Spanking?!?!?!?

Question

I just spanked my 11 yr old daughter for beating her little sister who is 6. This is the first time I do it and she's had several warnings. I tried to avoid it and even took her to therapy; nothing worked. I can't just stand here and let my 6 yr old get hit. Why am I feeling so guilty? Am I wrong for spanking her?
I spanked her twice on her behind.
By the way, therapy has made her more aggressive and rude.

Answer 1

Oh, oh, if she is in therapy, I'm sure you'll be hearing about that level of discipline from the therapist (frowned upon). I do agree with spanking but if she is using physical violence on her sister, already and your using it on her, then it's giving the wrong kind of message. You never did state if it did indeed work though, I'm guessing probably not.
She sounds like she is getting nothing out of therapy, I suggest you find a new therapist, this one is not getting through to her. I'm sure she sees her sibling as getting better attention that she is and is probably seeking some of her own.
Shower her with attention but at the same time get her doing something productive (chores). Let it be known that you made the mistake of spanking her and from now on, any violence will not be tolerated by either one of you. If she has a problem she has to come to you, calmly and with no attitude. The attitude will not be tolerated and her room is where she'll be going, until she is willing to be civil. Set consequences and don't tolerate bad behavior with bad behavior. When she does come out, never question if she understand why she was sent to her room. Carry on like nothing happened and you be the better person. If you kill her with kindness and appreciation, she'll be more apt to be tolerant and understanding and will stop retreating to her room.
My daughter has had these moods for the last four years (she's fifteen), I usually end up either ignoring her or if it becomes unbearable, I tell her that she should go to her room and only come out when she's more civil. She ends up retreating for a few hours or overnight. We never speak about it when she comes out and carry on throughout the evening like nothing happened. She has since been more out of the room than in, she has come a long way, but does slip up. The difference today is that she catches herself, quite quickly and stop herself before she's sent to her room.
All I can say is stop the bad behavior, tolerate some but follow through with consequences
Oh, keep plenty of liquor on hand for the days when your pulling your hair out. The happy buzz should get you through the night and tomorrow has got to be better.

Answer 2

Don't feel bad for following through on YOUR words. If you didn't spank her for doing that she'd still be beating her sister. Threaten her more often and act on it less. Reward the good behavior and punish the bad. Sometimes you need to let her know that you're threatening a spanking because you mean it, not because you've run out of things to say. I was spanked alot when I was a kid and I don't resent my parents for it. My boys will fight and when I threaten a spanking they know I mean business. They've been spanked maybe 3 times in their whole lives and they are 5 and 9. Never spank in public though just threaten it in their ear. and be careful with your 11 year old, she may turn on you and try to get back by calling the cops since someone decreed that a single spanking is considered child abuse. sitting in the corner for a time out just does not work for alot of children. But do let your daughter know that it hurt you to have to do that to her. and Explain it in english to her. Some tweens need to be talked to like mini adults so they think they're more grown-up than they are.

Answer 3

I guess better late than never. 11 seems that it is past the spanking age. It doesn't seem that it would be effective. How bad can it be for an older child to be spanked by a parent? You aren't beating her so it doesn't hurt and she obviously doesn't care if she upsets you or not.

At 11 I would find something that really was a punishment. I would pack up all of her things except for books and she would need to earn them back. She has no right to put her hands on her little sister.

Where are you when she beats on her sister? What is her sister doing to irritate her so much?

Put your foot down and don't give in to the children. The must be respectful. It is your job to make them that way.

Good Luck. SD

Answer 4

The fact that you feel bad tells me that you're a good mom.
She doesn't need therapy and she doesn't need to be hit to learn that hitting is wrong.
All you have to do is take away privilages. It works better than spanking and it's longer lasting. Spanking just makes an aggressive parent feel better because they've just taken out their anger on someone who can't fight back. Real discipline comes when the child understands real life consequesnces. the fact that you feel guilty about spanking her is a great sign. that means that you're not the type of aggressive parent who's taking her anger out and it just means that you were frustrated and didn't know what else to do. Well here's the alternative you're looking for:
make a chart and put it somewhere where she can see if everyday (fridge works great).
Everytime she hits her sister, you put an "x" with a date and time next to it. Tell her that each one of those "x"'s is a gift gone from her Christmas and that if she runs out of christmas then you'll move into her birthday. I promise you, you will not see any more hitting.
Taking things away works better than hitting. It's confusing and counter intuitive to use violence to show that violence is not tolerated. This will work great.
Another option is that you take away one piece of clothing (or a toy or ipod or computer time, or tv time etc) for each offence. Depending on what she's into. believe me it will stop her without making her hate you and her baby sister.

Answer 5

Spanking is a parental choice. Although, the older your child is, the more ineffective spanking becomes. Taking away a privilege may be more effective at that age. Try not to feel guilty. You were doing what you thought, at the time, was best. That's all a parent can do. You learn from it, and if you didn't get the results you were hoping to achieve the first time, try something different the next/subsequent times.

Answer 6

We all feel guilty if we have to spank. We feel we've failed. We haven't failed. We needn't feel guilty. You tried everything else first. Spanking wasn't your first option. You spanked her twice, not exactly overkill. You have to do what is needed to get children under control. I'd also make sure the therapist knew she was getting more aggressive and rude instead of less. Relax, you followed the book. I'm mom to 3.

Answer 7

I don't think you should feel bad. I was spanked as a child and only have respect and love for my parents. There is a fine line between spanking for punishment and physical abuse.

You can tell me all the bull you want about how bad it is to spank but I wont buy it. Look at how disrespectful kids are. They have to learn to behave and have respect for others and telling them no and time outs will not work.

Answer 8

Sadly, our society has confused spanking with beating and abuse. I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I can only assume that you love your kids and have the best intentions for them. I love my kids and I want them to grow up secure in who they are, but I also want them to grow up respecting other people, especially the authority in their lives. They will never respect others if they disrespect you and clearly she does (disrespect you) in this matter if she has been warned several times and is still not obeying you.
There is a fine line here. Building relationships with you kids is key, they are more likely to obey if the honestly believe that you have their best interests at heart. Do they trust you, do you keep your word with them, do you play together? All of those things matter. There is a couple that I know of, Michael and Debi Pearl, they have Child Training material that may help you. VERY affordable, I think the book is about $5.

It is apparent that your 11 year old is crying out for something. She is clearly old enough to know right from wrong and also old enough to follow your requests.
The Bible says in Proverbs 13:24 "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." Remember, there is a difference in disciple and beating. So were you wrong to spank? Not in my opinion Again, I would really recommend the book by the Pearls. Their web site is http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/

Take heart, there is hope.

sllr6

Answer 9

NO GUILT. should have spanked her a long time ago. & if you let this go on, then what kind of example is the 11 year old setting for the younger one.

Answer 10

No don't feel bad, she needed it, it sounds like she needed it a long time ago. And these people who say that she is to old, well she is also to old to be beating on her little sister