How do you help someone understand what it feels like to be suicidal?

Question

I suffer from depression and I have had suicidal thoughts in the past. My best friend has no concept of "emotional intelligence". I've tried, without success, to get him to understand what it feels like to be hopeless. I can't get him beyond his belief that people who commit or even consider suicide are cowards and weak. Why is it so inconceivable to him that someone could be in so much pain, they feel they have no other options? While I'm not pro-suicide, I can relate to the feeling of hopelessness that precedes the action. I can also understand how someone could convince himself it is the right (or only) option for him. Why don't "sane" people understand this?

Answer 1

You can not understand what it is like to be suicidal until you have been there, until you have held that instrument in your hand and had to make the choice. Those who survive a friend of family member who commited suicide view it as supreme selfishness, as the stupidist mistake. I have been on both ends. I can say no one can fully understand until they have been there. A person who is suicidal has no concept of anything but pain and confusion. Most likely they have felt like that for awhile. They are literally being trapped and tortured inside thier own body. The only way out that they see is to get out of their body, and that is death. It is natural to be angry at those who comitted suicide, but being angry at those who are suicidal will not help them. I went to doctors and therapists for 5 years, all telling me I was normal, while I was suffering from Bulemia, Depression, PTSD, ect... What good are the meds if no one will give them to you? And with meds for depression it is trial and error, I STILL have not found an anti-depressant that works for me, after 3 years of searching almost all of them.
Be accepting.
Be comforting
Don't just listen, HEAR.

Answer 2

There is no way for people to fully understand anything that they have not experienced. And since he does not experience these thoughts, he will not change his mind. Why do you feel the need to convince him of it?

I have had suicidal thoughts in the past, when I was much younger I had them all the time. And I can tell you that someone who commits suicide is a coward. To give up on anything without a fight is weakness. I have friends that gave up. It is a sad thing.

Here's the problem: You're classifying yourself as 'suffering from depression' and classifying other people as 'sane' (which implies that you are not). What people don't understand is that the language they use to define things leaves an impression. If you classify yourself as 'suffering' then you will always suffer. Why don't you say experiencing instead, it implies that it is not forever.. because it honestly doesn't have to be. It's a choice you make to either become dependant upon perscriptions or become dependant on yourself to actually do the work to struggle through your problems.

Answer 3

There isn't a way - he could only understand if he were depressed to the DEGREE that you are or were. Even someone who is empathic cannot fully understand unless they've experienced it themselves. A true friend will make an effort to understand, and even unable to, will try to be supportive.

...Maybe everyone does get depressed, but not everyone to the same degree. Not everyone has the same experience(s) with depression, long term or short...and it's not so easy to 'fix' as getting medicated. Some people are so hopeless that they know no other way out than suicide. These people feel alone, they're not thinking to whom it would be fair/unfair. That's silly. People who are suicidal do try and reach out for help. For those that do follow through and commit suicide, where is their support before they reach that point?

Answer 4

Emotions are so personal and subjective that it's nearly impossible to convey emotions from person to person exactly as they are. Sure, a novelist describes emotions in a book, but I always wonder what the author was thinking when they wrote it and if I'm getting the 'whole' story in relation to what s/he was thinking.
Aside from that, some people don't want to know. Maybe a person's survival instinct is so strong that understanding or thinking about 'willingly' ending ones life is impossible.
I eventually just gave up trying to get most other people to understand. It seems too fruitless to try.

Answer 5

Because THEY'VE never been there-can't relate,I've been there.,& you really are'nt thinking when you act on it.clinical & regular depression are 2 different thing's,people who have never experienced clinical CANNOT understand,they tell you to get over it ,it will pass,blah,blah! I have had that hopeless feeling(my mom died & I guess, just lost it!) It's really on how well you can handle a situation sometime's-some don't handle as good as other's.& your not insane when your suicidal,your hurting in some way.also,people say your selfish if you do commit suicide,but,really your not thinking right-don't mean to hurt other's.Hope you are getting help for your problem's,seeing a dr.? DO!

Answer 6

You know unless you have been there, they can't relate. I suffer from depression and just to explain a close friend how it feels, he just don;t get it. He looks at me like I am making this up.
I have tried over and over to tell him but he doesn't get it. He try to be supportive, but I can only find comfort in people that have been through. Is going to be very hard unless they are going through it.

Answer 7

Some people who have never experienced depression cannot understand, so I suggest you quit trying to get him to understand. We are not insane when we have depression and sometimes we need to get help for things that are beyond our control. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 8

some ppl u can not explane it to. but i know what u are going threw i was suicidel for a long time. but if a person has never had the thoughts than u cant really explane it to them or expect them to understand

Answer 9

Ask why you need him to understand. I am not being flipant. It can lead to a lot of cleansing out. Do some creative digging using alternative stuff like cranial sacrel therapy, bio-feedback and body talk. There is always a root to this sucker! It's just finding it and gaining access to the right treatments. Self work is free. Depression is nothing to be taken lightly, I know. I really know. Some food alergies can actually sink some people! Wholistic doctors if you can get one are better I think. Access is a problem.

What is sanity anyway?You don't sound crazy! In fact you may have something there about emotional intelligence.

You got me thinking though, so here are some thoughts. They meander a bit but take what ever is useful to you. I realize you are not in iminent danger but I had these images come to mind.

In regards to your question, put yourself in his shoes as best you can and imagine someone teatering on the edge of a cliff. You are standing right beside them. Without thinking you reach out to grab them, but they are still caught there on the edge and you can't get them to move but you can't let go you are afraid they will go off the edge.

The instinct to survive and the reflex to pull the other person out of where they are are not about understanding. They are survival instincts. The person helping dosn't want to fall and they don't want you there at the edge.

Imagine someone stuck in quick sand. You are standing at a safe distance and as close as 'you' are able to so as not to get sucked into it yourself. You try everything you can to get them to grab on to the things you throw out to them.

They beg you to come closer but you can't , you're scared or you just know you will get stuck too so you don't go there. You feel helpless and get frustrated because nothing seems to be working. You want to cover your ears and look away but you care so you stay and you keep trying to help.

Friends cannot carry that load for you. People need to find free councilling and that sort of thing, help groups or more friends so they don't spread it too thick on one person. It is smart to use this service, it can be a good outlet to. people that are able to need to think of everything they can to get to the bottom of their depression and must never stop looking. If it is organic they can try diet and exercise to support good health and meds in a constructive way.

Your friend can't get inside your head or anyone elses and may have never had anyone close to him dealing with this before. He may be hiding his real feelings for fear you will sink deeper into yours, who knows! It may be a weird kind of protective behavior.

It's OK.

I have known people to be absolutly brutal about people with depression. Education about things like depression needs to be taught in schools to raise the public consciousness. Ed campaigns about mental health can help but they never change the views of shallow thinkers. At least I don't think so.

You could litterally get pamphlets and photocopy articals for your friend to read or take them to a councelling session with you, get in put from a medical doctor to explain the physiology of some depressions. It depends how really close you are I guess and what your current situation is.


Ask your core self to be happy with nothing but its own beauty! Celebrate your own spirit and let go of the expectations of others. There may be many layers to your depression, takes time to uncover your personal archeology. Indian Jones moment! Ah!

Hang on to simplicity and create beauty out of it. It isn't hard to become overwhelmed in the world the way it is today, so make your part of it better. You are important. You are valid and amazing in your own right. You don't have to justify anything to your friend ( I say that just in case since I don't know you)

Smile...I am sending you a hug.

Answer 10

Take them to a Jimmy Buffet concert. That'll get anyone feeling suicidal.