why do people chose not to have memorial services?

Question

my friend died suddenly from cancer, she went very fast.
She was middle age, when she decided to have her body donated to science, and not have a funeral/service or memorial, her and her husband agreed it was less of a burdon on their daughter. Well, she died 20 yrs sooner than she expected, and no time to change her wishes.
*is it rude for me to ask for a few of her and my friends that got togehter 4x's a yr at her house for thier phone numbers, so we can get together and have closure? how long should i wait?
we found out she had cancer 2 Saturdays ago, and she died 8 days later. she went fast, and we had planned on my visiting her today. I'm lost without her..

i wasn't going to invite the famiy.
it was the 6 friends getting together outside of my house to share memories, one has already contacted me.

I am repecting her wishes.
she did think it was frivilous

I appreciate all your answers, and those of you who have lost loved one's suddenly know how devasting it is.

I will find a way to have a little service, even if it's just my puppy dog and i walking on the ocean tossing flowers in for her memory.

***she is the friend I would call to ask this sort of question to!! She was my rock. I have never had a friendship that was this special and dear. I feel like I lost a dear relative.

Answer 1

Your friend's family did what she wanted. Her way. Now that she is gone, you and her / your friends should get together for a private memorial get together. Perhaps suggest a potluck, and keep it simple, that way all her beloved friends can kick off the shoes, sit close by each other and talk about your mutual loss, laugh, cry...discuss what happened to her, in the privacy, safety and comfort of a home. Yes, this was a tough, tough thing to go through, and no, you are not being rude to her memory, you may even do her other friends a huge favor, as they may need some closure too. Sympathies for your loss.

Answer 2

My family is not religious, and not big on funerals. Most often when someone dies we do something very much like you suggested.. a get together of friends and family in remembrance of the person. Very informal.. like a tea party with finger foods, tea, coffee, and wine.. and lots of pictures of the person at various stages in their life. Usually there is a lot of laughter as we share stories about the person.. not too many tears.

When my Nana died at the age of 93, she didn't have a service, but she had actually left money aside for the whole family to get together for Chinese food.. which is what we always did on her birthday. We did it a few months after her death, so the shock was over, and it was very much a celebration of her life. She would have loved to have been with us!

I do think it's important that SOMETHING is done to recognize the loss of your friend. On my father's side of the family, there have been several deaths that have gone virtually unacknowledged, and yes, you DO need closure. It just feels like something is missiing. But as others have suggested, you may want to wait a few weeks before approaching her family.

Answer 3

My Grandma didn't have much money for funeral expenses.What she had, paid bare minimum.She thought it was frivolous to go to any more expense,so it didn't allow us the luxury of a memorial service.My Mom and sister and aunt felt like we didn't get to share our memories or grief and felt such a loss.So we got together and got some food and videos of our family,especially Grandma and watched them and laughed and cried.It helped bring closure.Getting together as you once did is a good idea and share the good times with your friend and the sadness too.It helps when you can share the grief.

Answer 4

Talk to her husband -- he'll know what she wants - and if she was still wishing that at the time of her death then respect it -- but I think its very proper of you to host your own dinner in memory of her -- people will understand and I'm sure a lot of people will appreciate it.

My grandmother has just past away -- and we are not having a memorial service only a funeral -- but we are having a luncheon afterwards for memory sake.

Answer 5

Many people decide not to have Memorial Services because it is SO HARD on family and friends. I've been to a lot of wakes in my life, and I look back and wonder what sense it makes to sit there and stare at a dead person, while holding back tears because you feel you'll be overwhelmed. Not for me. I see no reason why her friends shouldn't get together to share their grief. It takes time, and you all could use the support of each other, and to share pleasant memories!

Answer 6

I would wait until at least a month after hre death and then ask her husband and daughter if they are OK with your suggestion of having a small memorial gathering. You can tell them that you are offering to host, and all.

If the family is not OK with it then I think you should drop it so as to not be disrespectful.

Also, someone else in her family might already be plannign something and you just dont' know yet.

Answer 7

My Dad died last year,35 days after being diagnosed. My mom chose not to have any services, plus no obit, my sisters and I were VERY upset by her decision. She was SO in denial, and she was afraid of being bothered by extended family (it was all about her), that she did not want to have services. We feel that it was not right to basically ignore his life. Bottom line, it is the choice of the spouse, and we all get to just live with their decision. I have said my own private good bye to my Dad. Losing a loved one hurts like hell, and only time heals that hurt. God Bless You, and I am so sorry for your loss.

Answer 8

I have never heard of such a thing! It is harf for me to believe that anyone could do that. I would just do it--invite the people who loved her and remember her and her life. Invite her family--if they choose not to come, so be it. Honor your friend. How could that be wrong?

Answer 9

I respect your choice as you should respect other peoples' choices in private matters.

Answer 10

kool ..science..gives you more of a chance to keep on tickin''think about it .everything is energy then why berry it?