What should I do regarding my Matron of Honor? Please Help!?

Question

My friend (of 15 years), is like a sister to me, which is why I asked her to be my matron of honor. She is giving me a hard time about the type of dress I want her to wear, which we haven't even started to try on yet. I prefer either the strapless, spaghetti strap, or halter style. She says that she is not comfortable, and I said that she could wear a shaw with the dress. She said that she wants nothing more than to stand by me in my wedding, but if I choose to not have her in my wedding over a dress, then she is fine with it. She is totally playing on my emotions and making me feel bad for something that I want. It is MY Wedding, and she is trying to control it, and I hate that she is making me feel this way! I want my girls to match...I do not like the style where every girl wears something different....that just isn't my style. How do I handle this and still save our friendship....if it should be saved? She is also giving me problems over hair, makeup, and shoes, too! Please help!

We are in the beginning stages of planning the wedding. I have multiple styles in which I want each girl to try on. I am going to go with the style that looks good AND that they are comfy in.....BUT she refuses to try any of the ones I like on! She is married...I was in her wedding. Her mother made our dresses with zero fittings in AZ..we live in PA...we got the dresses a week before the wedding and the dress was too tight, and cut into my underarms....she said I could wear a shaw, & I did. I want the dresses the same and the difference with her would be the shaw. She told me that she is trying for her 1st child...that she may be 7-9 mos preg. and could have travel restrictions (she moved to MD).....I think I should just tell her in respect to her trying to get preg., that it might be best that she not be in it....what if she ends up with a travel restriction while preg.? Then I am screwed? Is this a good way to handle it?

I talked to her....she wants to be be covered from the waist up...shoulders, arms, everything......So when she comes back to Pgh in April, we are going to try on all kinds of dresses. But....I do not feel that I should have to settle for a dress that I hate for her to feel comfy in MY wedding. Is that so wrong? She is a very controlling and opinionated person...and can be very manipulative if you let her. I am sorry, but I am not going to let her manipulate my own wedding. There is no way in hell that she would have put up with this crap from her matron of honor....she gave me crap about wanting to wear a shaw in the wedding but agreed to it, after she saw how bad her mom screwed up the dresses.

FYI... the other girls are excited and are willing to try anything on. AND I am keeping my eyes open and considering all styles....but I am dead set against the dresses with sleeves for my girls....I don't like them....Period.

Answer 1

You said it, it is YOUR day, not hers. You said that you were willing to have her wear a shaw but she still wants to do every thing her way which says that you are wanting her to feel more at ease with what she wears rather then say wear this or don't... It doesn't matter if you want her to wear pig tails and a big bow on each shoe, she accepted your offer of being the matron of honor and should in return honor what you have picked out for the girls to wear not tell YOU she doesn't want to wear it. It would be diffrent if you were offering her advice as to what she thought the girls should wear.

Weddings can play havic on every one involved some times the sweetest person turns into a green eyed beast, so as far as saving the friendship, I would have to say it depends on weither she is like this all the time. If she is allways putting down your ideas trying to turn them into your own then I would say you should question the friendship. Mabe she doesn't understand how much her actions are bothering you?

How to handle it, in a calm manner I would talk to her about it being your day and you are open to her ideas and you want her to feel at ease with what she is wearing but on the same hand you have a visual idea of what you want her to wear. tell her that she means alot to you and that is why you asked her to be in your wedding and you don't want to loose a friendship over this but she should respect your wishes.

I realy wish you the best

Answer 2

If you says she's opinionated and manipulative, it sounds like she's jealous of the spotlight being on you and you making the choices, and is doing her part to regain control. It doesn't matter if she's already married, she can still feel that way. She sounds domineering. Her poor hubby.

Her jobs as MOH is to support you as the bride. She should wear the dress, a shawl or wrap permitted, unless it's for religious reasons in which case you should accomodate her all the way. I think uniformity is important but with the MOH she can have a little something different than distinguishes her from the other bridesmaids, like a shawl or a sash, or whatever. If she's a large girl or big chested I can see why she'd want a little more coverage. So far it sounds like she's just being difficult and not being open minded about the whole thing.

I am a MOH in an upcoming wedding and I am resigned to go with the flow on whatever direction the bride points me in on the dresses choice, no matter how heinous or unflattering. I'm not crazy about the one she picked for us to buy but it's not my wedding and the bride can't please everyone and she's gotta consider the overall appearance of the wedding party. If she can't suck it up a wear a dress she doesn't like for a few hours for a longtime friend, what does that say about her loyalty to you?

Simply put it sounds like she's using your friendship as a means to control the situation and you're being a softie and she's being a bully. Maybe as you try on dresses, she'll warm up and feel like she can relinquish control. If she start letting her call the shots, it'll be that way thru the whole planning process. Be firm and if she can't fulfill her role and be the support that you need without putting her own little quirks aside, she should step down.

oh honey I just read about the pregnancy and travel bans and this is definitely a jealousy issue! She can't stand you having the spotlight!

Answer 3

This is YOUR day and if she is a true friend, she will abide by your wishes (without a hassle).

However, that said, at least in relation to the dress, You could have your bridesmaids wear one style of your choosing and your matron of honor wear a different one of another complimentary style (that she is comfortable in) Matrons are often set apart by a different dress or color of dress.

But ultimately...YOU need to do what you want. My mom planned my 1st wedding while I was still in college and NONE of it was how I really liked it...now 20 years later I am planning my 2nd wedding/marriage and doing ONLY what my fiancee & I want.... so we can look back on it and really cherish the day with no regrets. Maybe you can sit down and talk to your friend...there may be a reason she is really uncomfortable in that style dress (weight, scars etc) be understanding if there is. But if she is just being a diva...tell her to knock it off...and she can wear your choice...or be a guest at the wedding and wear anything she wants!

Answer 4

The good thing about her being the matron of honor is that she really doesn’t have to wear the exact same dress as the rest of the bridal party. That’s the choice the bride makes with or without the maid or matron of honor. Is there any compromise over her dress? It’s your wedding and your day but it’s also your very best friend who’s like a sister to you. It must be important to you that she be by your side. Her wearing a sheer shawl is it really all that bad? However you and her really need to talk and let her know that this is suppose to be a happy joyful time for you and she’s stressing you out. She’s suppose to take the stress off of you not put it on you. She needs to be understand that if it was her wedding she wouldn’t like it if someone was doing to her what she’s now doing to you. If you and her are as close as what you think, there should be a way to either compromise or she should be willing to deal with what you want for just one day. However her comment about if you don't want her to be in your wedding over a dress the that's fine. You need to tell her that you never said you didn't want her in your wedding you want her to be in your wedding by your side however if she feels that she can't be in your wedding over a dress, shoes, hair and make-up that even though it will break your heart and more than likely effect a 15 year sister like friendship, you will understand but she needs to let you know because you will have to get someone to replace her. Let her know that they can build a bra into her dress and that the dress will lay flat on her so she won’t fall out of the dress and the best man will not be able to see down her dress. Take her to a bridal shop and have someone there show her and talk to her. I think once she starts trying them one she’ll stop being such a pain. Congratulations! Good luck with you matron of honor.

Answer 5

First of all, I'm sorry that someone who has been your close friend for so many years would treat you like this. I would have a heart to heart with her, and do not discuss any further details with her. You pick out the bridesmaid dresses that you like. Show her the dress once you've picked it out, and announce that this is what the bridesmaids will be wearing. If she has anything to say against it, then I'd put the ball in her court and let her opt out of the wedding on her own. That way, down the road she can't say that you asked her to not be a part of your big day. She seems very childish if she is not willing to allow you the freedom to make your own decisions about your wedding! Make it clear what she is doing to you, and how it makes you feel, and then ask her if it is worth hurting a good friendship over something so trivial. My goodness, she doesn't have to wear the dress very long, and allow her to change clothes for the reception if she wishes. Ask her if she would like her matron of honor treating her that way if it were her wedding. If she decides not to be in the wedding, then that is her choice, not yours and you'd be better off in the end for it. A wedding is supposed to be one of the best days of your life, and you don't really need any added stress on you right now. Good Luck and Best wishes!

Answer 6

I am the MOH for my cousin, and I also told her right from the minute she asked me that I would love to be her MOH, but I would not wear strapless, spaghetti straps or halter dresses...I have a very large chest, and I am not going to wear something that makes me feel uncomfortable, no matter who its for.

The truth is, at the end of the day, there are tons of beautiful dresses that are not strapless, etc...and I don't think its too much to ask a bride to consider the feelings of the person who is going to be wearing the dress.

I am getting married in Feb 2008, and I know it is easy to get stuck on ideas you have about wedding stuff, but you have to think--when you look back at your wedding photos, would it upset you more to have your great friend missing from the photo or a strapless dress?

And, about the wedding I am MOH for in April-we did pick out alternative dresses from what the bride wanted, and she actually ended up being happier with our selection-and we're all happy too! Try not to let this situation devolve into a you against your loved ones type of thing-it will make your memories of your wedding so much less happy. After all, what's the difference about how they wear their hair or what shoes they wear (esp for a floor length dress) or if the dress is halter style?

Answer 7

OK, you're calling her a matron of honor, which means (I'm assuming) she's married. If she has a child as well, then she may be very body conscious, especially against the rest of your "girls" who may not have had children yet. Do you HONESTLY want your friend who is like a sister to you to be forced to spend money on and wear a dress that she's not comfortable in all day long? Turn the table around, how would YOU feel in her shoes. You don't have to have EVERY girl wear something different, but most weddings I've been to the maid/matron of honor does wear something SLIGHTLY different, just to differentiate her from the rest of the crowd. Have the rest of your girls wear the 1 dress, and have her pick out something that will look lovely with the other dresses, yet she will feel comfortable in. Yes, this friendship is DEFINITELY worth saving, since you've been friends for 15 years and she's like a sister to you.

I can tell you why she said that she's fine with you not having her in the wedding over a dress too...she's hurt that your behaving the way you are over this...sorry, but you're sounding just a wee bit BRIDEZILLA here. You're basically choosing a dress over your dear friend's feelings. There is a way to turn this into a win win situation for both of you. You need to sit down with her--CALMLY explain your rationale, and then CALMLY listen to hers. If she has a legitimate reason for not wanting to wear the dress you want her to wear, then find a compromise. Not being comfortable in the dress is legitimate, sweetheart!! Do YOU want to be uncomfortable all day long??? OF course not!!! Neither does she!!

Compromise is the main ingredient in a successful marriage, you won't always be able to get YOUR way on everything, you'll have to give a little to get most of what you want. If you approach your marriage in the same way you're approaching your wedding, you're in for a rocky life. I wish you all the best, but please consider your friend here. Yes, it's YOUR wedding, but that still doesn't give you the right to walk all over everyone.

p.s. After reading your additions, why don't you just wait until everyone's there in April trying on dresses before getting all worked up over this? I'm sure in the shop the saleswomen can help you with this issue, it happens ALL THE TIME. Just relax and chill out, ok? You're stressing something that you don't need to stress about right now. Just put it on the back burner for the time being. Or you can just kiss the friendship good bye. Especially if she's trying to get pregnant--or should she wait until AFTER your wedding next year sometime to start planning her family. You need to chill out sweetie, or you're going to lose a friend over this one, and it doesn't need to happen that way. Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

Have a pow-wow with the entire entourage and meet at a bridal shop. Let THEM find a dress they can all (mostly) agree on, and then figure the shoes to match. Hair and makeup should compliment the person, not what you want. You aren't going to be dictated to regarding YOUR hair or makeup, you shouldn't do that to your attendants either.

This is what I did for my wedding, and it worked out great. There were fewer hurt feelings, and I didn't come off as a Bridezilla.

There are far bigger things to worry about than the dress style, believe me. Just go with the flow and have a good time....your wedding is not where you want to draw battle lines...especially with good friends over something silly like a dress.

Answer 9

Honestly, as I read your narrative, I was thinking you were being a little ridiculous.....until, that is, I read the stuff about her "thinking about getting pregnant" and "travel bans".

To me, it sounds like she's not enitrely sure she wants to actually be in the wedding. So, she's issuing vague suggestions of pregnancy and travel bans in a thinly veiled effort to get you to reconsider asking her to be in the wedding.

Now, her tactics are manipulative and mean...no doubt about it. But, really, considering the situation, you have to ask yourself: Is she doing all of this just because she's THAT freaked out about the dress/makeup thing?

You've got to find this out and do so quickly. My suggestion is for you to have a frank discussion with her and find out what the heck is going on. You can't allow her to manipulate YOUR wedding like this...but, in the same breath, you shouldn't be SO inflexible that you're unwilling to accomodate different body types with your dress choices.

Seriously, please talk to her and tell her how you're feeling. I don't think you want to risk a 15 year friendship over a dress.....

(Incidentally, it's possible that EVERYONE would be happier if she wasn't actually IN the wedding, but was a guestbook attendant or a reader in the church....that way, she could wear what she wanted and STILL be part of the whole shebang...)

Answer 10

Why would she want to wear sleeves? It seems to me that you are being very open with different styles, and that is more than you have to be for sure. You need to just plain call her and tell it to her bluntly. This is YOUR wedding and she can wear the dress or not. You are not choosing the dress over her, she is. Tell her to grow up while your at it. I think she may just have a problem with you being the star. Good Luck, and remember any friend worth having would not be putting you through this.