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry

tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his

father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
__________________________________________________


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
__________________________________________________


TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as

your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teache r, it's the same dog.
__________________________________________________



TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on

talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

Answer 6

Ever heard this one?
There was two robots, one named Bust the other named Ted. And when they join together to fight crime, they become
Busted!
Hahhahah.

Answer 7

There was a lady taking a shower and the doorbell rang. She looked out the window. It was a couple. She put on her bathrobe and opened the door. "Aren't you going to congratulate us? We just had a baby!" The lady said congrats and started showering again when the doorbell rang. She looked out the window. It was a race-car driver. She put on her bathrobe and went out. "Aren't you going to congratulate me? I just won a race!" The lady said congrats and went back inside to finish her shower. Five minutes later the doorbell rang again! It was the blind man. This time the lady didn't put on her bathrobe and opened the door. "Aren't you going to congratulate me?" the blind man said. "I can see again!!!"

Three men were out in the middle of the ocean. One was Chinese, one was American, and one was Spanish. The Chinese man said, "I have too much of these in my country!" as he threw into the ocean bags of rice. The Spanish man said, "I have too much of these in my country!" as he threw down some tamales. The American didn't have anything but said, "I have too much of these in my country!" and he threw down the Spanish man.

Answer 8

The kindergarden teacher was helping Billy put on his boots after school, she pulled and struggled but finially got them on. Billy said, teacher, they are on the wrong feet. The teacher looked and yes, they were on the wrong feet. She pulled and struggled and got the boots off and once again pulled and struggled to get the boots back on. Now, she says where are your mittens. Billy said, I did not want to lose them so I stuck them in my boots. She laughed and once again fulled and struggled to get the boots off and pulled and struggled to get

Answer 9

ya mama so fat when she sat on da toilet it said a b c d e f g get yo fast self off of me!
lol

Answer 10

Why can't a bicycle stand by itself?
Cuz it's 2 tired.

Answer 11

Your grandma so fat when she walked down the street in a yellow rain coat, the kids thought it was the schoolbus......

;)