Why do I keep dating "fixer-uppers"?

Question

i'm a nice girl, mid 20's, reasonably attractive. i've realized almost all of my bf's have been "fixer-uppers." whether it be financially, emotionally, etc. i always seem to get into relationships with men who need help in some way & need to be taught how to behave emotionally in a relationship. they almost all have family issues & eventually $ issues, where they lean on me for some things. i thought i'd finally met a good, stable man when i started dating my bf, but he turned out to have family problems, social problems and eventually $$ issues as well. why do i keep dating 'broken men'? and now it's even worse b/c i have a well paying job & am afraid i will only continue to meet men who are undercover needy children! oh, and i'm not one of these girls who pay's all her man's bills. i just help when i can, but it seems no one is really there to help me on a consistent basis. what do u guys think i can do to break this cycle?

i've met most of them thru school or social settings. only met one in a club.

Answer 1

Ooooh I've been there too, only I'm in my early '20s and am now in a great realtionship (stopped my problem early).
When I dumped my last damaged bf, I told myself I would not settle anymore--I had to admit that the next guy I attached myself too had to come "all in one piece" or else I was not going to waste my time, because it is IMPOSSIBLE to "fix" a guy (he needs to be ready to do that work for himself). Pretty obvious advice, yeah, but just keep telling yourself that the minute something about a guy doesn't sit quite right with you, LEAVE HIM! There are lots of guys out there in reasonable to good condition, hahaha.
Once I had this mantra in my head, I was convinced I'd be in my 30s before finding any guy who was good for me...but it only took a couple months! Be careful, be critical, and I'm sure you'll find someone who is great for you.

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

Yes. Great question... Why do you do encourage and attract co-dependant relationships? You at least know (hopefully) that you are the solution to the problem.

Re-examine what void you're trying to fill by being so overly "helpful" on a financial, emotional, and physical level with a man. Revist your childhood, and early teen days and ask yourself what were some of your unmet needs or what kind enviorment helped to foster your thinking about men. Also, take into consideration the type of relationships you were surrounded by growing up (mother/father interaction... or the lack thereof, siblings, extended male and female relatives roles)and how subconscioulsy all of these various interations helped to shape how you relate to men right now. Don't fool your self into thinking that the power of these examples you were exposed to can't influence how you relate to and allow men to relate to you.

There's nothing wrong with seeking therapy to end this negative cycle of relationships. The hard part is over.. you've already recognized that there's a issue.... now go seek out a great therapist and break the cycle. There's nothing wrong with helping out "in very small doses" but recognize that it co-dependency can be very destructive and unhealthy behavior.

Answer 4

First, I don't think you'll ever find a man that doesn't have problems. Everyone has problems - but I see what you're saying.

Maybe you feel the need to want to fix people therefore you're attracted to these kinds of men whether you want to be or not. I have a (guy) friend who wants a woman he can take care of and it never fails, every woman he finds has been abused mentally or physically. He can't seem to find a way to break the cycle.

Start looking for a way to break the cycle. Where do you meet the guys you date? Maybe you need to start looking somewhere else. Eventually you will find a man who's not looking for handouts.

Answer 5

Mostly just a guess, but you may need to change where you meet people. If you're meeting these people at bars/clubs or something similar, you're likely to find consistency that you don't want.

I would also suggest you get to know someone better before you start dating them. If you become friends with someone for some time, you'll likely find out these things about them before it becomes your problem.

In addition, maybe you need a change of image. I've found that the air you carry with you and the general look you have can have a huge impact on the people who will even approach you. If you're dress style is teeny-bopper or flat-out immature, you're going to attract those kinds of people.

Good luck, and raise the bar.

Answer 6

It is , because you align your self with needy men because you are by nature a caregiver, which there is nothing wrong with, but you need someone who needs you because they are needy. There is nothing wrong with needing someone. But being needy isn't the same as having a need.

A great book to read is ARE YOU THE ONE FOR ME?
That book has made a big difference in my life. I now don't even start seeing someone if I see the red flags.

I also suggest that you don't see how a man COULD be, but see how he actually is, because what you see is what you get.

When I got married young, I chose the totally wrong guy.
I figured once we got married he would love me more, he would spend more time with me, he would touch me more, hold me more., be more passionate. I figured he would love me more once we were married. I was so wrong. The bad things that you see before married are much worse once you are married..

The best thing to do is make a list of red flags to avoid that are deal breakers.....and when you see that happen you stop seeing them immediately before your heart and romance takes over.

Get that book I suggested, It is so powerful that it will give you the tools to avoid the needy guys that you keep trying to fix

Answer 7

Sometimes it takes a while to break the cycle. I've had troubles in the past. I asked a question on here about why women break up with me to date losers. Some say they just aren't mature enough yet. BTW, I'm not a fixer-upper ;-). Seriously, though, it'll take time. Just be patient, and the right man will come.

Answer 8

Hi

OMG !!

I was in the same boat . See the problem is when you first meet someone you are unaware of what their underlying issues are .

You can only go by what they tell you and of course what the human eye can see as well . It is a good thing that you help others and I am that way too but beware of being taking advantage of .

I learned to say no . And that word sometimes kinda hurts me because I always give in .

Take Care
C

Answer 9

I think you deserve a lot better than her. If she is "embarrased" per say, that is what it seems, then you do not need to be with her. If a girl is with someone, she should want to show them off and let it be known that you are with that person. Not put them down because of there style. Find someone who will like you for you. She is posting all of that because she is not ready to give you up just yet. Most likely just being selfish and trying to change her image or something. Go out and find that amazing girl who will shout out to the world about you :-) Hope that helps.

Answer 10

Honey, its man lol they all need help. Why don't you try dating older guys they are more mature and stable. Try dating girls lol. Seriously though you are being used by freeloaders. Some of my friends are freeloaders and I need to kick them to the curb. I would say base your relationships on love not money never lend out you pay yours he pays his. Then when it builds up you can start paying for each others but not the first months maybe a year or so. Don't feel bad many of us girls want to fix them, help them, they are such a mess sometimes that you can't help yourself. Sometimes you have to go outside your type or age to find what you want and need.