For parents only: What would you do if you found out this problem about your daughters? Would you get upset?

Question

The parents has 2 daughters, 14 & 11. The 14 year old hasn’t talked to the 11 yr old for 6 mnths because her parents don’t allow her date, go to the movies or friends house, & are very strict. She told the 11 yr old to tell her parents to give her the freedom & not worry about her because when she was 11, she wasn’t allowed to do many things the 11 yr old can now because the second child always has more freedom than the first. The 11 yr old refuse to tell her parents to give her the freedom. She feels it is unfair because her younger sister has freedom because of her & she can’t get freedom because of her sister. She say her little sister use her for freedom & is selfish & will not talk to her sister until she do what she says. The parents know the 14 yr old hasn’t talked to her sister, but don’t know why. They are worried & want to help but can’t.

Answer 1

The 14 year old needs to grow up. If she showed more maturity, she might be allowed more freedom. Not speaking to a sister for six months is not mature, but is mean-spirited and selfish.

Answer 2

Lets not blow this out of proportion. Sibling rivalry, nothing more. My kids are 4 yrs apart and the older always has more priveledges simply because he is older. The younger hates it and has to deal with the "you can have those priveledges when you are older" and I'm not changing that policy.
See, it really doesn't matter who whines the loudest. Its about what's fair. And what's fair is if the older child had to wait until they were 10 to stay up later, there is no way the younger is going to get to stay up until they are 10. The key is parents who control the situation, not the kids.
Besides, a 14 year old and an 11 year old are not going to get along anyway...we are talking about one in elementary school and the other in high school, 2 TOTALLY different worlds.
AND anyone who has more than one kid will KNOW that the second child is ALWAYS going to get things earlier simply because the older one paved the way for them. Parents typically make concessions to the younger for no other reason than it's easier to say ok once you've already been through it.
People who have one or no children or are an only child will have no idea what I'm talking about.

Answer 3

Oh, lord, this 14 year old is having a hissy fit. Why? B/c she's a teenager. That's what they do. They think they know everything and they think that they should get everything they want. It may not seem fair, but you know what? LIFE isn't fair.

I have 3 kids, and the reason it may seem like the younger ones have it better is b/c parents don't know what they are doing with the first child. The second is a little easier b/c you know what to expect and know what mystakes NOT to make again that maybe they made with the first baby. You know?

This whole question seems childish, and so does this 14 year old. I tell her to grow up. It's not up to her younger sister to let her do more things, if she should be mad at anyone, it's her parents, not her sister. this 14 year old is just being childish and selfish.

Answer 4

If the 14 year old gets away with this, she'll have learned a lesson in passive aggressive manipulation and emotional punishment that she will use, maybe for the rest of her life, but it is very destructive behavior. In the mean time, the younger sis is being mentally damaged, since at that age, your family is a big part of your world.

The parents need to do three things:

1. Get everybody to come clean about this. Apparently you and the big sis both know what is going on. The younger sister needs to know that she's not doing something wrong. Put yourself in her shoes a moment. This has got to be miserable for her.

2. They need to assess and update their sense of what constitutes a reasonable level of freedom for their children and what is appropriate for their respective ages. For an 11 year old, it wouldn't be as much, but likewise, they need to give the 14 year old a little room to breath sometimes or she will resent them. If she resents them, they lose her respect, and if they lose her respect, they lose the influence needed to discipline and control her behavior during the really challenging later high school years. It sounds like this may already be happening.

3. They need to straighten up the older daughter. Not in an angry punishing way, but they need to lay down the guilt nice and thick. A good start might be to give her a dose of her own medicine and not talk to her for a week, unless it's necessary household business, then write a brief note.
They need to talk to her about how she's making the younger sister feel and the damage she is doing to her long term friendship with her sister. They need to remind her that when they die, her sister will be the only family she has, but by then, her younger sister may not be interested in talking to her. Her younger sis will be heartbroken, but she will recover and make close friends that will replace the older sister in her heart. The older sister will be left with no one that really cares if she lives or dies except for maybe a bunch of cats or maybe some fish.

Maybe that sounds dramatic, but hey, young girls are dramatic. You have to go there with them so that they can relate. If somebody tells the older sister that last paragraph, and she'll be making her sister's bed and fixing her cokes with fresh ice and a straw tomorrow.

Good luck,
Kevin

Answer 5

This is really an odd situation. The parents MIGHT need to ease up a bit, but the 14 yo sounds really controlling and as such might not be ready for any freedom. THe 11 yo needs to tell the parents what the problem is. To not speak to a sibling for SIX MONTHS is an extreme example of controlling behavior.

Answer 6

Well--the 14 year old is acting like a bully and should be made to see her childishness--her parents should take away her privileges adn should tell her--see you are not even acting like a decent older sister--adn you want more freedoms? No way--until you start acting more mature--you will lose even more freedoms--adn then take away her privileges--she is acting like a buly adn trying to intimidate everyone in the household--soon she will be a super brat--her behavior is unacceptable adn her parents should let her know that...and the younger sister should be openly supported and told not to worry about her bullying older sister..the older girl does not seem like she deserves any new privileges at all...she is very immature..

Answer 7

THE 14 YR OLD IS BEING A BRAT. IF IT'S SO IMPORTANT THAT SHE'S GONE 6 MTHS WITHOUT TALKING TO HER SISTER OVER THIS, BUT SHE WON'T TALK TO HER PARENTS, SHE'S MORE CHILDISH THAN HER LITTLE SISTER AND DOESN'T DESERVE TO GO OUT. 14 IS TOO YOUNG TO DATE, ANYWAYS, AND EVEN THOUGH I THINK SHE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO GO TO HER FRIENDS OR A MOVIE, IT'S HER PARENTS DECISION, AND SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. IT'S NOT THE 11 YEAR OLDS PLACE TO TALK TO THEIR PARENTS. IF THE 14 YR OLD WANTS TO BE TRUSTED AND TREATED DIFFERENTLY, SHE NEEDS TO GROW UP AND QUIT ACTING LIKE A 5 YR OLD.

Answer 8

The parents need to take time out with the daughter to multi-age places, where they have more of an unavoidable interaction. I think that as a family they don't do many activities which always the daughter not to have to communicate with one another. If you know this information and are withholding it from the parents you are just making it worse, even if the parents go about it wrong it still need to be addressed.

Answer 9

The 14 year old sounds like she has some mental problems that the parents need to do something about. I wouldn't allow my 14 year old to date either, my kids will not date until they are 16,whether they like it or not.

Answer 10

I don't know why a 14 year old wouldn't be allowed to go to friends houses or Movies...the parents might consider letting her do that.....

Dating, I think she's still too young....We weren't allowed to date until 16 (unchaperoned) and I will probably will have the same rule with my kids (boy or girl)