finding it hard to let go of the past.?

Question

well i dont know where to start. i was in a relationship for nearly 2 years. the first year was amazing then it went sort of down hill. in the last 3 months of our relationship i found myself not wanting to spend time with her, id rather be on my own- i also didnt want to have sex with her as i found she put on weight, and to me let herself go.
I wasnt happy and it seemed like i was going off her.

Anyhow she dumped me just over a month ago. since then ive really missed her. The reason she said was that she had been gonig off me for around 3 months- didnt say anythnig as she was hoping it would go away.

dont ask me how we got to the point but she said she didnt want me to speak/see her again.

been trying to get on with my life- going out with friends, working etc yet i find in myself something is missing. I dont know whether i miss my ex or her company.

would probally say i never truely thought we would be together forever.

why am i finding it hard to let go?

Answer 1

It just is. You bond (and quite literally via brain chemistry). Some people bond more deeply than others, and some people are more emotionally prepared to deal with seperation anxiety.

Chances are, she possessed more traits that were negatives (turn offs) than simply her weight gain, but that became the focus of issues (you could have encouraged her to go on walks with you, or if you lived together... begin a sensible nutrition plan).

At any rate, your interest level in her got pretty low, and like good little Fido... you stuck around for the ocassional pat on the head. Good boy, here's a doggy treat.

When your interest level in her dropped, you stopped being as affectionate, you withdrew, and this started making her interest level in you decline (she was paying a lot more attention to you than you were to her, that's for sure). But Kitty isn't quite like Fido: if Kitty doesn't get affection every once in a while, or if Kitty senses you pulling away, Kitty tries harder... for a little while... to get affection.., and then Kitty runs away.

Problem: You were bonded more deeply than you thought, and when she dumped you, it came as a suprise, and your interest level increased because something unexpected was happening. Sucks huh?

Now... while you are in this obsession mode, it's sometimes helpful to some people to keep a list of things that she did to lower your interest in her and add things to the list when you remember them. It's a funky little ritual anyway.

What is going to happen when enough time passes to erase this bond is that you are going to realize that not only weren't you being honest with her and trying to work through this, she wasn't honest with you either. At the very least, you both probably started out thinking you were being nice when all you were doing was losing your integrity.

Counselors call this a communication breakdown. It's a ridiculous name, in my opinion. And you should know because you just went through it: did you two fail to communicate? Yes. But why? Because you were both confused and weren't paying attention to your mate and doing what it takes to keep each other interested.

It's very important to have high integrity: your emotional self, your rational self, and your actions must be consistent in a relationship, or you wind up sounding lost like you do in this question.

In the future, you need to think about what keeps men and women interested in one another in a relationship, and excercise extreme integrity (don't fake things), and if you sense things going south, you have to cut it off before it unwinds for 2 years... because this is going to take time (probably many months) to process.

Attractive Character Traits:
1. Confidence
2. Integrity
3. Flexibility
4. Positive Attitude Toward Life
5. Discipline (including grooming,fitness, manners, etc. General self-control)
6. Affectionate
7. Romantic
8. Self-sufficiency (not too needy).
9. Not carrying a lot of emotional baggage.

Good luck. This is going to take a while. Keep going to work, spend time with friends and family, keep up your fitness routine, don't try to kill your sorrows in drugs or alcohol, check out the above list, and try to work on improving yourself where you need to improve... including letting go of this emotional baggage.

Do not jump into another relationship to try to avoid dealing with this: you aren't emotionally or rationally prepared to do the proper kind of mate screening you need to be doing for another serious relationship. When you start dating, do not spend all your time telling your dates about your ex. When you get over this, you'll wonder why you ever felt this way, and you'll be stronger and better emotionally prepared to deal with another relationship (provided you pay attention to the importance if Integrity: do not become an actor. Be real).

Much of the advice given so far has been really, really bad. My favorite has to be the alleged female saying she married 3 months after a breakup. 3 months isn't enough time to decide you want to keep the same gardener, let alone a wife. Heal before you get involved in another long-term relationship, and then maybe learn a bit about screening potential dates: read things at askmen.com and listen to the streaming radio program at doclove.com for starters.

And the Feminista claiming you must be shallow because your question focuses on her weight was just dying to call you names. Funny stuff. And I am betting the weight is only part of the problem with her lack of self-discipline (like a woman wants her man to gain a bunch of weight, have self-control issues, stop grooming, etc Yeah, right. They love that.). Read Natasha's profile before you take any advice from her: she is advertising herself as a person with a horrible attitude and suicidal depression and a victim mentality. Oddly enough for a victim, she comes on here to pounce on males who are vulnerable: she's a crazy person looking for a victim herself. She's sick.

Answer 2

You are finding it hard to let go because you do love her. The thing is there should of been communication between the two of you before it got to this point and clearly there was not. Second there is some guilt there too for the way the relationship ended. By her saying she does want to see or speak to you is her way of trying to heal and to move forward. Give her the space if you do not see yourself with her maybe you can be friends after the heartache heals it is far better than nothing at all with her. And if not let this be a lesson that when in a relationship you need to communicate each and every day.

Answer 3

Habit probably babes. When you're going out with someone you're txtin and calling eachother all the time. It can be hard to get used to not having that person around even if you don't feel that way ab her anymore you know?!

Time is what will get you over that. Don't worry we always tend to look back at relationships wit rose tinted glasses but you split for a reason n it will get better..................good luck x x x

Answer 4

i think your finding hard to let go because you have just realised what you have lost. i had it happen to me when i left my man and a little while down the track i was really gutted that i didnt try harder, because all i wanted was my life with him back, no one else.and i left it too late, so if its too late in your case, then move on....but if you do, dont be surprised if once you get your life back, your ex comes knocking....she's fine all the time you are single....i have a feeling the green reyed monster takes over sometimes
x

Answer 5

Well thats the mystery of love!, to be fair we've all been there and judging by what youve said id leave it be!, i know its hard and its easier said than done but you have got to move on.
if you were to get her back youd feel the same way in a couple of more months. you will find some1 else so dont kick yourself! let love find u!!

Answer 6

specific I do. i've got been by way of an incredible bit and in specific situations it fairly appears like that's catching up with me. some issues that have occurred i will on no account be waiting to forget approximately and as much as i attempt to go on from them they are able to be somewhat chains around the ankles sorts of issues.

Answer 7

sounds to me you dont miss her you just miss the company of being with someone, also its only been a month so give it some time you will begin to feel normal again soon, i was with someone for 3 years and like you, felt it was going downhill for the last year, anyway 9 months after we split up i married someone else the person i was destined to be with, it happens for a reason. good luck and just enjoy youself you'll be ok

Answer 8

u find hard because u didn't find other girl to forget your past... u must to live your life and try to find other girl, open your heart for new girl for new life... u will forget her... nothing make u forget at all it's hard but u can stop the missing when u miss to other girl.. i tried that it's it will work if u believe in change because the life never stop because of one lady the life is full of girls so go on and pick one and live your life.. good luck

Answer 9

get over it.you are crying now only because she had the rocks to dump you first.what has a few fat cells got to do with love.you never bothered to find out what was going on in her life all you wanted to do was leave her to slowly drown in her own sorrows .look who's crying now.

Answer 10

you should feel bad. if you love someone then you have to accept that they are sometimes gonna change. what happened if she was pregnant- would you go off her cos she put on weight? dont mean to be rude but shes better off without you! obviously you are shallow and didnt realise just how good she was until you lost her! lesson learned i think.