did i mess up??

Question

me and my boyfreind got engaged recently.we talk and everything is just brilliant but thing is his mum hasnt been part of his life since he was young but along the way she has been involved here and there but not as much as she should.thing is it eats him up coz thez no proper bond btwn them after emailing her about twice pouring his heart out he dint get any response from her but tlaked on the phione afterwards but she dint bring the subject up and that was the last they spoke and havent exchange a word since then.i know how much this means to him but he got so hurt thinking she dint care but i begged to differ since its not an easy thing to do and they havent talked much since then i just thot maybe she just coulndt find the right time n words to reply back etc etc. he is givin up on her but thot he shud try just one last tym n see how it goes but he got mad at me then i emailed the mum myself as him and just said it the way he alwyas does just like when he emailed her too.dint want

dint want him to know it but felt bad i did this behind his back so i told him but dint take it too well coz he thinks he is begging for her love and its not amnly thing to do etc etc he really got upset but i knew i had to do it coz it was killing him inside but things just turned out the wrong way was it right of me to get involved? if it were you what would you have done

Answer 1

Yes and no.....yes you thought you were doing the right thing as your boyfriend proposed and you want his mum to know and be happy for you both.And no interfering and sending an email behind his back and making out it was him was not a good idea.The relationship between them will not get any better or change in anyway as your boyfriend has already been honest with her and it has not changed their relationship in the slightest so beg forgiveness and try not to intervene even though you were just trying to help...........good luck.

Answer 2

You did do a wrong thing by pretending to be him. He got mad at you because when he saw you stepping in to 'be him', he realized that the 'him' he was looked pretty pathetic. In that sense, you showed him something about himself that he needed to see. That doesn't mean that he is going to thank you for it. What he really needs to do is see that - now that he recognizes that this is a really serious problem for him, and it has involved you - he has a need to get some personal counseling. He will have to live with some disappointment; he will come to realize that he can't force change in his mother. This is a realization he has been fighting. Counseling is hard to get started in because it does cost money. But it will be the best thing he ever spends money on!

Answer 3

Hi love,you haven't messed up in my view,to me your showing your partner how much you care about him.In all true loving relationships your partners pain is your pain too and you wanted to make it all better for him.You don't say if she replied to the email but if i were in your position and saw the emotional yearning for his moms love i would have done the same.Women on the whole are able to express emotions a lot better than men can and so i suppose by putting it all down into words maybe hes only expressed or only you have understood was a gut reaction just because of how much you love him.You know that it would only carry on eating him up inside and felt desperate to find out her true feelings towards him.In this life we sometimes have to take chances,i hope your partner sees this for what it is,that's you trying to make things right for him.I hope he doesn't stay mad for long and understands your motives.I may have got this all wrong,but this is my gut reaction to your question.
Take care

Answer 4

I know your intentions were good but you shouldn't have done that.

If it didn't work the other times he emailed his mother it wasen't going to work this time.

I have a mother the same way and it took me so many years trying to figure out why she was the way she was, and why she didn't want to be more involved in my life.

One day I just stopped calling and wouldn't answer her calls (when she'd call twice a year) some people can't understand why I just took her out of my life but theres no worse pain then having your own mother not really care about you ecspecially when all you want is her approval and love.

Talk with him about it and say you'll support him in whatever he wishes but you don't want to just sit back and watch her break his heart over and over again and thats why you did what you did but you were wrong and you apologize. but you also need to tell him he needs to for once try one last time and tell her listen you get this last chance to be in my life and if she chooses not to he needs to let her go.

It's a tough situation hope this helps

Answer 5

Coming from a similar situation this is not wat you want to hear but my mother and i don't have a relationship and after 12 years of continuing to try and try my husband who has stood by for 5 of those years watching this eat me up inside finally helped me to the conclusion that i dont need her or her approval or anything from her for that matter. This is his life and if she doesn't want to be a part of it then that is her problem she will miss out on everything. If this is how she is i hate to say it but if the two of you have children i wouldn't expect to be giving any gramma of the year awards

Answer 6

You messed up, i'm sure he is a big boy, he can take care of it himself, and you just don't get involved into someone's business, no matter how close you are to them, especially since it is such a hard subject for him. Surely there is much more to the story (on both sides) than you know.

Answer 7

I know you love ur husband but somethings you cant help even when you want to and it will kust make i worst. Even thought you cant change his mothers mind. You can show him that you guess are a family and that you love eachither and although you are trying to help just give it a rest. Your husband just wants a mother figure... MAybe your mother can help him take that place up.

Answer 8

You done what you done as you could not bare to see the man you love , being so broken hearted. I would of e.mailed her but not as him but as yourself just for her to know what it was doing to her son by giving him no response to what ever he wanted to know. Maybe she cant give him the answers to his questions as they are to hurtful for her to tell him, maybe she as blocked them out of her memory and he has opened old wounds and she cant speak about them as they are to hurtful for her, it does work 2ways. what if his father abused her and he wants to know really personal things, or maybe she was raped and passed the man he thought was his dad really was not, if he has poured his heart out over certain matters , she has spoken to him since and cant bring herself to bring the problem up again , she really wants to not want to remember it and by not saying , in her way could be saving your man a lot more hurt. As she is so secretive it has to be a really bad experience that she wants to leave in the past. You cant go pushing her for questions , you may push her away completely, you have just got to be supportive to your man and respect the mothers wishes, if and it is an if she wants to talk she will in her own time . Maybe she never will, but dont give up hope , keep in contact without pushing her tell your man this and tell him to get to know the woman who is his mother for a long time 1stly , eventually she may think she can open up about what is so bad that she is keeping so secretive. But dont push and push , you will get no where!

Answer 9

you shouldnt have pretended to be her son sending the mail but if i was in your shoes maybe you could have met her and told her how it was how she is making her son feel?? maybe you could have told her not to say that you had spoken to her i no its wrong to lie,, maybe he is better off without her if she upsets him all the time she should be the one trying to make amends with her son for not being there for him.. there is nothing and no one that would ever stop me from seeing ma son id jump through fire or what ever to make sure ma son was always part of ma life

Answer 10

I don't think it was a good idea for you to e-mail his mother about that--he should be doing that himself, and if she won't respond to him, she certainly won't respond to you. The most you ought to do is encourage him to contact her, and if he's not ready to do that right now, wait a few months or years and ask him to try again.