4.5 year old son will not do as told, ever!-How do I get him to do what I say when I say it.?

Question

My 4.5 year old son will not follow instructions from me. I am constantly discaplining him and he gets used to it that is doesn't phase him too much- I just take things away from him. Here is an example, I tell him it is time to go - he ignores me, keeps on doing what he wants to do- I have to threaten to take something away or do take it away (like diner at his granparents that he loves to go to) I will even walk away. I feel like I am constantly bargaining with him. How do I get him to do what I say when I say it. I am afraid this is can become a safety issue what if we were in a situation where he had to get out of the ocean lets say and did what he wanted to do and drowned - just an example.

Answer 1

(Its not easy, and it takes a lot of patience, but it is definitely worth it for you and for your child):
Most importantly, don't lose your temper. Don't use an angry tone of voice. Do lots of deep breathing and make sure you do not lose your cool. If you lose control of yourself, your child will be stressed by you, and will not want to listen to you.
The next time you ask your child to do something, commit to the task. Do not give up. Be gentle, and make sure you are not in a rush when you do it, because it takes time. If he says "no", just continue saying "it's time to ... clean up/ sit down for dinner etc." Focus on it and explain to him that it's just one of those things that needs to be done. If he asks why, explain why it is important. If you commit to persuading your child to WILLINGLY do what you ask, by remaining both positive and gentle, he will listen. When he does what you ask the first time, he will probably feel really good about it, because when you take charge in a positive way, he feels more secure. ALso very important: You cannot just do this once or twice, and then let it slip. You have to approach it this way EVERY time. BEFORE you ask him to do something, know why it is important, and COMMIT yourself to the task. It will get easier and easier as long as you make sure not to let things slip.

Answer 2

When adults continue to harp and harp at a child ,
It is like they are listening to a foreign language.
Children can't follow all that adult blah, blah , blah.
You just make your self sound like traffic noise to the kid.
If he needed to get out the the ocean at 4.5 , his parent better go get him , thinking he will do it is parental irresponsibility and neglect.
Stop bargaining , you are a parent not a flea market shopper. Walking away is meaningless to them , they are doing what they want and you were just traffic noise , so walking away let them play in peace.

When you do ask him to do something , do not talk nonstop . . .
Make it a slow , simple instruction in a firm voice.

Follow up again in 5 minutes and If it was not done > > >
lead him by the hand the 2nd time , with slow specific , firm instructions.
Toddlers ( & really all kids) take a long time to learn ,
So you must be
Repetitive
Consistant
Clear and Simple
And follow through with taking away the favorite things if there is a refusal to cooperate , mark on a calendar the items removal and do not release it until the specified time is completed.

You are dealing with a toddler , not a 25 yr old.

Answer 3

Give him two options--make the option you want him to do sound really appealing and the other option seem boring. If it's an issue of safety then don't give him an option-just take his hand and bring him where he needs to go. I would sit him down (when you are both calm) and explain the new house rules to him. Make up some sort of system where something happens if he doesn't listen--you both work together to choose appropriate punishments. You could even make a punishment list that you keep on the fridge or something that you can both reference when he's been naughty. Give him the choice of which punishment for not listening. If he has a say in the punishments, they will mean more to him. You could let him choose his own punishment for not listening and if he doesn't do it in a timely manner, then you'll pick it for him. Make sure that your routine with him is consistent--if his routine is set, then he will always know what is happening next and that he's going to need to transition. Make sure you give him plenty of advance notice that he's going to need to change activities. Even set a timer if you need to. This may help things. Good luck!

Answer 4

One of the best bits of advice I can give you is this "Say what you mean and mean what you say" Don't threaten him with a punishment unless you are willing to follow through on it. You always want your child to believe you when you say you love him so you'd better make sure he believes you when you set limits. If you tell him to do something and he doesn't respond to you invade his space, get down on his level and make sure he understands that you expect it done right away. Touch his arm and look directly into his eyes, tell him in a very matter of fact manner. If he doesn't listen at first pick a punishment like 4 minutes in a chair (4 min. because he is 4) THe punishment should always be the same and should always be served immediately. Children need limits and they need continuity, don't back down. THe first time you back down you will make doing it again at least twice as hard. He will figure that if he was able to manipulate you before he can do it again.
I am a parent of 5 grown children and 6 grandchildren. Our 5 children became great adults who are now my husbands and my friends. This was able to happen because we were their parents when they were younger. You don't want to be a friend to your child when they are young, they have enough friends but only 2 parents.
Being a parent is a huge responsibility but it is the most rewarding job in the world. To have your children grow up happy, doing what they want and being contributing members of society is the absolute best.

Answer 5

You have to take the things he values MOST and use them as your bargaining chip. My son loves DVDs, so when he is acting out and being unreasonable, I tell him he wont get to watch DVDs for x amount of time and I ALWAYS follow through! Sometimes, I hide them, so he doesn't convince someone else to put them on if I am not around.
If he wont eat, I tell him no treats for 2 days, and I always stick to it. He knows if I make a threat, the consequence will happen!
Another thing I do to encourage positive behavior is I printed a sticker chart off the computer. I decorated it and hung it up so he can see it everyday, when he does a good job with certain things, he gets a daily star. At the end of a certain period, he gets the one thing he REALLY wants. I always remind him that if he wants a star, he has to do a good job with certain things.

Answer 6

i would suggest afirst give your self a break and then strict stance with you self stop bargining stop given chances stop given in and do what you say you are going to if you say im leaving if you act a certian way leave. at this age he is all (pyschologyterms) "Id-" he has a "super ego" that like the (little inteligent tyrant) he will become wants all of everything now no matter what i mean and its not your fault or his it is becuase will he is 4 but you can help him not by spanking only but by disacpline and those are 2 very differnet things which can become usless if over used under used or abused. - peroid- i would start by shaking up his world and let him have a trantum and say when you are ready to talk i will be in the other room go to a room that has a door and close it.(while at home) give him the oppurtunity to gather him self he is a dealing with a boat load emotions and it might be hard for him but give him simple choices like telling you what he needs etc. i would advise a book that changed my guys bbf life with his 3 year old. it implore parents to be well parents and not to feel guilty when you make the right decision when everything else say buy him that happy meal we paln on using it with our child - and have adapted it to us hoping for the best

Answer 7

my boys were never really big on the listening thing either and werent big on punishments. I did a number of things and they actually worked.
I started off with taking away electronics. My boys are big on the video games and such I got to the point where none of the TVs were plugged in. Things clicked then. In order to get things back, they needed to follow directions. When they did they got a sticker and five stickers meant they got one thing back for one hour. When they got 10 stickers they got to choose which idem they wanted back.
I also started ingoring them when they'd tell me they needed me. "Mommy i can't reach the so and so." or "Can you help me do this?" I'd just walk away. They'd eventually get upset and I'd say "See? Do you like it when I don't listen to you? See how Mommy feels? Are we going to start listening now?"
There were times when we'd go to a public place and they'd keep walking away from me. I scared my oldest one into staying close by explaining kidnapping to him. I remember telling him another time that it was time to go somewhere and he refused to get his shoes on and get into the car. I got ready, set the house alarm and started the car. He saw me get into the car through the window and ran to the door. The alarm started beeping and he got upset. I came inside and explained to him why i did what i did. Since then if i say it's time to go, he's the first one ready.
With whatever advice you decide to take,
make sure youre constant with it. Be strong. You're the mother. He's the child.
Good Luck!

Answer 8

I also have this issue with my son... and first we had to explain to him the concepts of 'listening' and 'minding' and exactly what those mean. Then, we asked him which discipline should he receive for not listening (he chose toys taken away) and not minding (he chose wall-sitting). And every time we have to discipline him, we remind him that this is the discipline he chose to have when he broke the rules.

When you say it's time to go and he ignores you, just tell him 'goodbye' and walk away. If you're at home, walk outside the door, making sure you close it behind you. If you're at a store, start walking slowly away from him, with your back turned and not saying a word. Turn a corner if you have to, then stop. When he figures out that you mean business, this is also a great technique for getting him to stay with you and not run off in public. There's no shame in taking advantage of your child's fear of abandonment to keep him in line, lol.

Answer 9

well--you have to set limits--Tell him you will do something or take something away and then do that--it is tempting to give kids 2nd and 3rd and 4th chances--but then you just hear your voice saying--if you don't do so-and -so I'll do this--over and over and you never actually DO what you SAY--and your kid figures this out--so no--you don't have to be abusive or mean, etc--but you can say--okay--mommy is tired--I am now leaving the area--goodbye--and then leave the room (first do this in a safe place--like at home--from one room to the other)..and you will be surprised--your child will follow you after awhile...You have to act on what you say--and you can do this calmly. Also stop bargaining all th time--sometimes it's okay--but set limits on that too--you can have some issues/situations where he needs to know--this is mommy's bottom line...no arguments--Good Luck:)

Answer 10

At this age it is kind of difficult but you know i just say don't ask him to do what you want you tell him he is going to do it or you make him.Don't hurt him obviously but go over to him and show him where he is to go and what he is to do.Try a points board with set rules that he has to follow in order to receive a toy or the next movie or dinner choice or whatever.Make learning to listen fun for him and something that he can actually gain out of showing he is a good boy and in return he will get special things for showing good behaviour.