My grandfather is dying and I need help please?

Question

My grandfather is very old now and is soon to die; he is in the latter stages of asbestos poisoning (he worked as a builder for many years) and has opted to leave this world in the comfort of the home he built.

He is right at the end and has taken me to his side, telling me of the war (ww2) when he was part of transport column carrying intelligence through the Japanese front lines in Burma. His unit was captured, many of them killed outright and the rest taken to a prison camp in the jungle where they were tortured to reveal what they knew. They were kept for just under a year, many dying, never giving up their secrets. My grandpa is telling me the stories of all his friend he saw tortured to death, none of them ever revealing their information; his best friend, he said, was used for bayonet practice and my grandfather had to help try to hold his innards together as he died.

Later my grandpa tried to escape and was blinded as punishment- he never saw again, and....

....even now he can't bring himself to forgive the Japanese for killing all his friends, even though he accepts he killed many Japanese too. My question is, how can I bring myself to understand what he went through in that prison camp? I love him very much, and of course I am comforting him in his final days, but can I get closer to him by trying to understand what he went through, even though it's something a world away from my own?

These days he says he just wants to see his wife, my grandma again (she was killed by a car many years ago) as the pain of his illness is too much, and he is sad because he thinks my generation have forgotten the war.

He is Scottish but lives here in England, and he tells me that every day now he can hear the old pipes of his homeland a little louder.

What can I do? Thank you so much.

Pete, thanks for your answer, what I mean by this question is that he has had a good, long life, but in his last days he is stuck in the horrors of the war- he did not reflect upon it as much as he is now he is dying.

NB- yes he does have the Burma Star Medal, I will look in to this- thank you

Answer 1

does he know Jesus?

Answer 2

You have received some wonderful advice about how to be with your Grandfather and I can add very little to that. Just being fully present with him is a huge blessing to him from you. To be that way with someone who is suffering, to be open and accepting of them, no matter what they say, is vitally important.
At such times we need validation and acceptance, not judgement, for who we are, not necessarily what we are saying. It is hardest to be with someone in this way when they are saying things we cannot accept - though I guess this is not the case for you - nevertheless, we still desperately need that acceptance as human beings, which is what you can do best for him.
To hold his hand, be there for him, is a wonderful gift for you both. He has obviously chosen you to be this for him at this precious time and that is a great privilege.
One other thing - don't lay faith or religion on him - that is totally not what he needs. If he has a faith then support that for him by encouraging him to rely on it, but otherwise let his peace come through your love.
Very good luck and best wishes to you.
You may like to approach someone to whom you can talk who can be a confidante - start with the Samaritans. You may need to unload sooner or later.

Answer 3

All you can do is be there for him. Hopefully we will never have to suffer like his generation did in the war but it is good to remind people what they went through. We lead a better life because of them.

Stories help bind past and future, the stories he tells you of his time in the war are important as you can pass them on to the rest of your family and in that sense keep his spirit alive for generations to come. My great-grandad was in the war and some of the stories I hear of his time in it are unbelievable and I wish I had had the chance to hear them from him.

Pass on my respect and gratitude to your grandfather, most people still remember the war and the sacrifices made, even if the truth of it all is hard to comprehend. And as long as people are reminded hopefully your grandfather and others will always be remembered and honoured.

Answer 4

None of us will ever be able to comprehend the things that these men and women suffered in Japanese POW camps.My grandfather died a few years ago and he spent 4 years in one of these horrific places and the stories he told me were just as horrific.I was glad he told me because now I can do my bit to make sure that the suffering endured by my dear old Grandad and many thousands like him will not be forgotten during my life time...I am sorry your Grandad is still suffering and hope he will quickly be reunited with his beloved wife..tell him you love him..hold him close and be thankful that he has been such a special person in your life..Don`t be too sad,many,many Grandads never returned from the war...I was so lucky to have mine for 40 years,and miss him everyday,but am happy because he suffers no more...

Answer 5

My grandpa just died 2 weeks ago. He had been sick for a year with lung cancer. Just try to spend as much time with him as you can and learn what you can from him. Try to make him comfortable and talk to him about the old times you had where everything was beautiful and you were young and make sure you tell him you love him before you leave EVERY time. I hadn't seen my gramps in about 6 years before his last week. We were in a huge fight and he was mad at me and didn't want to see me and I went out there to visit him anyways and he was so happy everry time I left he cried and told me how sorry he was and I told him how sorry I was and for 1 week we were happy and normal and he just loved it that I was there to feed him his ice cream. See what I mean- just be there.

Answer 6

He went through it so that you wouldnt have to.

My grandfather rarely talked about the war, but he had 2 SS daggers, and you only get them one way....he was always very anti war when i talked to him.
The fact he has told you about this now means it is really important to him for you to know.

Maybe talk to him about how he would like to be remembered, he must have got the burma star for his service, maybe the burma star association could help.

Treasure whats left of your time with him, when the end comes it comes.

hope things will be ok for you.

Answer 7

Some people reflect on their lives in their last days of life,wondering if they could have done things differently,wondering if they had been in another place in another time,,its the smallest word but it means so much,,,if,,,.
Your grandfather may be preparing himself to see him comrades again,asking himself did he do the right thing,could he have done more etc.
All you can do for your grandfather now is to listen and learn.
Our grandparents are extremely wise and dont get half the credit they should.
Your grandfather trusts you enough to open his heart and soul to you,take it all in,listen to him and let him know you love him,understand him and will never forget him.
I lived with and took care of my nan for 3 years and remember everything about her,she passed on 3 years this October,she told me lots of stuff about her life that she never told anyone else.
Your grandfather knows in his heart he can trust you,just be there for your grandfather and love him in his final hours

Answer 8

there isnt alot you can do to ever understand what he went through. Maybe do a little research and get some facts. But the best thing you can do is listen, just listen. hes trying to leave you a legacy by telling you of the past.Remember his stories so future generations will always be reminded of what they went through and the sacrifices they made.

Answer 9

hello well all i can say it im very sorry that your grandfather is passing to the spirit world and all i want to say is that the war has hurt him the most in his life and thats why its at the front of his thoughts at this time . if its any consilation he will meet up with your gran again and have lots to talk about and to share with whats been going on in our world and to talk about you and the family we have all been there before but we cannot remember passing over im sure he will be in touch one day with you sounds like his spirit is tired and wants to go to the spirit world soon just go along with his stories of the war that will help him lots

Answer 10

Keep on listening, holding his hand and showing that you are there for him and love him.Try and ensure that he gets enough pain relief even if it makes him a bit drowsy, and do your best to keep him as comfortable as possible with the nursing help you both need.You are his most important person.

Answer 11

It is not easy seeing a loved one in that condition.

I encourage you to talk to him about the Lord. God not only wants to comfort and heal him, but forgive him and give him access to Heaven. I'll be praying for you.