How do I regain my control as parent with my 5 year old daughter?

Question

I am a single mom (within the last year) raising a 5 year old daughter who has always had a very strong personality. She's always been the bossy leader type. I have always and still do insist that she use her manners and remind her if she does not. I don't know how or when, but some how my daughter has gain control. Mostly in public places and when around others is usually when she will not listen and seems to be completely oblivious to anything I say. It can be very embrassing and frusterating for me at times. I need suggestions. Any recommendations on really good effective books I could read?

Answer 1

The key here is to have your daughter aware of the rules and consequences before you go into these situations. If she knows her behaviour will be punished afterwards at home etc and away from visitors then she is more likely to behave during these times. Stress can have this effect on children especially the type that are natural leaders. She may have felt at some point through your break up that she needed to take care of you and became the parent for a while. Understandably as you will have been having a rough time and your daughter loves you. Try speaking to her calmly at first but with undeniable seriousness that you will not tolerate behaviour like this in public and warn her of her punishment. Stick to your guns or she will become confused. Taking away favourite toys or activities usually work best. Of course praise works wonders and works better than punishment as children love to please adults. When she does do well or has really tried hard then go mad with compliments and have a treat. Adapt a no nonsense attitude and your daughter will soon realise that you are the boss, it will be difficult at first and you may feel like giving in, your little one may even become worse for a while but grin and bear it and dont give up. Dont let her see you angry as this shows that she still has control, be calm but firm. Good luck x
P.s Micheal im afraid your wrong, she is only 5!

Answer 2

About a year ago, after a very minor illness that just didn't go away for 6 weeks, I realised I'd lost some of the control I needed to have with my kids (then 2 and 4). It certainly was frustrating, and it's always harder to pull it back after it's gone downhill too far.

I didn't do it very systematically, but I started to tell them calmly that I was the Mummy and I was responsible for their behaviour--and that I would have good boys even if it meant taking them straight home or whatever. If they yelled at me I said that it was wrong of them to yell because I was doing my job as their Mummy, and then afterwards, when they had calmed down, I would talk them through what they should have done and should do next time I spoke to them. Of course it took a few incidents, eg. when they were fighting and I quietly came in, took away the toys they were fighting over and put them out of reach. That was a shock, but after they'd finished yowling at me, I calmly said that it was the right thing for a Mummy to do, to take away something that was being fought over, and that I wanted to do a good job so that they would have happy lives... You need to act very sure and confident of the rightness of what you are doing, and especially if she's quite clever, emphasise the reasons for it all. Obviously you can't reason with a child in a tantrum, but then just do what you have to do--remove her, a toy, or whatever--without talking until she is ready to listen.

All of the books on child discipline will say how important it is for you to stay calm. I don't always, but if you win most of the battles and the children know that your purpose in winning is to be a good parent to them, and that you love them, then you should be OK.

As for specific problems like not listening to instructions from you, you could try writing a "target" for her, with some sort of incentive or reward for when you notice she's doing what you want. Even if she can't read it by herself yet, she'll be more aware of it if she knows it's physically there.

Answer 3

You ARE the parent. But she has become very good at manipulating you. I think you will be most successful if you get help from a counselor who specializes in children. One of the teachers I worked with in the mental health field did something very effective with her own children. She told them that if they did not behave in public, she would take them home, immediately. She had to do that once with each child, but never again. You have to do it right away, and not make exceptions, but it works.
Take a look at the work by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach at Wikipedia.org/wiki/Shalom_in_the_Home. He is excellent at turning around children with challenges like this. He has at least one book you could buy, too.

Answer 4

You are her parent and it's up to you to control her behavior.
When she doesn't listen, get her attention and tell her to behave or a favorite toy or something will be removed from her or she will have to do some chores, etc.. and follow through.
If she is misbehaving in public, remove her from the situation, make her understand that what she is doing is unacceptable, then take her home. If it continues, hire a babysitter to watch her, while you go about your business.

Answer 5

Most of the toddlers behave in this manner, Simply to attract attentation. If you can ignore her at that particular time. And stop taking her out, without even telling her that she is punished. And she approaches you. that she wnts to be taken out as usual. You can explain her, that many times she puts you in an embarasing situation. So, you cannot take her out with you. Try this, she will understand yu.

Answer 6

Hmmmmmm... Can't think off the top of head of any specific book titles, but I think a key idea is to give her consequences for her bad behavior (when she ignores you, for instance) and FOLLOW THROUGH. If you are out at the store and she is "bad," say, "If you continue to do that, we are leaving and you are going to be ______(Whatever your punishment is.)." And then you have to actually follow through with it.

I have to add one more thing -- little "time outs" are lousy punishment, in my opinion. A child psychology expert might say one minute per year of age for a time out. I say, "BIG DEAL." My kids, from early on, knew that if they messed up badly, they were going to be sent to their room (not just to a corner of the dining room) and they were going to stay there for awhile -- at least a half hour. It is supposed to be punishment! And now they are ages 7 and 11, and they both get grounded instead of time outs. For example, if one talks back to me in anger, she can expect to be grounded from the television/computer/PS2 for a couple days. This hardly ever happens. My kids are well-behaved and know that I mean business.

Answer 7

When she does that walk over to her and put your hand on her shoulder, look her in the eye and tell her again. Most children will respond to this and yours will too if you are consistent and do it every time soon she will respond before you have to do that.

Answer 8

to tell you the truth i dont believe in abusing a child but wait till u get home and give her a quick backhand i acted that way with my mother and that made me think twice about pulling that **** again....like i said i dont belive in child abuse but theres a big diffrence between child abuse and a wake up call and i think thats all that may work in this case

Answer 9

seems to me you never had control.....problably too late by now...after about 5 years old...they are pretty well set in thier ways...you asked...i answered honestly...good luck