Should i confront my unsuspecting biological family?

Question

I had searched for my biological grandma for 9 years. I eventually found her & spoke to her on the phone. She told me she has since had a further 8 children, none of whom are aware she ever had my mum. She said she has moved on in her life and did not wish to meet or stay in contact. it is hard to accept & i can't help feeling the rest of her family feel differently if they knew. i have the address & could go at any time but i wouldn't want to upset her, yet i also would like to see what she looks like. its hard knowing i have so many family members i don't even know! whats the best way to deal with it?

Answer 1

You have to respect her wishes. What's to "confront" anyway? What harm has she done you?

Answer 2

Kay well who cares about her.. honestly be polite and everything but you have the right to know. If anything they prolly feel guilty and just want to pretend like you never happened soo the guilt isnt triggered even more. ANyways she could also just be a cold-hearted lady, so I would do whatever I needed to do, to satisfy my curiousity. Just don't think that by meeting them they are going to want to have a relationship with you, just look at the grandma's reaction. Thats Harsh- anyways Tell them that you arnt looking for a meaningful relationship, they messed that up years ago but you just are insisting that you at least get to see what your biological mother/fater looks like and would like a small conversation, and if they want some contact remain they can, but if not, you don't care. You already have your real mom and dad, and if not there is most likely some authority figure in your life that you love and respect. In conclusion, you did fine without them, maybe they gave you up so you could have a better life or maybe just because they are plain losers. They are the only ones who know the real asnwers, and you most likely have a billion questions. SO hunt them down and overcome this obstacle!

, Anyways I hope everything works out for you..<3

Answer 3

Hi,

I really do understand how you feel, I had the same thing happen to me when I found my biological mother. All my adoptive family have died off now. There is no one left. I too thought it would be a happy ending but it isn't always like that.

You need to accept your gran's decision, as hard as it may be. She has to live with it too. It may be her dirty little secret but now that you have found her and this is the case then she has learnt that some things come back to haunt you. She will not forget this in a hurry.

You also have to consider the other people that this may have an effect on and not necessarily be a good outcome for anyone.

Sometimes we simply have to sacrifice our own feelings and desires for the benefit of others. It hurts and is not the way anyone should have to feel. But just sometimes it is the way it has to be.

The final decision is yours of course, but you need to give this a great deal of thought. Be mindful that you may end up hurting the innocent as well as the guilty to simply satisfy your curiosity.

I made the sacrifice and it was not nice for me but I got on with my life and quietly smile to myself when I know my mother does not have the joy of her grandchildren, she was not there to see me graduate from university and share in the many other joyous moments I have had.

It also saves me a fortune at Christmas and on Birthdays and especially mother's day!!!

Answer 4

I would call her back. Explain to her that your whole life you have wanted to know your roots. Ask her to meet for a coffee in a neutral place so you can get an answer to all those questions you have had your whole life.
Remind her that it is not fair to deny you the wish of meeting your maternal grandmother.
You too might come to the conclusion that life has moved on. And you might be able to move on yourself by tying up loose ends over a cup of coffee.
And, if she has no respect or understanding for you wanting to know your roots, remind her that you have no obligation to respect or understand the fact that her life has moved on either.
Be lucky 'n' take care x

Answer 5

I wouldn't contact your grandma again, it's plain that she doesn't want anything to do with you but you have a right to meet your real family so I would write a letter to the rest of them and explain that you don't want to make any waves but you just want to find out where you come from. Then let them decide and if they don't want anything to do with you look at it as their loss

Answer 6

Oh Sweety please be very careful with however you handle this. I know from experience. The man that fathered me was a dead beat. I grieved my whole life for him and it ripped my heart out of him. Then finally i realized i was in the someplace as i was when he left and he knew where to find me. I was finally at peace with myself. By the way my mother was a wonder mom working 2 jobs most of the time to raise and my grandparents helped to raised me .Couldn't get any better than that.

Answer 7

This is areally tough situation, but if she does not want to see you you should respect this. She doesn't want her other children to know she once put a child up for adoption, and your presence will obviously put paid to that. I think you should seek some counselling to help you through this awful situation.

Answer 8

Try and make your feelings known to your G/Mother. Maybe if you can explain she will understand your need. The rest of the family........... well that is really their problem. You cannot speak for them. Good Luck.

Answer 9

That's a really tough situation. I don't think surprising her is a good idea, you could put her and her family in a really tough position. Imagine how betrayed her family might feel if she never told them about you.

Answer 10

She gave you up for adoption because she thought that was best for you at the time. She had to get over giving you up a long time ago and doesn't want to reopen that wound. I would respect her decision and realize that she did what was best for you.

Answer 11

Please draw a line under it - you have to accept this decission. She may probably will - be very worried about this situation and the spin off it could take. Let her be at ease knowing that you have accepted her decission and continue on with your own life that you have been given the opportunity to have. Please do not open doors that wish to remainclosed.