I've lost contact with my adult son and his family and I feel awful?

Question

My son, his girlfriend and their son who'll be 1 on the 17th have stopped talking to me. They were sucking us dry for all they could. They were acting helpless and needy, so trying to be a good mom, I gave too much, and then was horribly taken advantage of. I provided them free rent, free childcare, free food and free everything. I tried to have a family meeting to see if we could work things out. They didn't understand that they had to help out, since they didn't make a lot of money at their jobs, it was my job to take care of everything so they could save their money. The final straw for me was when my van was stuck in the snow and I was digging myself out, while my son just stood there and watched me; I asked him why he didn't offer to help me and he said "you didn't help me, so why should I". They seem to be so self-centered and nothing or no-one else matters. His childhood wasn't the greatest, but I'm a good mom, how long do I have to pay for the past?

My son is 20. His dad and I divorced when he was 3. His dad is an alcoholic and was very physically and emotionally abusive to me. We had joint custody. My son has idolized his father and now he treats me like his father did. I feel so guilty and I keep trying to make things right by being a good mom. I feel like he is laughing at me behind my back because I'm so easily taken advantaged of - I just want them in my life; you know the whole "perfect family" kinda thing - how can I get myself to wake-up and realize that it is never going to happen. How do I leave the past behind, stop feeling guilty for my bad decisions and live a happy full life?

I have had many conversations with him, we have talked about everything. I have said I was sorry. He is mostly upset with me because we had joint custody and he resents me because he had to live with his dad some of the time. In the beginning his dad kept him from me for almost 6 months - he told him that I was dead and didn't want him. He is very angry and sad. I have tried to be there for him, but all he wants to do is make me pay for all the bad stuff. I just feel lost.

Answer 1

Wow...feeling like adopting? I'm available...and I'm full grown with kids of my own. Honey, as sad as this is, is only going to get worse before it gets better. For whatever reason, you son is angry and he's using it to guilt you. It's working. The thing about all of this, is that you long to see your grandchild, you miss the connection, and you miss having them around. So, no matter what we say, at one point or another, you are going to cave and let this "taking advantage of mom" thing happen all over again. Let me tell you something sweetie. You can't redo the childhood. All you can do now is show love, acceptance and understanding. he's a grown man now and responsible for his own family. He can't let his past predict his future...life doesn't work that way. if he truly hated his childhood, then he'd be taking every step imaginable to make sure he doesn't put his own child through that same thing. It doesn't sound like he's doing that. To me, he sounds more like he realized he got a raw deal growing up and he's making you pay for it. You need to stop this now. If he's not in contact, write a heartfelft letter...explain how you feel, explain why things happened the way they did and then express your remorse, but stand strong on not continuing on that same path. It leads to a dead end honey. Either your son is going to realize this and let the past go, or he's always going to carry it with him and let it weigh him down. He's an adult now, he makes the choices for himself...not you. If he doesn't like his situation, he has nobody to blame but himself. Open the door to your little gate of guilt prison and get out mom....you can't undo what has already been done, all you can do is focus on the here and now.

I wish you luck honey and all the patience in the world.

Answer 2

I think you have done all you can to show him you are a good mom. Your son is 20 yrs old & if he doesn't see all the good things you do for him, then he will realize it when he gets older. 20 is not actually the age when you start seeing the real life. He has a lot to learn, he's got a long way to go. The only way to toughen him up is to let him be independent so he can learn to be a man & learn to deal with his own responsibilities rather than sitting there, watching you pay for his mistakes, not yours. Once he becomes independent & you not helping him anymore, he will realize later all the good things you did to help them. He will be thankful for that, trust me. Don't help him financially anymore. You can still help babysit, but don't do it all the time for they need to learn the responsibility of being parents. You tell your son that you can't change the past, but you can act upon the present & try to make good of what you can. If he doesn't respect you, then LET HIM BE. He will come around, keep in mind that it's not going to happen over night. There are other things you can do to show your a good mom, by keeping in touch with them even though they don't want to talk to you, you tell your son "I AM STILL YOUR MOM" regardless what's happened. It sounds like he needs some discipline. Let the beginning of his independency do that to him. No family is perfect, just know that no matter what obstacles, the important thing is that ya'll stick together.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 3

This is a discussion that needs to be had with your boy, and not us.
We don't know what went down, the whole story.
It sounds like you raised a boy who isn't responsible, but maybe a discussion with him, and truly being sorry on your part for any pain caused him might repair things. Also explain that it hurt when he didn't help you because you raised him, changed his diapers, kissed his owies, cleaned up his vomit, and he wouldn't help you a little bit. Explain, don't be angry, just have a calm, emotionless discussion so you remain calm and clear.
Also, if you want a relationship, you may have to suck it up and be used in order to gain access to your grandchild. Thats a decision only you can make, but be prepared to be stepped on all over again.
Good luck!

Answer 4

You divorced your husband because he was abusive, now your son is abusive too, is it possible that your behavior and attitude actually incourage this nagative behavior ? I'm not saying it's your fault but perhaps you have some self esteen isuues. If you refuse to stand up for yourself until the last moment, this leads to huge emotional scenes that rarely resolve anything. Stand up for yourself always, help out on occation but only as much as your comfortable with, if your wallett is always open how upset can you be when you find it empty.

Resume contact with your family but go in with strength, and maintain it.

Answer 5

Yikes! I know you must ach to see your grandbaby. Why don't you call and take resposibility for your bad actions. NOT HIS. He is a grown man and can't always fall back on his "poor me, I had a bad childhood" whine.
You all need to forgive and forget and get on with being a family. Take baby steps...don't expect change quickly. Develop an adult relationship with your son, not a mother-young son relationship. Good luck

Answer 6

pass to Cindy Sheehan's internet site; Goldstar mothers for Peace and locate some convenience there. This conflict is against the regulation and our pres would not know the regulation or he might have advised the certainty and gotten warrants for the cord tapping occurring now....... keep in mind the Viet Nam demos and act!!!

Answer 7

because you have done everything for him and have not let him experience life, he does not understand what you have done for him, I went through this growing up with my mom, but after a while out on my own, i began to appreciate all that she had done, let him go and grow up a little on his own, but he should not neglect his son by not letting him enjoy his grandma, you need to try and talk to them one more time, family is everything and some people don't realize it till someone they love is gone and then it's to late, so try one more time to get through!!

Answer 8

Time.....They need time to grow up and you need time to heal. Let it go for now you cannot force something like this. I am sorry you will miss seeing your grand son, but it is time for you guys to be apart.

Answer 9

This is such a good Dear Abby question...

I'm wise enough to know I don't have any better advice than that! Good luck.

Answer 10

He choose to take after his father. Your son has alot to learn still, including that you don't have to put up with his bullshit and you're not going to.