Is it easier to fake it?

Question

Any advice on this would be appreciated. I come from a very religious (Mormon) family. I just got engaged to a very religious fiance. This would probably be fine and dandy, except I've realized I'm not religious. After I moved out on my own, I stopped attending the church because I had no desire to go, and didn't really see the point. I realized after I lived on my own that my true beliefs are that there is no God and that is okay with me, and I am still happy. I have not told my parents and am not sure if I should! For one, they are very closeminded and would think I had gone off the path. Today my mother was talking to me about how I need to start attending church if I ever want to be a 'good mother and good wife'. I was silent and just nodded but felt myself wondering if I can keep up this charade. I tell my fiance everything and he is my best friend, but even this I have to hide. I am not sure how I can live this double life, but the truth I think would hurt them too much?

Wow, I thank many of you for your answers. I didn't have room above but my fiance yes does love me for me, not the religion. He knows I've been doubting the religion. He knows I feel that there is no God. But he hasn't ever taken it that seriously because I think he feels that I will come around. I am more concerned about my parents not accepting my beliefs than I am him.

Answer 1

Actually, it's easier not to live a lie. You're only hurting yourself by hiding how you truly feel. There's nothing wrong with the path you've chosen. You came to a conclusion and you're happy with that. I'm assuming your quality of life hasn't changed and you seem very secure with your belief so, there's no reason to hide anything. Your family might object but, at the end of the day, if they truly love you, they will accept it. That's what unconditional love is all about. Just tell your parents that you no longer feel the need for religion. Keep it simple. Don't demean their beliefs or anything. Tell your bf the same thing. I doubt it will have that much of an affect on your relationship with them but, be prepared for them to not understand straight away.

Don't ever fake or hide what you really are. That's no way to live. If you lose some people in your life because you don't think like them, oh well. I know they're you're family and all but, they should accept you. There are worse things to be in this world than someone who doesn't believe in God. You're still the same person. If they can't accept that, at some point, they would've found something else to object to anyway and probably would've found fault in that.

Advise your mom that church has nothing to do with you being a good mom or wife. That takes a brain, not attending service in a building. You still have values & morals. Church isn't the end all be all and you'll be fine without it. Tell your family that they wouldn't want someone with differing beliefs telling them how wrong they are so, in turn, you'd like them to accept you as you are and not make a huge deal out of something that is a personal choice. Good luck.

Answer 2

Is it okay if your fiance hides things from you, too? Deception does not seem like a very good recipe for a healthy marriage (OR a "best friendship"), no matter what anyone's religion is. If you CAN'T tell him absolutely ANYTHING, then perhaps you aren't as close as you think you are.

Does he love YOU or your facade of beliefs? If he wouldn't want to be with you because your beliefs are different than his, then he and his love are really shallow, and you shouldn't be with him in the first place. Would you teach your children that it is okay to judge people because of their beliefs?

What a shame, that your mother thinks one can only be a 'good mother and good wife' by going to church. That doesn't say much about her confidence or skills in raising you - is she that dissatisfied with how you turned out?

You should just BE HONEST. Their religion frowns upon lying, no? Then how can they fault you for telling the truth? The ONLY thing that will really have changed is the INFORMATION they have about you - YOU will be the same person as you were before they knew.

IF they love you unconditionally (as it should be), then they'll accept YOU as YOU are (and have probably been for a long time). IF they don't love you unconditionally, well, you will be free to find someone who does, and in the long run, you'll be better off.

Currently, YOU are being as closed-minded as they are, assuming that they will reject you. They're obviously aware that you haven't been going to church for awhile - maybe it won't be that much of a shock to any of them - maybe they even suspect it. Be honest and learn who your friends and family REALLY are! If they don't support you no matter what, then WHAT IS THE POINT in having them around?!?

Good luck!

Answer 3

Well for one, don't try to live a double life. Two, pray about it. You must have been raised LDS... one thing that I love about the gospel - the promise of eternal family. You love your finance right? Can you imagine not spending eternity with him? I know you said "there is no God"... you should still ask. Maybe deep down you really know there is a loving Heavenly Father but it is easier to just dismiss than live the gospel...I don't know. I know our testimonies are like plants, the more we feed and nourish them, the more they will grow. The less we go to church and do the things we should, our testimonies will dwindle and eventually we will no longer have the companionship of the Holy Ghost. Satan is the one who puts doubt, confusion, fear, and misunderstandings in our minds to lead us away from the gospel.
Talk to your parents and tell them how you feel. Honesty is always the best policy. And yes, since they love you, they will probably pressure you a little to return to church...they want to be with you forever and know that is the only way.
Good luck.

Answer 4

More than anything, you need to be true to yourself. If your fiance truly loves you then the gap between your beliefs can be bridged...if not, its possible that you don't belong together. Parents are another story. Mine (I've come to find in the recent past) will love you no matter what, but I've seen some that choose to let go of their children to uphold their religious beliefs (I'm sorry to say)...either way, do you want to let go of your true self to make others happy? That is the question that I'd ask myself if I were you...be careful in your answer here...I've also learned from experience that you can loose friends and family by following a path that isn't commonly accepted.

Answer 5

First question, why now do you not believe in God?
Second, you shouldn't marry someone who thinks you are someone you are not. So, you can answer your title questioning if it is easier to fake it better than anyone because you already are faking it. If your fiance' is truly religious, he will stand by his beliefs and stand by the word of God during your marriage and since you do not believe, there are major heartaches ahead. Hurting them too much would be marrying someone that you are not compatible with. Religion is a top 5 issue when marrying someone and part of the reason he is marrying you is that he thinks you share some kind of religious belief. You have a decision to make, keep pretending, seek the face of God, call it off completely or do some soul searching.

Answer 6

I actually had this problem with my ex...
You should tell him the truth in a very kind way without imposing your own beliefs. The earlier the better, because if you guys have kids, are you sure you want to raise them to believe in a God that you know does not exist? Or do you think he'll be ok with raising his kids without teaching them about a God that he knows does exist?
I guarantee that the marriage will fall apart if you are not honest. I can lead to so many more destructive things than just a mask. Your husband should be the one "soul mate" who you never have to conceal from.
Good Luck!

Answer 7

Wow, that's a tough one. I think, from your fiance's perspective, that he believes you to be different than you actually are. You can't help if you don't believe the same way, but don't you think it might be unfair to marry him and allow him to think you are religious when in fact you are not? He would be basing his whole marital future on a lie. That is in your control, and I don't think it would fair to him. Also, you aren't being true to yourself if you are pretending to be other than you really are. Sometimes it's easier to just "go with the flow" and let people just think something so you don't have to make waves, but in the end it is more damaging. Think of all the anxiety and stress that is going to build up in you, by keeping all this inside. I always feel that the truth may hurt me, but I would be more hurt if I found out someone was lying to me.

Answer 8

I woudn't tell them, that way you will be sparing them. Not only yourself. I know how annoying and frustrating it can be, but just listen to what they have to say without arguing. Trust me it's for the best. Then do what you believe is right.

As for your fiance, I think he should know. You can break the news by bits. Work out questions, have small discussions every now and then.

Then you have to start thinking about your future children. If ever. This is what's most important. If your fiance accepts you as you are and you two have opposite beliefs, how will this be reflected inside the family. How will you handle it. You have to have worked out some guide lines.

Answer 9

You can probably deal with your parents by respecting their beliefs and gradually letting them know that you are developing ideas of your own. The fiance problem is much more serious. You are probably going to wind up not marrying him or it will be a short marriage. Something that might help you is a book by James Fowler called Stages of Faith. Here's a summary: http://faculty.plts.edu/gpence/html/fowler.htm
You haven't "lost your faith." You have moved into the Individuative/reflective stage. Once you have moved out of a stage it is extremely difficult to communicate with people who are still in it and possibly always will be in it. Give some serious thought to what you will have to hide from your husband and how you will not be able to share your most important thoughts and feelings.

Answer 10

Wow, that's a tough one. As a person who has had a lot of years to learn I would advise you to tell your boyfriend that you don't want to get married to him. As I understand the Mormon religion, it would be very unfair of you to marry him under your current circumstances. As far as telling your parents about your change in religious beliefs, I don't think I would unless you absolutely had to for some reason. Things may change in the future and there is no point in hurting them now if it can be avoided. I think that you simply are not ready for a marriage committment to anyone at this point in your life. You've got to figure out who you are first and that takes time.