Advice on talking to our 7 yr old daughter about her grandfathers terminal cancer...How do I prepare her?

Question

My fathers cancer is terminal and we just started with hospice care and are told that he has weeks left after a long fight and battle with treatment options, etc... I am fairly open with our daughter about most topics ( she is 7 years old) but this is a tough one to tackle when there are so many emotions going through my head. I have researched some good books to read, but would love to hear what you found helpful in discussing the topic of death of a family member with a child.

Has anyone experienced this type of situation before and have advice?

Please don't just answer & say "be open & honest"- I am already doing that - I am looking for tools or ways to share with her- art? Books? music? things to open the converstaion easily and gently.... Thanks!

Answer 1

My sister's family is facing this exact situation. Her husband has terminal cancer and has been told he hasn't much time left. They have decided to wait and tell the grandchildren when it gets closer to the end. You will know when the time is near. Start by reading her one of the books that you have found on the topic and then you might open the conversation by asking her how she felt about the person in the book dieing. Then you may bring up that grandpa has been very ill. Explain to her that grandpa is also in a lot of pain right now, but (assuming that you believe in God and heaven) that grandpa will soon leave all of you to go to heaven. Talk about how a turtle lives inside his shell, but when he crawls out of the shell, he is still alive and can move on to another place. Explain to her that our bodies are like the turtles shell and that when we grow old or get very, very sick like her grandpa is, then we leave our body behind, but are still alive and free to go home to be with God in heaven. Add that grandpa will no longer be sick or ever be in pain again and be sure that she understands that it is okay for her to feel sad that she will miss grandpa, but that grandpa will be watching over all of you and one day when she is very old, you will all be together again. I am so very sorry for this painful time and I hope for strength and peace to be with you all. God Bless!

Answer 2

Well we went through the same thing. My kids were almost 6 and 8 when my Dad died after going through a battle w/terminal cancer. They knew he was sick, but I didn't want them scared. I reassured them that the doctors were doing everything that they knew how, but sometimes it's just not enough. The funny thing was that at the time, neither of them really wanted a whole lot of information. They were NOT there when Dad died, and I felt that only my daughter could handle the funeral, she was the younger of the two. I felt that my son could not, since he had already expressed a fear about death and dying....I kept it SIMPLE. I did not go into long drawn out details, or books, or music. HOWEVER, when they had questions, and they still do, I answer as simply as possible. I talk about my Dad, because I don't want them to forget him, and I don't want it to be 'hush hush' but I also try to be practical, reasonable, etc.

The most interesting thing is that two weeks after the funeral, I found my daughter, then almost 6, re-enacting the funeral. I had spoken at it, and she had her stuffed animals lined up and was re-enacting the whole thing. I figured that was her way of dealing....so I say in conclusion...

Follow her lead. Keep details simple and as least scary as possible. Tell her it's ok to be sad, that you are sad too, but then end the discussion on a positive note, like "now Grandpa is no longer in pain, or now Grandpa is in Heaven, or re-direct with something positive. Good Luck and take care of yourself, I know how devastating this can be.

Answer 3

I'm so sorry your dad's battle with cancer is ending this way.

We have recently lost my father, suddenly and quite traumatically.
Apart from crying together, telling stories every day about poppop, and expressing our wishes that he was still with us, i've found the book 'freddy the leaf' is a wonderful story, as is 'love you forever.' I can't make it through either without sobbing, but you know the stories touch this painful reality.

Two pieces of music we played a lot after dad died were Mozart's Requiem, which is incredible beyond measure, and "Oh Mary Don't You Weep." http://youtube.com/watch?v=2OFGQymVRPg

Learning about the Mexican Day of the Dead and how open they are about death, and how they maintain the connection after death might be helpful. Certainly open up conversations and maybe give her a way to think about preparing to lose him.

Will she be able to craft her own response? That is, is the situation such that you could ask her what she wants to do, and how she wants to respond?


I'm so sorry for your coming loss. I wish you comfort and joy.

Answer 4

Explain to your daughter exactly what to expect. I know, we just lost an uncle to cancer who my twins (8 yrs old) were extremely close with. Explain ahead of time that Grandpa will get very tired and may even be "crabby". Let her know if he behaves this way it is the cancer making him sick and sometimes he may not seem like Grampa. I can't suggest books. I think you will find you will deal with this on a daily basis. You will want to explain that grandpa may need some quiet time so she will have to remember to not run around a lot or yell. It would be very good for her to write and draw cards for grandpa and of course grandma if she is still around. You should ultimetely explain to her that he will not be around for a long time but the time that is left is very special. Children understand more then we give them credit for. Always explain things and ask if she has questions. I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job with this difficult task in front of you. Remember there is no perfect way to do this and it's always ok to cry in front of your child. They learn compassion. I'm sorry for your father's cancer it is a such a sad disease.

Answer 5

It sounds like you are on the right track. A good place to get some information or suggestions is from the Hospice itself. They had spent decades working with families in just this situation and they have ideas and resources you may not think of. I wish you and your family strength as you face this challange, Your daughter is lucky to have a mother so open and so willing to look for support and help.

Answer 6

When we lost my grandfather last year it was very tough on my girls then ages 8,8&9. But I was honest with them and told them that he was in a lot of pain here and it was bettter for him to go live with Jesus. So he wouldn't have to hurt anymore. But he would still be here in our hearts and our memories and he would want us to enjoy life. Also that we would miss him very much. We still love him and He still loves us. They have dealt very well with his death and also my other grandfather passed away when they were alittle younger and they have been through it before. We are a very close family and they feel secure enough to discuss their feelings with us most of the time. I also think that what ever you can do to spend time with him if he is able then do it but when it starts getting really bad then you should probably limit the time she sees him. Better to remember them more alive and well. But this is just my opinion. Hope this helps.

Answer 7

I said this to my 6 year old about her great grandfather..."You know Papa loves you, right? And you do know that things don't last forever or a long time sometimes, like your toys and books. People can't last forever either. Papa is sick and his body is worn and tired. He doesn't have a lot of time before he leaves us. He is going to be leaving us forever and he won't come back. It doesn't mean he doesn't love us/you. It's just time for him to go as a part of life." She seemed to understand until the funeral, then she asked,"Is papa getting a new body where ever he is going?" I said,"Yes." And she replied, "That's good maybe he won't be so tired in his new body." i don't know if this helped, but atleast you know you aren't alone....:-)

Answer 8

My grandfather just died and my son just turned 7. I kept him fairly sheltered from the emotions of other people (like my mom, my siblings) so that he wouldn't be exposed to their sadness. He cried when he died, but was more concerned about me and how I was handling it. We talked about how sad I felt & how much I loved my grandpa. He had lots of questions about death and afterlife - which are usually left up to your religious standpoint. The one thing we did to prepare for my grandpa's death (he was 100 and lost his wife 2 years proir) was spend time with him and make memories. She's probably crafty so left her start her own scrap book! I hope that helps!

Answer 9

it is a hard road I just went through it with my grandmother in December. I myself am 25 but I have 10 cousins that are all below the age of 12 and all of us were very very close to our grandma. I know that in our situation we believe that we will all see eachother again in heaven. I know there parents told them that grandma was going to leave them here but will be watching over them in heaven and that they would see her again. While there were and still are many tears for her our faith pulls us through and also knowing she is no longer in pain from her years of fighting. A song that has helped out whole family is "home sick" by mercy me

Answer 10

Your local library may have some books about the afterlife that a child would understand. You could ask the libraian to help you find something.

As far as your daughter, it may depend on your religious views, but you could tell her that her granddaddy is sick and will soon go to live with Jesus or something like that.