What would you do if this was your situation?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. As much as I honestly LOVE him.. I second guess myself and our relationship. My boyfriend is not the most affectionate man. "I love you" is not in his vocabulary. I've told him that I can live with this for now, but if/when we get married and start a family it is something that is important to me. Even if I know it in my heart it's nice to hear.
Now, with all that said, my problem is that he is never serious. He is always "joking around". He asked me to go shopping for him, to buy him something non-specific. My goal was to buy something, but I didn't know what TO buy. When I asked him if he had any suggestions he said to me "I give you 1 responsibility and you can't even do that." His words hurt my feelings. When I told him, he told me to stop being a baby, and he was only kidding around. This is always how he "jokes".

Sometimes when I get truly tired of his and tell him that I honestly don't know if this relationship is going to have a happy ending, and I tell him that I am not happy. He always puts on the poor innocent puppy face (and voice to match) and says nice things including come here *hug* you know I’m only joking around, you know you’re important to me.

Also, he argues with my friends and family. It’s too much sometimes. He always thinks he is right even when he is prouved wrong. My friend will always hold her ground if she believes she is right. She will go look it up on the internet (to prove him wrong since he always always thinks he is right) and when she can prove to him that SHE is right, his replies are always arrogant and smug… you can’t believe everything you find on the internet, or whatever, or I’m telling you – it’s like this.

At this point I do not know what to do. I feel like it’s mostly me, like maybe I am overreacting to the situation I am in, I am a very over sensitive person (very complicated). But I am not sure. I love him, he makes me happy. But at the same time, I am not happy and I still love him. There is a lot more details to this story, but it would take forever to get them all in.

About the shopping incident, I was supposed to buy something for someone I do not know as well as he does.

Answer 1

From your description I can tell his perfect mate.

She's polite and dignified, a good cook and host. She stays home all day cooking dinner and keeping the house tidy. Her only responsibility is to her household and her man, and all else comes after.

If one day they have kids, all the children's names would have to reflect his, even the girls. So if his name is Robert, the girls are called Roberta.

It sounds like this guy wants the 50's stereotype of the perfect family. If you thing you can be that, then stick it out. If this is not you, and he won't change, then get out fast.

Answer 2

I can tell you one thing...he sounds alot like my ex-husband AND what my good friend is going through with her man right now. I know that sometimes the "joking around" gets to be too much! I am also a sensitive person but, I was not hoping my ex would cater to me or anything just a little something would have been nice. His words hurting your feelings are abuse...he probably doesn't MEAN it but, it gets to you after a while. You just have to really look inside yourself and decide if you are going to truly be happy being with this man or not. Life is too short to live it miserably! I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 3

You don't sound happy. No one should be made to feel like that. I think before you get any more serious with him, that you need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with him. If he pulls taht crap I'm just playing/joking, tell him that it really hurts you and if it doesn't stop and get better than you are going to have to reconsider the relationship. You sound like a really sweet girl and I hate that you are being treated the way that you are. I hope that I have helped you some and I hope that you will make the right decision. Good Luck!

Answer 4

Do not walk, but RUN to the nearest exit. I married a woman with the same "qualities" you are describing. She was always right, even when proven wrong. I was married for 22 years, but only stayed on for the kids. I was not a happy person, even though I thought I loved her. Thank god when my youngest turned 12 we divorced. I got custody of him and raised him myself.

To this day, my kids really don't like being around mom because of her attitude.

Long story short, I wished I would have left earlier. My life is much happier now. And I like myself again.

Don't make the same mistake. You are in your dating period, and this is the best it's going to be. It doesn't sound like your best is all that good.

Answer 5

By the sound of all that, it does seem to me, he really doesn't mean anything bad. As for the 'afffectionate' side of it, well some (read: most) guys are just like that.
The fact that you are together for 4 years also adds to the situation. It's pure nature that the emotions just cannot be as strong and passionate as in the beginning.
Which leads me to the coclusion:
It's up to you decide whether or not you want to stay with him or not. It could prove to be a good thing to try 'something' else. That's a huge step, but a huge 'refreshener' too.
But it could also prove that you might lose the person most right for you (in which I honestly don't believe).
So good luck :)

Answer 6

he hurts your feelings, then claims he's "joking". After four years, he should know what upsets you. Maybe he's not telling you that he loves you because he doesn't love you like you deserve. If he's not saying those three special words now, he won't change after ya'll are married. He's mean to you, mean to your friend, and fights with your family ... and you love him why? Honey, you deserve so much more than someone like that. Suggest that the two of you get some counselling - a therapist or a minister, maybe.

Answer 7

It is up to you to decide if this is the person you think will be a good mate for life and to be the father of your children.It is difficult after 4 years to make this type of decision.I dated someone from the time I was 17 and then married him at 21.We divorced 8 months later.He was not the guy for me.I remarried 6 years after that and we are celebrating our 17 year wedding anniversary this month.So...think carefully.You may want to see a Therapist to help you decide on what you really want.Good luck.

Answer 8

Sounds like this guy is full of himself. Can't say "I love you". Does this guy show any emotion? Share any feelings with you?
I'll call my wife up at work sometimes because I thought about her. I tell her I love her several times a day.
Saying hurtful things to you is NOT joking around.
I think you have a boy instead of a man.

Answer 9

This sounds EXACTLY like my dad.... in fact so much it's ironic. After 5 years of dating, my mom second guessed the whole thing. My dad never said I love you and wasn't affectionate. He is so arrogent, and she didn't like it but she loved him and put up with it, figuring they were dating so long and they had so much, so why break it off? Well, she regrets ever marrying him now....
20 years later the divorce is settling, and so much damage has been done in our family. My dad never said I love you to us kids, he wasn't affectionate... and that hurt. Do you really want your kids to have a daddy that never holds them or says he loves them? There was lots of fighting in the house becasue of my dad. Look up the symptoms for narcist (i think that's how you spell it) personality disorder. We think that my dad has that... your boyfriend could too. The symptoms sound JUST like my dad. But needless to say, do you really want this for the rest of your life? I wish the best of luck to you...

Answer 10

I think your trying too hard to think on the negative side of your boyfriend. Start thinking about the positive side of him. There must be something you like about him that has kept you together for so long; 4 years! I'm sure you are just writing this out of frustration. You know you love him. Hope you solved the problem! =] Good Luck!