Dealing With Death of a Parent. How Did you Prepare, Cope, and Survive the Loss of Sick Parent?

Question

BABY Boomers or Adult Children Please if you don't mind.

My Mother is very ill and is almost 78 y/o. She is suffering Heart Failure and CHF as well. She has a damaged Heart Valve now and 2 other Heart Valves are malfunctioning. She also is suffering from COPD and I am told now has Pneumonia.

She has had 2 Open Heart surgeries and is a mess. She's now in the Hospital, and on top of this was abusing her Pain Meds with a needle intraveinously.

I feel this is the beginning of the end for her. I am her only son and have 4 Sisters 40 - 52 y/o. I am 47 and a Disbaled Veteran. My Mom has been my Buddy a lot in my life and we used to go fishing and gambling, and I love her deeply.

I'm not sure I am ready for this event although I lost my Father at 15. It didn't hit me as hard.

How do/did you prepare for this, and how did you handle the loss of your Mother or parent? How have you coped afterwards?

Serious thoughtful experienced answers only Please!

Yes I am a Protestant God believer. I am more Spiritual than Religious.

One of my concerns is how I will handle her actual passing. She almost died in 2002 of a blood infection, and it hit me very hard then.

It's not like a sudden car accident or something. I know she is in grave health now and likely to die.

I appreciate the answers so far, and most have been about the after coping and such. '

My main concern is the preparing part. I myself have MS, Diabetes, and about 40% of my Heart is damaged from a Heart Attack and I'm actually worried that the loss of my Mother may be more than I can bear.

I'm deeply emotionally tied to my Mother, and I've never been able to paint a picture of her not beng alive anymore and not in my Sisters and my life.

I think the pre-event up to her actual passing is where I am most concerned. I live alone, and I'm 270 miles away. I know i have to leave in the next couple of days. It's starting to surface now. The reality of it.

Answer 1

It sounds like you and I have much in common. I'm not the most eloquent in the world, but I will simply tell you what I and my sisters did. A year ago my Mother passed away. She was gravely ill for many years but she was a tough old bird and fought all the way.

Finally when the end was imminent my sisters and I, as well as many of her grandchildren and even great-grandchildren gathered around her bed. I was a mess, and that was not helpful, couldn't stop crying. One by one we said our good-byes to her. Told her to tell Dad, and our other loved ones who have passed on, that we miss them and love them. We told her how much we loved her. Then my younger sister, who had recently lost her only son to a terrible disease, took her hand and said "it's ok. Mom. You can go now. We'll all see you soon. I promise you, we'll ALL see you soon. With that Mom closed her eyes, took two short breaths and left us. I got the sense that she not so much died as really just left. Like she went on a trip. I suddenly felt a peace I had never known. I immediately stopped crying. Here I am this big Viet Nam vet who's supposed to be so tough. But when it comes to the deaths of your Mom or Dad, you're not so tough after all. I gave the eulogy. So many people were there! And that was comforting. Then I realized just what a full life she had. And death was just a new beginning for her. More a well deserved rest. It is strange not to be able to call her and Dad when something great happens. I just got a new granddaughter. And the first thing I thought of was "I've gotta call Mom and tell her." But it's not hard. You will miss her to be sure. But if she is allowed to leave with dignity and in peace you yourself will have a much easier time coping with it. You see, no matter how old YOU may be, they're still you're parents, and it really hurts when you lose them. But if you believe in God and his Promises, then you realize that their problems are over, and they're now enjoying their rewards. I hope this has been helpful. Feel free to e-mail me if you think I can be of comfort to you and yours. Best to you.

Answer 2

Check with the hospital for counciling groups you may be able to get involved with. When my mom was dieing someone gave me a book to read "Death and Dying". Some people need books, some need people or group therapy, some work better with religious counceling. The only thing you can do right now is to see your mom through her last days on this earth. There is no preparing you for the loss. You don't stop loving them a little bit each day to get ready for it. It's going to hurt and be painful. Tell her you love her, tell her how much she has meant to you, and then finally give her permission to go when it's time. Some times people linger in coma like stages waiting for the family to tell them it's ok to go. My mom did. The doctor finally told us we had to tell her it was ok to go. She passed a few hours later but we each took our time with her and said what we needed to say.

If it will help you can e-mail me through this situation and I'll answer you back. Maybe venting to a stranger will help out? If so feel free.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Answer 3

Well first off, you love her dearly, and you now know without doubt that your time together is limited. So make the most of it, or make it as much as you can. When my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I vowed to have no regrets, and so I visited as much as I could (I lived a state away) and I made sure all the important things were said, and I tried NOT to dwell on the negative around him. He died in April of 2005, and he was fighting the cancer for a year and a half, and I was a total mess the whole time...(but not infront of him)..I did a lot of mourning ahead of time, but nothing prepared me for when he was gone. I still wanted MORE time, I still do. Later, when she dies, you do things to honor her, you make the time to think about her, you try to stay focused on all the times she was your buddy, she wouldn't want it any other way. No one wants to think that the loved ones they leave behind are sad and miserable.

It is tough, I won't lie. It is stressful. I watched my Dad die, I watched his last breath, and it was probably one of the most pivital (sp?) moments in my life. I now try to live the best life possible. I now say "no" occasionally, and do a little more for myself, I now drink more too! and have trouble sleeping....

SO GOOD LUCK....take care!

Answer 4

I lost my mom 11 years ago when I was 27. It was unexpected. It tore my heart out, wreaked havoc on my family's cohesion (mom was the glue that bound us together). I'd say I still cried about it from time to time a year later when somethingn reminded me of her. Now, 11 years later, that saddness has mellowed, when something reminds me of her now, I am able to smile and feel nostalgic. There is no way for you to ever be fully ready for this it is going to hurt. There is no way around it. Just say all you need to say now while you have her. Every single day she has left is a blessing. Make sure she knows how much she means to you that is probably the best possible medicine for you. So that when she does die... you will have no regrets for something left unsaid.

Answer 5

My parents were in an automobile accident last year. They are in their late 70's. I was with them every minute while they were hospitalized and now live with them to help out. When I think of how close I came to losing them I physically get ill. I cannot imagine the loss. I joke about it sometimes but simply cannot fathom not having them around.

Answer 6

It is never easy to loose ones parent no matter how close they are. I lost my father a year ago to lung cancer and my husband just lost his father to COPD. It was very devastating to both of us as we also were not ready to face the reality of our parents passing away. Just reallize that it is going to be a very emotional time for everyone and that decisions will have to be made. I'm still sad that my dad passed away because everytime something good happened I would call him. It doesn't hurt as much, but I still think of him..I wish you well and I will pray for you and your family.

Answer 7

I lost my mom when I was nine from cancer, and I was pretty young, so I didn't really understand what had happened to her. I cope with it now by talking to my dad, and I ask him about her.

Do things to get your mom off your mind, so it won't hurt so much.

Talk about her with your family and it doesn't matter if it gets emotional

Its okay to have fun. Don't hold back on doing things just becuase you are sad.

She doesn't want you to be sad, so don't be.

Hope I helped. Sorry it was kinda long.

Answer 8

I am very sorry for your pain. I lost my dad last summer. He was in such pain, that it was a blessing for him to go. He had pancreatic cancer. It is never easy and there are no magic words to make you feel better. If you are a religious person, that may ease your pain and comfort you. I hope that you are. Your mom will always be with you, if not in body, then in spirit. God bless,

Answer 9

i lost my father to lung cancer a year and a half ago. the first day of his chemotherapy he died. i'm not sure if you can really prepare yourself for death of a parent, but i try to just keep living the best way i can. it's very difficult because you never forget them, but intime lots of time the pain slowly goes away. somedays are better than others. it's hard being without a parent who you consider your best friend.