Please tell me the funniest joke you ever heard?

Answer 1

Who is the smarter sex?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad
one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars,
the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And
look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head
in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cork back
in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Answer 2

This monkey was getting high in a tree and a gecko came along and asked the monkey what he was doing.
The monkey said "I am smoking the best weed on the planet. Want to try some?"
The gecko accepted and they sat there for hours getting high.
Soon, the gecko, not used to getting high exclaimed "I'm getting thirsty, I will be right back!" and off he went to the river to drink.
While he was drinking, an alligator came along and scared the gecko so badly, he fell into the water. After rescuing the gecko, the gator asked if he was OK.
The gecko told him of the monkey and the weed and the incredible thirst. So, the gator decided to go see for himself, this stoned monkey.
Upon arriving at the tree, the monkey looked down, saw the gator and exclaimed "Dang man,............just how much water did you drink?"

Answer 3

Not the best one I've heard, but it is a good one. Here goes:

Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor - Condolezza Rice

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Answer 4

what's the biggest pencil in the world?


Pennsylvania

Answer 5

A female can orgasm.