Will he get more attached to grandma than mother?

Question

I just started work last week and my mother-in-law takes care of our 3 month old. She's very nurturing and loves taking care of him. I feel like I'm already loosing the bond i had w/ him before i started working and it's shifting to his grandma. He's not a very expressive child, but when i come home from work he doesn't seem happy to see me or even seem to recognize me :( I was wondering if anyone has had experience with this and how it has effected your relationship w/ your children now? In the future, is he going to think "my grandma raised me because my mother worked"? Do any of you who had both parents that worked and were mostly w/ another relative when you were younger think that now?

Please, no mean answers. I feel guilty enough as it is about working. But if i'm overthinking it, please let me know.

Answer 1

unfortunately most mothers today have to work and their children go to various types of daycare while they are away. many of them go through this because they feel guilty for having to leave their child in anothers care but trust me your bond with your child isnt being broken he is just forming a different kind of bond with grandma the mother child bond is one of the strongest and hardest to break. be happy that you have someone nurturing to care for him while you are working good childcare is often hard to come by i tried to go back to work after my daughter was born but went through 3 different sitters in a months time many are either unreliable or are just doing it for the money any could care less about the kids and others you just dont feel comfortable with for whatever reason. i gave up on my quest for a good sitter luckily i had that option so many moms dont. you are truly lucky to have a family member that loves your child available to keep him

Answer 2

I went back to work when my son was two months old and my mom watched him. I'm not going to lie and tell you it wasn't difficult...he was VERY attached to gramma and at times, it really got me down. He always seemed to respond to her more than he did me...but that was only natural because he was with her more. When he started going to school it got a little better because he wasn't with her 10 hours a day.

But I can tell you...it doesn't break the bond between mother and child...there's just no comparison. He's 23 now, and although he's still very attached to his gramma, we have a relationship that I cherish. He still isn't one to show affection very readily, but no matter how many of his friends are around and no matter what he's doing, he finds time every day to show me how feels, whether it's a short text message over the phone, or a big bear hug and kiss on the top of my head (he's 6'4) when he sees me. Don't worry....you won't be disappointed. Just be thankful he's with someone all day, who loves him.

Answer 3

Could be simply adjustment issues due to you returning to work. I had to go back to work when my daughter was 6 wks old (she is 3 now) and my grandmother took care of her. I had no issues then, but she was very young. I became a stay at home mom when she was 18 mo. Nearly two years later, I am working again and she had shown her displeasure by not listening to me, wetting her pants (she is potty-trained) and simply acting out at time. I can assure you that your child will adjust and will never forget who you are or get more attached to you mother in law. You're mommy.

Answer 4

That would happen no matter who keeps your baby. Just be thankful that your mother-in-law is so loving to him.
Most mothers go through the same feelings that you are having.
That's one of the things you lose when you work.
Try to not overthink this and be happy when you are with your baby. He will know who his real mommy is.

Answer 5

I was raised by my parents but both of them worked and are still working but the difference was that since first grade,after school I stayed alone at home.And it was great!I love my parents - they raised me,they were wrking so I had food to eat,clothes to wear and other things which some children don't have because of financial problems.
In your case it's similar but there is somebody who takes care of your child while you are at work.Children get more attached to the person who takes care of them.After work you have to take some time with your baby and take care of him/her and play with him/her and show how much you love him/her.

Answer 6

Oh no! I started working when my daughter was 4 months (I had some serious post partum depression and working was very theraputic for me.) I was so grateful that my m-i-l was available to tend her for me...SO much better than daycare. At three months, kids are not usually very expressive anyhow. He knows you by smell, by the sound of your voice, by how you look. And he does so love you best of all! As he gets older, he's going to do the most endearing things when you come pick him up and you will melt into a puddle of goo. Don't worry, mommy. Your bond with him is strong and it's better that he go to grandma and get to know and love her than some stranger who is just going to treat him like cattle.

I, personally, spent a lot of time with babysitters as a child. I wished that I could have gone to grandma's house. Grandma's house was party time! She made cookies, she read me stories, she let me watch all the Flintstones I wanted. Her house was clean, and I felt loved...and my grandma doesn't say "I love you" with words...with actions, yes, but not with words. The sitter was a grumpy, troll who couldn't care less about whether I was fed, had peed, blah blah blah. Her house was filthy. Nope, grandma rocked the world!

Yeah my daughter runs to grandma, but there is no question that I'm mommy. She is at home at grandma's house. They make cookies, she gets to watch "the mouse movie" (Stewart Little), she gets to wear "ballerina dresses", she gets to play outside. Mommy comes home and she (now 2) comes running and gives me a big hug and tells me she loves me. Just so long as we don't have to go home. :)

Lots of moms have guilt about something or other. With my son I had a lot of guilt about how early he was born...7 weeks prem. I blamed myself, second-guessed myself, wondered what I could have done differently. Don't feel guilty about working. You are overthinking it a ton. He is safe and happy. He is not going to forget you in a day. Take her some flowers and say "thanks mom-in-law, I sure appreciate you". And when you get home, rock him and snuggle him and hold him until he falls asleep. Talk to him, sing to him, tell him about how much you love him.

Hang in there, mom!

Answer 7

99.9% of good grandmothers will work with you, and have respect for your relationship with the baby. Things being what they are, many moms are forced to work.
There are one in a million grandmothers, who are more obsessed with their need to be needed, and who will actively try to sabatouge the parent. They see themself as becoming the parent.. and can go so far as to attempt to take the kids. My daughter's mother in law is one of those, and she succeeded. Mainly due to the failure of her son, to recognize that his mom has such control issues that she emotionally harmed the kids.
Please don't let this scare you. I sincerely doubt that your husband's mother is like this, and honestly feel that the woman in my situation is mentally ill. Feeling badly about going to work, after having a new baby...is totally normal.
One way to deal with it, if you have a good relationship with her, is to bring it out in the open. Tell her you feel badly about not being able to be home with your baby, and compliment her on the fact that she is providing a safe, loving place for her grandchild. I am betting she will reassure you that she has no intention of taking over.

Answer 8

Of course your child will get more attached to grandma than you. She now functions as his mother. He needs to bond to one person - that's the biology and he must do it. You are no longer available for the vast majority of his waking hours.

More than 10 hours a week separation from mommy is measurably damaging to an infant.

The NICHD research shows that infants who experience this separation (even when grandma or daddy is the substitute) have intellectual deficits, poorer physical health, more emotional problems, and poorer social skills when compared to children who didn't suffer this kind of abandonment by their moms.

If you have to work, then thank goodness his new mommy loves him, and is not likely to quit, subjecting him to yet another abandonment.

Look, we're primates. Our babies need us. Period.

Other horrid effects of mother substitutes for infants are 1)child is less attached to mommy 2)mommy is less attached to the child and 3)daddy is less approving of the child!

Lots of people (who also abandoned their newborns to work) will tell you it is fine, your son loves you, don't worry, every little thing you do is just fine because you do it. And they will be lying to you.

Of course he will say - my grandma raised me. His grandma is now raising him!!!!!!!

Also, most moms today do not have to work - most moms of infants still don't. And, the more money a man makes in this country, the more likely his wife is to work. I see all these two parent families and their kids have tons of dumb material things. Most don't have to work, they just don't want to wait for stuff.

Answer 9

You are the mom and your son will know you as his mom. He will not think that his grandma raised him - he will think that he has a mom who loved him a lot and boy wasn't he lucky to have a great grandma, too. Your baby's love for you will not dim because he loves your mom, too.

Answer 10

No don't worry he is not going to blame you for working but you need to make yourself available sometime, so you can spend some time together (of course without grandma around). Good luck