What else could she want? (long question)?

Question

I'm having trouble understanding what it is that I can't give my fiancee. We have had our share of problems like any couple, with exception of the last 2 months which have been great (like when we first started dating, but with the positive of being in an already matured relationship). We've even been looking for houses together and talking about wedding plans, mutually. I went to her house the other day and we were having a good time (I thought), but when I kissed her goodbye, she seemed preoccupied in thought so I asked her what was on her mind. She told me that she thinks that we should go back to being friends. She feels that she might be missing something by being with me. She says that she's been noticing other guys and just wondering 'what if' thoughts. I'm not the jealous type. I told her I've had those thoughts too. That's natural with something as big and dramatic as marriage. But I told her to also ask herself if she leaves, she might have the what if's about staying...

...and regret that even more. I told her that it would be a shame to end a solid, loving relationship over a curiosity. It would be different had we never been with anyone else, but we have. My previous relationships were short because they simply weren't what I was looking for. Hers were long term with guys that told her she wasn't worth it and pretty much walked all over her. I've always treated her as an equal and supported her with everything (she's my angel). Her friends, family, and she herself have all told me that I'm the best guy she's ever been with. She has goals of having a career, house, and eventually a family, and I've been with her all the way working towards that. We both love each other without question, yet she feels that she’s missing something. She has all of my heart and I would give her the world if I could. She gives me inspiration and purpose along with her love. I just don’t know what else she could want.

Why is it that a girl can be so completely in love with a guy and then not be happy because she thinks the guy won't ever propose? Then awhile after saying yes to his proposal, she feels unhappy again with the thought that she might be missing out on other guys even though her previous relationships were cheaters and jerks and her now fiance treats her the way she's always wished to be treated and better. She makes excuses like disliking how he clips his nails or that she's bored despite all the fun and laughs we have at like movies, dinner, bike rides, walks, camping, etc. She tells me that she loves me more than anything, I'm her best friend, and the best thing in her life and yet she wants to end it and be friends. It's like the person who hits the jackpot and puts it all back, plus some, in the machine trying to hit it again. Why can't people just take what they've won and be happy? Sure we are all curious, it's nature. But why give up on a happy life with a loving family for that?

This whole ordeal is starting to make me question the importance of marriage beyond a tax break. I was always under the impression that when you propose, that means you're beyond the simplicities of bf/gf. You don't agree to marriage, start planning a wedding, look for a house, and then decide you want to be friends. It's something deeper and after reading similar questions here, I'm seeing that it's very common among women. It's not another guy, I know that; she's a nursing student and way too busy for that. Plus, I trust her. So why are women so afraid to be happy? Why do they skepticize and pick apart everything just so they have a reason not to be happy? There's an old proverb, "You can never have love if you can't surrender to it." As for my girl, her biggest fear is becoming her mom; living in an apartment, in/out bf's, 5 cats (yes, 5), and a dead-beat ex-husband/father because she wanted to see what else was out there and got him.

Women: if you have a man whom you're attracted to, makes you laugh, pushes you to work hard for your life, encourages you in everything you do, loves you unconditionally, has intelligent conversations with you, cooks, cleans, and works hard, then WHAT ELSE could you possibly want? Women are always complaining about how all these guys are jerks, or lazy, or they cheat. Yet when they find a good one, they push him away because they think it's TOO good and they don't deserve him. If you are given a million dollars no strings attached, do you think you deserve it? But do you say "No, I don't want it, it's too good for me, take it back."? No, you keep the damn money. Don't push good guys away because I can tell you that the majority of assholes out there are that way because he was a good guy and got pushed and broken because of it.

Answer 1

This is the result of our modern 'marketing' society. We're constantly told that a 'new' 'improved' version is coming out, and that dissatisfaction is good.

This leads people to throw away perfectly good THINGS to get the new version.

However, people aren't things. She needs some help to separate shopping for stuff and building lifelong, committed relationships.

I'd say it'd be great if you two could go to counseling. Either premarital counseling or couples counseling, to sort this out.

Answer 2

Honestly, if you are the way you say about how you treat your fiance, I can't think of why she would leave you. If I were with a guy that wonderful, I'd hold onto him and treasure him as long as possible. Just because you've had unhealthy relationships in the past doesn't mean you don't deserve a good one (I can say that from experience). Perhaps she's just having doubts about herself because past relationships were never successful (that also I say from experience) and doesn't want something so great to end, because losing you as a boyfriend/fiance and keeping you as a friend would be much better than losing you altogether. It's hard to explain, but in a way I know how she feels. I really hope everything works out for the best for the two of you. Email me if you ever need to talk :)

Answer 3

Been ther done that, I was your girlfriend. It's a problem....always looking for someone who needs you more, someone to take care of.
My advice to you is .....do not force the issue, at all....she will run away faster. Let her make the decision, you have nothing to do with it sorry. If you force her, and get married, you will be sorry...she will either cheat or leave you. SHe has the problem...its not you.
And by the way...men are right about the whole "nice guy thing"......woman do not appreciate them until they have had a few relationships with the bad guys. I think some of this is the guys fault......stop acting so stable....bring a little danger to your lives.....be a little crazy....woman tend to be turned on by it.
SOme woman grow out of this, like I did, but not till I was 30.
now I could never imagine a life with anyone other than my husband.
Good luck to you....dont give up on being the "nice guy"...they do win out in the end.

Answer 4

Good guys are scary to a person who is not confident with their own self worth. It is almost like they can not trust that someone actually loves them and so they grow to distrust the relationship. I would back off a little and give the girl a chance to think. This is in NO WAY to imply that you become her fool. Set the ground rules and then live by them even when those rules are inconvenient for her emotions...make sense?

The reason that people have trouble growing up is because people seldom let them. We live in a fix it world. You absolutely do not want to fall into the "daddy" role. Like I said - set the ground rules.....mutual expectations, etc. and then stick to it! In reality, you are not going to find princess charming over the next several months anyway. Give it time but don't allow yourself to become a toy. If it drags on too long .... bon voyage!

Answer 5

I can see your dilemma, but honestly I can very easily see your girlfriend/fiancees view - not necessarily for the same reasons but I can see how you'd end up there. Its such a big thing and you just start to wonder to yourself "Is this it??" Its supposed to be such a big exciting thing, finding 'true' love and getting married and all that - we're set up to expect so much and when you meet someone who seems to fit it all at first, then it cools off and gets stable you just sit back and think Im not sure if this is all of it - because getting married means being tied down making a committment and settling for what you have. I would think that hard as it is, it must be better to learn this now than hear it the day before the wedding - you dont want to marry someone who isnt sure - because although sure she could just be getting scared, she also might be having something telling her instinctively that things arent right for her, that this isnt 'it'.

Answer 6

i think your girl wasn't reallty deeply in love with you when you guys first started out. she might be missing her ex or some other guys out there cause she already knows you and you are getting pretty boring.

i think the only thing you should do is to tell her that you won't force her to marry you but she knows how much you guys have done together and that she should do what she thinks is right.

if she walks away then leave her if she is yours she will probably come back sometime. just give her some time to think about it but just countinue showing her how much you love her.

I hope this helps. I really hopes she realises what she will be loosing. guys like you are really rare out there. Way to be a nice boyfriend. I hope this helps.

LOL, one who cares.

Answer 7

You sound like good people.

She doesn't.

Temptation will always be present in everyday life, succumbing to it, separates the weak from the strong.

To have a strong marriage, you need a wife that doesn't even acknowledge temptation because of her undying love and devotion to YOU!

She's questioning that fact, which should show you she's not ready now and may never be ready for marriage.

Answer 8

sounds like she likes the idea of having a bf but is affraid of the commentment of marriage...i recently got engaged and can't wait to get married (my wedding is coming up in august)
my fiancess best friend recently got engaed as well..they were planning a wedding when the girl broke if off saying that there was to much pressure..
i think you have to give her a choice of either setting a marriage date or moving on...

Answer 9

I find a lot of relevance to myself in this situation.

As strange as it seems, I went through troubles like this with my girlfriend only weeks ago.

I have been with her for almost a year now, and we were friends for a good while before that.

We know, though. We know that we are in love, and we know that we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. However, a few weeks ago, I got scared.

Something about my life is that, while I am still so young, my life has been completely planned out. No one has done it for me; it was my choice from the very beginning to make the plans to a better life.

Everything I want, and everything I need to do in life revolves around a series of steps. If I mess up or hesitate on the step before me, and I'll lose control, and everything I've worked for will be lost.

I'm eighteen years old...and my life is right in front of me...completely planned out. It scares the hell out of me.

Along with that, there is my girlfriend. She is the girl that I love most in this world, and no other girl could ever make me feel the way that she does. She's beautiful and funny, smart and charismatic, driven to succeed, and very honest and trustworthy. She is perfect to me, and I do want to have a family with her.

A few weeks ago, though, I got scared...for no reason at all, really.

I confessed to her that I was having "doubts." I tried telling her that I still loved her with all my heart, but I needed to take a break for a while to think about things.

Naturally, she thought that it was the end of us. She thought that there was another girl, or that there was something wrong with her...I felt so terrible for doing that to her...but I felt I had to, if only for a while.

I sat and thought about the way things could be if I wasn't with her. I started looking through old pictures, remembering how it's been with girls from the past, (although she's the only girl I've ever made love to), and what it could be like now.

I looked through my phone, saw all the familiar numbers of girls from even today who would more than likely give me a chance.

I thought about her, more and more, though, and I didn't try to fight it off.

If I thought of her, it meant that I loved her...but I wouldn't let myself go back to her just yet. I needed time, and I couldn't let the way I felt about her keep me from finding out what I needed to know.

I thought a lot about her family, and how much they care for me. I thought about mine, as well, and how they've already accepted her as a daughter-in-law, really.

Everything was so perfect...so why did I ruin it?

Because there's a world out there, full of oppurtunities and people...and I was about to give it all away...I was about to make the ultimate sacrifice of spending the rest of my life with one person at age eighteen. Was I insane?

Then I thought, more and more, that that's exactly what love is. Love is the power you posess to make that ultimate sacrifice.

When you love someone, you still think about the world without, sure, but it doesn't matter.

The feeling you think the world alone could give you cannot compare to the feelings that love itself gives you.

When you're in love, nothing else is important. Not where you live, or what you have...only that you are with the one you love.

It sounds like she's having the ultimate cold feet, just like I was having.

Knowing that your life isn't free and unpredictable anymore can really scare you. It can make you feel like something is being taken away from you, and you don't want to let it go.

The best thing you can do, in my honest opinion, is to support her, and give her time.

It sounds like you really do love her, and if you do, you should be able to give her as much time as she needs, but don't wait forever.

Love can take only so much hurt, I know, and if she decides that she has to move on, then she really wasn't meant for you.

Give her the space she needs, support her emotionaly, and see how everything turns out.

I wish there was something I could tell you to garauntee her return, but there isn't. It's her heart, her life, and her choice, and no one else can tell her what to do at this point.

Stay strong, though, man. You'll get through it with your love for her.