I know there are other postings about this but my situation is a little different. my bf and i have been together for over 21/2 years. we recently moved in together and plan to get married in the future. the issue i am having is that is daughter doesnt have any respect. she has a bad attitude and yells at adults. even his family gets to the point where they wont deal with her. she continually yells at him and does not listen and she told me to shut up last night. i refuse to deal with this. i dont tolerate anyone else talking to me like that i am not going to tolerate it from her.
My bf corrects her and tells her not to say things to me that are out of line, but there is no real punishment so the behavior never changes. I dont think that he really knows what to do. he does not follow through with being firm with her and i cant take it anymore. i dont want to step on his or her mothers toes in the care of this little girl so what are my options? i feel that i am alone in this.
2007-03-13 07:33:39 · 11 answers · asked by mel2430 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
It seems that both her parents are either in denial that there is a real problem or they dont want to deal with it. i know that my bf thinks that it will pass and doesnt need dealt with. he has a problem listening to my parenting advice because i dont have any of my own and he thinks that i am too inexperienced with children to know what i am talking about. basically i needs someone to give advice about how i can handle this myself at least as far as her attitude is with me. i think that after she is under control as far as her attitude with me then i can work on the rest.
2007-03-13 07:43:51 · update #1
There are two things you can do, you do not have to tolerate her behavior, ever. If she tells you to shut up, send her to her room. She can scream, "you are ot my mother!" and she will, but you can simply say, this is a shared portion of the house, you can be here if you treat me and everyone else with respect. Then completely ignore anything she says to you or does until she shows respect. In addition, tell her dad that you feel with the blending of the family, it would be a good idea for all of you, including the girl and her mother to go talk to a family therapist and develop a plan to be a family. If the mother won't go, you, dad and the girl can. Don't launch into a complaint session about discipline when you get in there. Let the conversation take its course and then ask the therapist what he/she thinks about how to negotiate discipline in a blended family. The whole sordid mess will erupt without you at that point (trust me). Let your husband to be know that you are there for the run, wild daughter or not, but that you won't be talked to that way and you expect that he won't be talked to that way either.
Best of luck.
2007-03-13 08:00:13 · answer #1 · answered by Huggles-the-wise 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've already answered your own question. You said "There is no real punishment". This is exactly the problem with this nonsense about no corporal punishment being allowed, and if you do, it somehow harms the child mentally. Bunk!!! She needs a good solid butt whipping. If you do not present her with consequences for her actions, you just enable her to continue the bad behaviour. Talking and time outs are excellent as first offense learning tools, but when they fail there must be a next step. If done correctly and with care, corporal punishment is a valid teaching tool. A wise man once said, a whipping will not lead to a child being wrecked emotionally, it will lead to them rubbing their sore axx and saying I won't do that again. Time for him, and you if he will allow it seeing the your not her legal step mom yet, to take control and stay in control. Do not let her control the situation, you control the situation, your the adults. She isn't going to die, and she isn't going to hate you for doing your parental jobs. If she cries, let her cry....
PS: She will NOT grow out of it, it will only get worse the longer her bad actions are ignored because ignoring them enables her to continue being bad. Before you know it, she will be an insulant teen and then its too late. If he refuses to take appropriate action, I'd consider breaking the relationship, you don't deserve this burden and should not have to take it on.
2007-03-13 07:49:11 · answer #2 · answered by Sane 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well, I would suggest the best thing for you guys is to see a marriage counselor. A child will learn discipline ONLY when two parents are in union with the way to handle it. If he doesn't really think there is a problem and he won't believe you, he needs an outsider's opinion on this so he will realize what he's doing to his daughter.
2007-03-13 08:14:44 · answer #3 · answered by amyvnsn 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
there is a wonderful plan that is in several books depending on the age of the child. You can get a great sense of the plan on the web site. It is the best child book I've ever read. Since blending families is the hardest thing to do in a relationship, I suggest you iron this out before marriage. This stuff really works! Get him to read it and together -- make an action plan for her.
2007-03-13 07:42:58 · answer #4 · answered by Lisa A 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Tough situation.
Obviously you don't deserve to be treated rudely but she is not your daughter and she really needs to be disciplined by mom and dad - you've voiced your opinion to dad and he's basically telling you to butt out. You can deal with her on a one to one level but you can't really punish her, so I'd say you'd either have to deal with it on that level or move out until daughter is off on her own.
2007-03-13 08:06:35 · answer #5 · answered by chicchick 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have no option expect to decide if you want to continue being with him. You have no rights what so ever towards her, only he father and mother can decide how to handle her.
But given the situation, I would say she is very angry that her parents are no longer together, angry at her parents, even herself and you, because she knows that once you marry her dad, her parents wont ever get back together.
The one thing you can try is being her friend, talk to her, do something fun with her, like a movie or something.
2007-03-13 07:44:25 · answer #6 · answered by Linds 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
combining a family is hard work. If you love him you'll have to work with this issue. The girl seems to have issues. Maybe she feels threatened by you. Change is hard for all of us. Give it time. she may be acting out for attention. the more he gets on her because of you the more she will resent you. Maybe you need to talk to her and work with her feelings. A family counselor could be a big help. Try to put yourself in her shoes.
2007-03-13 07:44:48 · answer #7 · answered by emma s 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
obviously he doesn't know what to do with his own child. and for u, u signed up for this. not being disrespected but dealing with a child that is not yours. what u need to do is take sometime apart from him, not break up just time apart. cause he needs to raise his kid. period. and people wonder y kids act the way they do. cause their parents are running off and gettin into relationships and not raising their kids.
2007-03-13 07:49:34 · answer #8 · answered by auroa26 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
ask him to set a specific punishment for this problem and then you see to it that it is followed by both of them.
2007-03-13 07:47:31 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
i think maybe she feels like ur interfering and maybe shell feel that way for a long time all i can say is watch out its ganna be a bumpby ride and if ur willing to sit there and go trew it then good luck hunny
2007-03-13 07:41:13 · answer #10 · answered by Oo_Yes_ca 1 · 1⤊ 2⤋