My husband of seven years has been caught cheating on me with several different women. He just moved out of our house two days ago. I have three children ages six, three, and 6 months who I will be raising on my own from now on. My oldest child asks me why daddy doesn't live here anymore, and I can't find the right words--I said that he doesn't want mommy anymore, but of course he doesn't understand why. Can anyone help me please? Thank you.
2007-03-14 04:12:59 · 11 answers · asked by Kayla 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
Tell him that you and daddy have decided that you need to live in different places. Make sure he understands that it is not his fault and that daddy still loves all of them Allow him to call dad anytime he wants. Answer his questions, but to the extent that a 6 year old would understand. Just don't make dad out to be an enemy (even though to you he is right now!).
2007-03-14 04:18:26 · answer #1 · answered by punkin_eater26 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I'm the product of several divorces. This is what I remember happening and what made me uncomfortable as a child. It's also what I see a lot of my friends do to their children that I wish they wouldn't.
Don't vilify daddy. Yes, what he did to you was awful, what he did to the family unit was awful, but it doesn't do any good for the children to place blame. Be careful not to say things like, "Daddy doesn't love Mommy anymore", as children can construe that to mean that love isn't a definite and that Mommy or Daddy might stop loving them too. I would suggest saying simply, "Mommy and Daddy had some problems we couldn't fix. Daddy moved to another house and now you'll have two houses (making it sound like an adventure). I know you'll miss having Daddy here every day, but you'll still be able to see him (on weekends, when you miss him, whatever the arrangement is)."
It's important not to use the kids in your anger and pain. As much as you'd like them to know how badly you were hurt, it's important that they view their father as they always have...not as a bad guy who dumped you...but as their daddy. Be sure to be businesslike in front of the kids, they can pick up on the tension. You will have to deal with this man for the next 18 years concerning the kids. Don't send messages through the kids either (ex. "Tell daddy you need new shoes"), do it yourself or send a sealed note.
2007-03-14 04:33:11 · answer #2 · answered by Ree 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You should be honest without getting into the details. Please DON'T tell your kids that daddy doesn't want mommy anymore. That may be how you look at it, but that is not something to say to a child. He is the father of your children and while I know that he seriously hurt you, don't take your hard feelings towards him to the children. Maybe you could just tell the kids that daddy and mommy don't agree on this big thing that happened and you both agreed the only way to solve the problem is to live apart. If pressed for more details, just tell your kids that is all they need to know and when they're older you may explain it to them. Honey, my heart goes out to you and I've been in your shoes (except I've only got 2 kids). I know that you'll feel like bashing him at every opportunity but you can't do that with your children around. They'll think that the sun rises and sets with your ex and all the while you'll have to bite your tongue and let it pass. I truly wish you nothing but the best.
2007-03-14 04:24:52 · answer #3 · answered by Jayna 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
A six year old child is old enough for a dilute rendering of what happened.
Tell him that sometimes people who love each other have problems that they can't work out and that because of the problems that DADDY is having, he moved out so he could get help to work on his problems.
Remind him that Daddy and Mommy LOVE him and that Daddy's problems don't have ANYTHING to do with him.
Tell him that it is O.K. to miss Daddy, but that you are there for him always.
Don't make your child take sides! He needs both a mother and father in his life. Try to be fair about this.
Instead of telling him the gritty details (leave that question for Daddy to answer!!), reassure him that YOU are not leaving and make sure he has regular visits and phone calls with his father.
Get into counseling IMMEDIATELY. They can help you with your feelings so that they don't create more problems for you to deal with - you have enough on your hands with raising your precious children especially in light of this issue.
Get help from your local church or synagogue. Find a Mother's Morning Out group and try to get some job training skills IMMEDIATELY.
While the children's father should be involved, there are no guarantees, so prepare yourself.
Good Luck and God Bless!
2007-03-14 04:31:10 · answer #4 · answered by stonechic 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am sorry to hear about your husband. I can understand how hurt you are but telling him that Daddy doesn't want Mommy isn't the best idea.
You and your husband both need to sit down with your son and talk to him. Tell them that you both love him very much but sometimes grown ups, like Mommy and Daddy, decide that they are going to live in separate houses. Make sure he knows that this will not change how much they care about him.
Hopefully he'll still be able to see his father even though you two are separating. That is very important.
Take Care,
SD
2007-03-14 05:36:36 · answer #5 · answered by SD 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Just explain that:
"Sometimes when grown ups love each other, they know that is best for them to live in seperate places. Mommy and Daddy still love you very much, but right now it is better that we don't both live here."
Basically make sure that your children know that they are still loved very much and that right now you both need space! Make sure to reasure your children that they didn't do anything wrong... and by no means - bad mouth their father to them.
Although you might be upset (AS YOU SHOULD) your children don't understand! Finally, you also, don't know if you will ever reconcile with your husband...
Make this time as easy for your children (they are the main concern) as possible!
Good Luck! My sympathy goes out to you!
2007-03-14 04:23:29 · answer #6 · answered by Glory 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
tell them that mommy and daddy are not going to live together anymore,but that you both love them very much.and that she can see daddy whenever she would like.and go and spend time with daddy doing fun stuff.dont put blame on anybody they are children.you both had the children to raise,and love and that should not stop because of a problem that you have with each other.
2007-03-14 04:21:20 · answer #7 · answered by carmengrace25 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Tell him that daddy wants to live with a different women because he stopped loving mommy. BUT say if daddy don't love mommy anymore don't mean he don't love you. He'll always love you and you can still see daddy,play with him ect.. he's just not living with us anymore.
2007-03-14 04:22:32 · answer #8 · answered by Tara Elaine 4 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Just tell him that daddy and moomy cannot live together anymore, b/c yall don,t get alone. Make sure you tell him that it is not his fault, or b/c of him. Some kids think when their parents split that it is their fault.Good luck!!!!!!
2007-03-14 04:53:40 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
tell him that you and daddy don't love eachother anymore, so it was best for you kids that daddy find another place to live, so that he can take better care of you. make sure to tell him that its not his fault that daddy left, and that his daddy still loves him and wants to see him(so long as all of that is true).
2007-03-14 04:22:18 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋