How can I bond with my 16year old stepdaughter?

Question

We have been living in the same household for almost 5years and we cannot get along at all. I don't know how to get past all this hostility.

Answer 1

take her shopping every girl likes shopping

Answer 2

Your situation isn't unique by any means. It's obvious that your stepdaughter has some issues, & that being, you are her stepmother. You both have to be able to call a truce. Have you ever sat down & talked to her one on one about her feelings towards you? That's a start for sure. Whenever there's a divorce that involves minor children, it can't always be smooth sailing. If her mother is still alive, remind her that you are not trying to take her place but would like to have a good relationship with her. Let her know she can trust you & if she confides in you about things in her life, don't betray her by repeating what she has shared with you. After talking to your step daughter, try spending some time with her, going shopping, cooking together, going to a hair salon, spa, etc. If all else fails, get into family counseling with her. Maybe once she opens up, things will be better all the way around. Good luck!

Answer 3

Well, you've each proven that you're still there, and that's something positive.

To build a relationship takes time. You can take the leadership in this area, but realize that it may take months or even over a year to end hostilities and move forward with her.

Start by finding areas where you two agree or are the same. For example, I even know that

you both love the same man, as father and husband;

you both are female.

Go from there. Find something good or positive about her each week, and focus on just that, regardless of whatever else happens. Also, start working on eliminating things that you say and do that may have developed into habits solely to annoy her (because 'not getting along' always has two contributors).

This could be enough to bring down the tension so that you two can simply coexist for a while. Then, after you're sure the dynamic between you two has changed measurably, you can continue these efforts plus reach out to her as as a fellow human being; she may never see herself as your daughter, and that's okay.

Answer 4

Try doing things she likes to do. Does she want to go to the mall and window shop, or is she sporty? Take her and a few friends to the movies and out for a pizza afterwards. Don't try too much at first, a few tentative well placed steps will work better than jumping in full force. Ask her out to lunch when she has a half day at school and choose a place that she'd like (instead of something more for you). Offer to let her wear a certain dress or shirt of yours that she's admired (if that's the case). Talk to her about school, the prom, boyfriends, friends. Relate stories of your high school experiences (even the not so funny ones). She'll see that you are human too. If she does something that requires discipline or is disrespectful to you, instead of yelling or punishing, sit down at the kitchen table with NO interruptions (no tv, siblings, anything) and look her in the eye and discuss what happened. If you treat her like the young adult that she is you will gain more respect and cooperation from her. Make sure that the three of you (or more if there are siblings) do a lot of family things together - picnics in the park, movies, museums, bike riding, a walk in nature, etc.) Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 5

I was a stepchild. Don't be pushy or overly nice.Be yourself.
If it's been five yrs. it may never happen for the two of you and that is sad.Just be there as her friend and don't try to be her mother please.it just doesn't work.
Is her mother anywhere on the scene? Mine ended up being a lot of the problem which I didn't figure out till later and happy that I finally did.
She is at a hard age right now being 16 and hopefully she will come to recognize you as her friend.At this stage in life her friends are more important than her family.
Does her father back you up? It may be a good time for a family chat (just the three of you) and try to clear the air. Try to gain her confidence and try to make the best of a difficult situation.It is very trying but always be pleasant and respectful to her and hopefully one day she will return this to you.
She may feel responsible for her mother not being around and doesn't want to get too close to you in fear that the same thing may happen.There are many ways to think about this.
I just wish you all the very best and hope things turn out well.Don't give up on her yet.

Answer 6

I have a 16 yr old step daughter. She does not live with us, but she comes on the weekends and at this age it is a very hard age , and I am sure that you can see this. I would takeher alone somewhere where you and her could do some shopping/eating/visiting...ALONE... and ask her what her expectations are of you and then you tell her what your expectaions are of her ...you can start there...and try to weed out problems...do not put her on the defense or otherwise she will clam up...My stepdaughter had a lot of hostility toward not just me , but toward her father and her real mom and her moms husband and it could be why your step daughter has hostility...it could be for a number of things...it could even be her school or her friends or confusions about boys...hormones ...shoot you name it~ hope this helps~

Answer 7

Well, to start out with, you might want to try talking to her on a more teenager level, rather than speaking to her as an adult. if you try to find things in common and show her that you are willing to be there to talk and want to help she might open up to you a little bit more. But 16 is a tough age to get along with any sort of teenager, especially being the step mom in the house. But if anything you should try to be completely honest with her and let her know how you feel, tell her what you're thinking. Remember, you cant expect her to open up to you right away, it will probably take time. Just dont burden her with questions on top of questions about her life, that will just shut her out even more. If anything tell her about YOUR life or things you did when you were young, and see if she can relate. Try not to get too frustrated with her if she doesnt want to talk...time heals everything.

Answer 8

Don't try so hard. Let her come to you when she is ready. My step mom tried for years to be my friend but I would not have it. Until I grew up and got married and found out that she wasn't all that bad after all. Now she is one of my best friends. I was worried that if I became friends with her it would upset my real mom. Maybe that is the problem But at 16 she isn't going to like you no matter what you do. Rent the movie Step mom with Julia Roberts. Kids will be kids just be yourself and stop worrying about if she likes you or not. Don't let her run your life though and don't' argue with her she is still a child You are the adult and she is going to have to accept that.

Answer 9

Sit down and have a heart-to-heart with her. Or be a big part of something that is special to her. My stepmom and I fought for years. She said very hurtful things to me when I was 16 that I never thought I'd get over. After her sister passed away she was more loving and I wanted to get close to her again but had reservations. But man, the week before my wedding her and my dad came to hang out and she stepped up to the plate!!!! There were many things she did, without me asking, that wouldn't have gotten done if it wasn't for her. To me, her actions spoke louder than words. To this day I will never forget all she did and we have a wonderful relationship.

Let your actions speak for you!

Answer 10

you may never bond. Or you may and it will be short lived.
My mom and step-sister bond and then in a split second, something happens and they're on the outs again.

It's hard. Just communicate, love her and accept her for who she is. Don't expect anything in return but respect. If she doesn't respect you well then you hubby needs to make sure she does.