Can someone translate this Hebrew paragraph into English?

Question

סטטוס: לא פנויה

אורינטציה מינית: מתלבט/ת

גובה: קטנטנה חעע

משקל: שמנה אש [=

מזל: טלה

לימודים: כיתה ט' חיחיחי

צבע עיניים: הכי יפה שיש P:

עגילים ופירסינג: לובים, לשון, ספטום ובטבור- למעלה ולמטה (:
צימחונות: לא

הסטייה שלי: התחת של אושרייייי ואוראללל !!!!!!!!!!

מה אני מחפשת: חבר פריק מושלם (עדיף רוסי חח) עם אוטו :]

צבע נוכחי בשיער: שחור ואדום !

מצחיק אותי: שיעורי מתמטיקההההה D:

מפחדת: מכפות רגליים חחחח, אל תשאלו למה !!!

Answer 1

סטטוס: לא פנויה status - not available

אורינטציה מינית: מתלבט/ת sexual orientation - not sure yet

גובה: קטנטנה חעע height: tiny

משקל: שמנה אש [= weight: very fat

מזל: טלה astrological sign: Aries

לימודים: כיתה ט' חיחיחי studies: 9th grade hahaha

צבע עיניים: הכי יפה שיש P: eye color: the most beautiful there is

עגילים ופירסינג: לובים, לשון, - למעלה ולמטה (: earings and
piercings: loebs, tongue, navel top and bottom

צימחונות: לא vegetaian: NO


הסטייה שלי: התחת של אושרייייי ואוראללל !!!!!!!!!! My style: oshri's butt and oral

מה אני מחפשת: חבר פריק מושלם (עדיף רוסי חח) עם אוטו :]
what am i looking for: a perfect freak boyfriend (preferably russian) with a car
צבע נוכחי בשיער: שחור ואדום ! current hair color: Red and black
מצחיק אותי: שיעורי מתמטיקההההה D: makes me laugh: math homework

מפחדת: מכפות רגליים חחחח, אל תשאלו למה scared of: sole of foot hahah, don't ask me why.

Answer 2

I don't speak Hebrew, and there are very few online traslators that can interpret a paragraph (babelfish.com doesn't give you a Hebrew to English option), so I found another translator and did it word for word. It won't make much sense grammatically, but perhaps you can derive the gist of the message (I've numbered the lines and am using slashes to represent the different parts of each line that I could translate):

1: available/ be unable/ status
2: to have doubts/to appoint, nominate/ orientation
3: tiny, small/ either 'collector of money' or to be haughty
4: be despaired, give up/to count or reckon/scale, balance
5: lamb/lucky
6: class,classroom/studying, instruction
7: there is , there are, one must/beautiful/it is really/stitch hole loop/to paint, color
8:to totter, shake or waver/accomplishment/center,navel,bellybutton/tongue or language/Lybian/earring/be unable, tired/vegetarianism
9: to draw out, fish/underneath, instead of/mine or my/deviation, divergence or variation/
10: car/be dimmed, dulled/nose ring/Russian (person)/preferable/ruler or governer/detatchable/to join, combine/seek/I, me/what
11: red, ruby or scarlet/darkness, blackness/hair/current, present/color
12: lesson, tutorial/me/to cause to laugh
13: why/to ask/to, toward or "don't, it's forbidden"/foot or on foot/palm, hand or bound, tied/to fear, be afraid

Not sure if this will help you, but if no one else can give you a literal translation, perhaps this can help you somewhat.

Answer 3

It's the lyrics to Weird Al's 'Pretty Fly for a Rabbi':

(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of'em were nudniks and none of'em would last
But ournew guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to die for - he really knows his shtick So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too
Working' like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say 'Vay is mir!' and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi) He shops at discount stores, not just any will suffice
He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal! People used to scoff, now they say 'Mazel tov!'
He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul
What's not to like? What's not to like?
Oh high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats pastrami on white break with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing! When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hhhhhip
The parnets pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho He's doin' well, I gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says, 'Shalom!'
And 'Have some cake-You want some cake?'
Yeah he calls the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz!
So grab your yarmulka--
The one you got for Chanukah--
Let's put on our yarmulkas and--
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!