Please tell me something very very funny?

Question

So funny that I will have to laugh the whole week ;)

Answer 1

I had started a new job, and had only been there for about a week. Well, my style used to be worn out jeans, so I would wear them until they were about to fall apart. My style had changed, but I had hardly anything to wear one day to work but one of these old pairs of jeans.Well, at some point during the morning, without me knowing it, I had bent over and the back of my jeans had ripped. I did not notice this until I went home on my lunch break and checked myself in the mirror. There on my butt was a rip that went all the way from the top of one of the pockets almost to my crotch, and it was hanging open exposing my underwear! And to top it off, I was wearing these black panties that were see through that someone had given me on my wedding day! No one had even told me. But I guess since I was new, they were scared to embarrass me (which it would have been better if they had said something). I changed and went back to work, so embarrassed because I knew that everyone knew the reason why I had changed. About a year later, I had made friends with a guy up there, and out of the blue I remembered the incident,and I asked him if he remembered a time when I was new and my pants had ripped while at work. He started cracking up,I guess remembering himself, and said that had been the joke at work for about a week! He did apologize, and felt extremely bad about it.I still had to badmouth him for not telling me! It's funny, though now looking back on it. Oh, the horror.

Ha! I thought of another one. One time I was in the kitchen making supper, and I kept hearing my daughter (who was one 1/2) run from the hall to the living room, and back again. I thought she was just having fun, so I let her be. Well, we got a knock on the door, so one of my other kids answered it(which they are not allowed to do, but you know kids) It was our neighbor. I came into the living room, and noticed that this whole time my daughter had been into my pads (you know, the feminine kind), and had apparently thought they were stickers, because she had taken the backs off of all of them and stuck them in various areas around the living room, on the couch, on the coffee table, on herself. She had just had the time of her life. I had to apologize to my neighbor, I was so embarrassed, but he was just laughing about it.

Life is funny. I think I would be boring if I didn't embarass myself so much.

Answer 2

My friend was in front of all of these people, and my other friend, Chloe, got a puppy, a cockapoo. Well my friend Jcelyn was thinking about the different breeds of dogs, and she said, it looks more c o c k than poo! Everyone was either disgusted or cracking up laughing, because theree were grandparents and parents in the room who don't tolerate this kind of talking,. It was so funny!
Another time, my teacher had to go to the bathroom really bad, and he was running around the school trying to get the janitor so he could have the keys to unlock the door. He came back ten minutes later, and unlocked the door, but the door was stuck, taking im an extra ten minutes to get the door open. He was about to go in, when, he realized, the keys were stuck in the whole, for , you guessed it, another 10 minutes. So me and my friend are watching this from our study in the cafeteria, and we were cracking up laughing. So to make things worse, he threw the keys to the janitor lady who had them, and hit her right in the nose, almost knocking her over! He finally went to the bathroom and came out, and went back to lunch. During class, at the end of the day, the most ironic thing happened. We came into class, and today of all days was the day for him to spill bright yellow mustard all over his pants! This is a true story! They were stained and it looked just like he had peed himslf! We were laughing so hard that we have been banned from using the bathroom during his class for the rest of the year! It was so worth it though! He still weres those same, stained pants to school now and again, because as he says, they are only for bloody work!

Answer 3

Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of
creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are
some of the officers' favorites. (By the way, none of them
worked!)

* A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital
because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's
the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard.
The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a
advanced state of decomposition.

* A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding
the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he
was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brush-
ing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a
cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park,"
he explained.

* A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a
baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have
to get home right now."

* An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the
driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man
responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

* A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington
Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to
clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good
measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go
at all."

* "I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late
they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

* When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the
Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded,
"Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

* One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home.
Don't ask."

* An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When
told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is
there a senior citizen's discount?"

Answer 4

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it f*cking look like it?"

Answer 5

disclaimer:everything after the f is false...f. one day i was chillin in my room on my bed ,when a girl came in and said let me give you head,so iwas just smokin so i cleared the fog ,i looked down and attached to me was a dog.well it wasnt really a dog justa ugly girl so i ran all the same.when i came back home the dog was gone and my mom informed me of something very sad i let her watch my pets right.she told me my turtle ran away,my fish drowned,my dog barked up the wrong tree,she kicked my beaver out for swearing he kept building dams,and my pet rock died too much drugs he was always stoned

Answer 6

did you hear about the oriental couple that had the black baby?




they named him "Sum Ting Wong"

Answer 7

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avocado!
Avocado who?
Avocado a cold!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Axel!
Axel who?
Axeldental Tourist!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Atch!
Atch who?
I'm sorry I didn't know you had a cold!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Athena!
Athena who?
Athena flying saucer!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Argo!
Argo who?
Argo down the shops!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amsterdam!
Amsterdam who?
Amsterdam tired of all these Knock Knock jokes!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amos!
Amos who?
Amosquito just bit me!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amy!
Amy who?
Amy fraid I've forgotten!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Annetta!
Annetta who?
Annetta wisecrack and you're out of here!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Annie!
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anthem!
Anthem who?
You Anthem devil you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Almond!
Almond who?
Almond the side of the law!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Andrew!
Andrew who?
Andrew a picture!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Andy!
Andy who?
Andy mosquito bit me again!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Astor!
Astor who?
Astor the ball is over!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna one, anna two...!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna going to tell you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anne Boleyn!
Anne Boleyn who?
Anne Boleyn alley!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amin!
Amin who?
Amin thing to do!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ammonia!
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid!