Could you help me with this sad problem with my 14 yo daughter?

Question

A year ago she, who used to be a good girl, got jealous of her lil bro, disrespectful and did bad stuff like drinking and joining bad crowds. She apologized and showed regret but was grounded for a month and didn't rebel. When the grounding ended she told us she was very sad cause she felt we didn't trust her. We, especially me, were still upset and were extremely harsh, probaly a mistake. I ended up telling the girl maybe I would never trust her again, I was really harsh though she was in despair. She got depressed, her grades dropped, lost weight, quit sports. My mom tried to help, told me without accusing we 'd been cruel and suggested the girl spend some time with her. She accepted and mom gave her what she neded most, trust, and she's been with her for a year. She like started living again, resumed swimming, great greats, a brand new and wonderful girl. Incredible how she got mature in 1 year. But she doesnt want to come back home, now it's her who doesnt trust us, shes scared

She doesnt hate us, but is kinda hurt and even shocked, Gets sad and hurt when she sees or talks with us. Says she's afiad she'll get hurt if she comes back home and pleaded that we let her with my mom, who's her angel. My God, did I mess up?

Answer 1

Some children need a different atmosphere in which to bloom. My grandson left his mother when he was 11 to live with me. We are totally different types of parents. The relationship was amiable. He just couldn't handle her ways. He is now a Staff Sgt. in the US Air Force and doing well.

You are not bad. I would leave her there as long as she is doing well in school and obeying the rules set for her.

Do not allow other people and their unknowledgeable opinions to upset. you. They have no clue what went on or what goes on in your home and they don't need to know. Tell them thank you for your concern but we are handling this in our own way.

Answer 2

Being a parent means making the toughest decisions of your life for the good of your child. The decision you made was very obviously the right decision. I've had to do this as well, and to this day, I wonder if I should have done things differently. If your daughter is doing so well, even though it's hard, I would let her stay. Maybe you can go to family counseling to help her deal with her trust issues of you, but you can't force it on her. I feel very bad for her and what she must be going through. It's already hard to be a teenager and do the right thing. Give her time, talk to her, better yet, write her a letter and start off by telling her how happy you felt when she was born, and all the wonderful things she has done in her life and how very proud of her you are. Let her know that parents also make mistakes, not one of us is perfect, but you still love her with all your heart and soul and would do anything for her and anything to protect her. I've been there. She needs to feel loved, and once she feels that from you, the rest will eventually fall into place.

I wish you the best.

Answer 3

Babies aren't born with an instruction booklet attached. Parents learn by doing and often make mistakes. But teenagers can get out of control very quickly and many times it doesn't matter what the parent does to correct them, it doesn't work. I'm sure you did the best you could at the time. You don't need to feel guilty for that. It's great that she was able to live with your mother because I'm sure you each needed a break from the other. And it's good that she's done so well. If she doesn't want to come home, let her stay where she's succeeding in keeping her life on track. But emphasize to her that you'd like to visit with her often and perhaps take her shopping or out to eat once in a while. It takes time to rebuild trust but let her know you'd like both of you to try.

Answer 4

Kids ALWAYS see the "absent parent" as the angel. Give her time, and she will see that her mom is no sainte either.
You obviously love this child a lot, and this shows in the way you speak about her, and for the simple fact that you want her with you. That says a LOT for YOUR character! I applaud that!!!!! However, IF she is doing so good at her Mom's, then let her stay. It is not that you failed her, or did anything so wrong. You did what you thought was best. We all make mistakes, so please stop beating yourself up. Just give it time. When you see her, make it a happy time for her. Don't cry or talk about how you messed up and want her back, and all that stuff. That is too HEAVY for a teenager to handle. Just show her a good time, laugh with her, and RELAX. THAT will MAKE her want to come back more than anything else.

Answer 5

I think that you, your spouse, your daughter, and the girl's grandmother should all sit in a room and talk it out. If nothing is hiden and you all are upfront with each other a lot of problems could be solved. Does the girl's grandma even want to keep her any longer? Also, if you and the girl's grandma live near each other, maybe you could either share her like a kind of custody agreement or you could ALL live under one roof. This entire process will take time, but as much as I hate to say it, there might be some conduct disorders there. You should go to a pschiatrist and maybe get counciling. There are a lot of specialists who deal with this sort of thing who could help you a lot.

Answer 6

Yes you messed up big. She no longer trust you to be a mom and not a ***** to her.
Some things were said that she has not forgotten about.
You could have her home for weekends and see how that goes. Friday nights at first, then Fridays and Saturdays.
Holidays when she is out of school etc. Do some one on one talking with her tell her you are sorry for doing and saying what you did. Ask her to forgive you.

Answer 7

Lynda, i must congratulate you that you have given birth to a very mature and level headed child. Believe me, half the questions you'll find opposite of this.

To err is human, she is one, she did mistake on her part and realised it but got reprimanded. You should tell her that parents are humans too, they too can err and she is free to ask for a complementary gift for being such a wonderful young lady and meing mature enough to realise her mistake. Tell her that you too have realised her mistake and got slapped with the punishment of being away from her for a whole long year.

Compare her grouding for a month with your grouding for an year. Don't be harsh on her, she is a very sensitive girl. I'm sure she'll understand. Anyway, let it be her decision, even if she continues to stay with your mom.

best of luck

Answer 8

Yeah Mom, you messed up. Oh well...life goes on. Motherhood did not come with any training manuals. We all make mistakes with our kids.
At this point, you probably need to just maybe see if she would like to come home for a short "visit" and see how things go. Don't suck up to her and baby her.....treat her the same as you would if she lived there full time.
Your mom needs to assist in this transition and help wean her back into your family.
Good Luck.

Answer 9

sorry to say this but you really messed up i think you should go to where she lives and explain that there is nothing to be afraid of and that you meant to make sure she knows what happens when you do that kind of stuff that you love her to much to let her be afraid of you or of anything else make sure she knows how much she is missed and loved and remember to talk in private and in a calm voice not a begging voice just a sweet calm voice perhaps she will feel more welcomed back at your house and want to come back finally if she does come back then make her feel that her little brother is not more important give her the love and affection that she needs and desiers the most

Answer 10

I don't know what to say to you. If you hadn't grounded her, she might have continued to do what she was doing. That's what we, as mom's , do....We look out for them. Why don't you explain this to her, that you were only looking out for her well-being. And take it from there?