The day's just beginning
You see the girl you love
You don't know what to do or say
You're friends
You talk to eachother everyday
On the phone, computer, etc
You're walking with her
Talking, laughing, having the time of your life
The sun hits ya, you smile at her she smiles at you
It's time to say goodbye
You hug and walk off
You're walking, past places where we played as kids
Later you talk to eachother
Time's ending
You say you'll see eachother tomorrow
You know what
You're in goddamn love
Is there anything else better in the world
2007-03-14 12:02:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
my young friend, that is beautiful. what can i say. you will be famous some day or at worst a professor at a fine university. hell, maybe you are a professor. sounds like it. good luck my talented friend.
2007-03-14 12:05:56 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
...well, I'm majoring in Creative Writing at this arts school, so I'll try not to be critical. It's not a college. It literally is...school. Junior High/Highschool combo.
But quite honestly.... it's...not....poetic... Thank you, thank you, thank you, though for not using one of those rhyme schemes. I hate it, the world thinks poetry has to rhyme, it's killing me. Another thing: You really shouldn't post your writing online. A private blog is one thing, but a forum is another. People love to steal good writing and claim it as there own. (I know from the experience of having someone steal my writings) I would probably put more metaphors into that poem. Break it into stanzas. Use punctuation. NEVER use abbreviations in a poem. Kill the 'ect'. I would rewrite that line completely. I would actually just put it into freestyle form poetry, not the classic type it's in right now. The sun line has potential, though. Do something with the sun. Like, "small rays of gold/bliss/(some other descriptor of the sun and light) rain down" or something.
2007-03-14 19:16:35 · answer #2 · answered by R Paige 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Boring
2007-03-14 19:04:35 · answer #3 · answered by troble # one? 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i think it is a lovely poem and sounds like your the one in love and if so then good luck!
i think the bit that says 'we talk to each other everyday on the phone, computer etc' i was thinking that the 'etc' doesn't really fit in so maybe you could write ' we talk to each other everyday, on the phone, computer and email'
i know it allready says computer but etc doesn't sound write, hope it was of any help. and ( TELL THEM !!!! )
2007-03-14 19:09:11 · answer #4 · answered by MITA 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Awwwww! That's so sweet! I'd take out the bad word you placed in the end, though.
2007-03-14 19:05:28 · answer #5 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I think its great and it gets to the roots of being in love.
2007-03-14 19:04:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
umm its nice, but its kinda boring and it sounds like a first grader wrote it
2007-03-14 19:06:52 · answer #7 · answered by Dakota 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nice you should go to poetry jams
2007-03-14 19:08:49 · answer #8 · answered by Noree 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I like it, its cute. I really can relate! Good work!
2007-03-14 19:04:36 · answer #9 · answered by Caiti 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it's more than gr8 i will write it to the one i love.... thx
2007-03-14 19:07:05 · answer #10 · answered by enasshalaan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋