What would you do if the first anniversary of your spouse's death was approaching fast?

Question

Last year on the 24th day of March the life of my wife ebbed away in my arms so to speak. I have read myriad books on the subject of grief, death, mourning and the like. Please do not suggest counselling because I could not benefit from it because they would tell me the things that I already know or have read. I have become lost in this world of grief. Now for some particulars; she was my first wife. I waited until I was almost fourty years old until I got married.Every day I feel like taking a shotgun and propping iot under my chin and emptying both barrels. Fear not because during my reading I had also read books on suicide and Have decided not to "end it all". I do make visits to the cemetary where she rests. That seems to make me feel worse but I can deal with that on account of who else is going to take care of her place?

Answer 1

There are no words of advice, no books, no counseling that can make the pain in your heart go away. No one has the magic words that can bring you relief. In the case of losing a dear loved one, time does not heal the wound. Time allows you to come to terms with the loss and eventually accept it. Sometimes it takes a long time. It will always hurt...the intensity just lessens a little bit at a time. A year of grieving is a short amount of time compared to the lifetime you anticipated having with your wife. Please be patient with yourself. I have been lost in the world of grief too, and though I don't know how you feel, I do know how all consuming grief can be. It seems that it will never end and that there aren't enough tears to cry. To answer your question: "What would you do if the first anniversary of your spouse's death was approaching fast?" I would prepare for the worst and hope for the best. What I mean is that anniversaries, holidays, etc. are a rough grief time. Some people make it through the anniversary okay because the anticipation of it was worse than the actual day itself, other people are a total mess. On the anniversary date, some people like to be busy and around others, some people like to be alone. However you handle it is how you handle it. There isn't a prescribed way. There isn't a way that's preferrable. I don't know if my response is of any help to you whatsoever. I will pray for you that you will find comfort and peace in this difficult time.

Answer 2

I am sorry for your loss, losing a loved one is never easy. Take my word that the pain doesn't lessen or get easier to deal with. I lost my mother 5 years ago out of the blue. The first year anniversary was one of the worst. I dreaded the day approaching and was determined to just hide in my house and block out the rest of the world however, about a week before it dawned on me, my mom wouldn't of wanted me to do that. So, what I did was things she would of liked to do, and I suggest you do the same. It may be difficult but is would be a good way to remember her. Don't spend the time remembering her death, remember her life. I am not saying forget it, it happened and you can't change it, that wouldn't help. Take some of her favorite flowers to her headstone, think about the good times you had together while there, and the times you overcame things together. Then do things she would of liked, or that you did together. If you want to memorialize her you can do that too. Every year on my mother's birthday I release balloons that have her name printed on them. If you are a religious person you can light candles or something else.

Whatever you do - don't regret the day. I don't think I would want any future husbands of mine to do that if this was the situation.

Answer 3

Wow, dude. That is really the stuff of Shakespearian tales. My condolences on the loss of what must have been a wonderful woman.

Now for your question. Instead of thinking about the anniversary of her death, why not invite some of your friends over for a celebration of her life.

Make it a dish to pass, bring your own beverage type affair.

Set up an easel where the guest walk in, and inform them that they have to bring a picture they took of your wife and put it on the easel when they arrive. Tell them it doesn't have to be a picture of both of you, and they will get the picture back.

After dinner and a few drinks, bring the easel where the guests are, point to a picture, and ask the guest what was going on when the picture was taken. In other words, why did you take the pic?

Hopefully you will learn a little more about your wife, and her life.

The death of a loved one is a terrible thing, and you will never forget her. As time goes on, it will get easier, but she will be in your heart forever. Remember the good, accept the bad, and as long as one person remembers, she made a difference.

Answer 4

Robert, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that there are people out there who will keep you in their prayers, including me.

I certainly am not qualified to tell you how to grieve and it would be presumptuous of me to even try. We all have different ways of dealing with the death of those who are special to us.

My personal belief system includes the philosophy that as long as you remember your loved ones with love, they are never really gone. I am tremendously comforted by the idea that their spirit lives on and is never far away. But that's me; if this idea helps you during this rough time, please hold on to it.

As far as visiting her burial place I will say that if it comforts you to do that go ahead. But I would remind you that the things that made her so special to you can't be found at the gravesite. Those traits and little quirks that were endearing are to be remembered in your heart.

Perhaps you and some of your friends can go to the cemetery together and help maintain her grave if you are worried about the upkeep of it. There are people who volunteer to visit graves just to keep them looking nice and cared for.

Instead of commemorating the day of her death, maybe remember her birthday or the day you met or married. Plant a tree, maybe, in honor of her. Maybe do something for someone else as a special treat to honor her memory: volunteer for a day at a shelter or nursing home. Doing something for someone else is a great way to feel better.

In the meantime, please know that you are not alone. You are surrounded by God's love.

Don't forget to laugh at least twice a day--it'll save your sanity.

Hang in there and peace be with you.

Hope this helps.

PS-Sorry if there are spelling errors--for some reason the "check spelling" thing hasn't kicked in yet! LOL

Answer 5

I'm very sorry for your loss. I always find that lighting a candle in memorial of the person helps, because the flame continues burning even when I'm out of sight -- just like your love for your wife continues even though she's out of sight just now.

Many churches have candles you can light for a small donation (usually $1 or less, depending on the size of the candle).

Blessings on you and your wife's soul.

Answer 6

I know it is really hard, my Son was married 3 short years, but Rachael was the love of his life. She and her brother w/2 friends were killed in a terrible car crash, in 2001. He had to move to another state, because the momories were killing him the most. They even over ran his 2 beautiful girls. Everytime 3/11 came he would go to the place they ere killed, and lose it 100%. Since his move, he is happier, the girls have their dad back, and he still takes the anniversary of Rachaels death as a time to reflect. And yes he hit the hard drugs, and the booz, but it did pass.
God Bless you, if you don't mind my prayers are with you.

Answer 7

Celebrate her life by remembering all of the good times.

Find an activity that you use to do together and invite friends over. Or you can go visit someone who really needs company like sick people in hospitals, volunteer at an animal shelter to make the animals happy, or work at a can food drive.

Do something GOOD and UPLIFTING to celebrate her life.

Answer 8

You say that you "would not" benefit from counseling.
If I were you, I'd at least try it. OR are you a martyr who wants everyone to feel sorry for you and your loss?
You owe it to your wife to try to come out of this depression.
Good luck.

Answer 9

Be happy celebrate, go to her grave and talk to her and say what is in your heart. Also give her some flowers like white roses.

Answer 10

I would be around special friends and a good dinner!!!!!!!!!