angry 8yr old how can i help her ?

Question

im a mother of two and 35 weeks pregnant with my third child..my son is 10 and my daughter is eight.for a long time she has had "temper tamtrums" but thay seem to be exculating out of my control ive sat down and disscussed the new babys arrival with both of them so this dosnt seem to be the problem.she has outbursts of anger that are getting uncontrolable.i choose in most cases not to smack her and use punishments like time out no sweets or tv sending her to her room e.t.c ive taken her to the doctor all she said was that she was willfull so it was no help at all.she usually refuses punishment by swearing and hiting .my husband has to restrain her by holding her untill she calmes down sometimes for hours she also trys to runaway so we lock the doors and sometimes she missis school because when the taxi arrives to take them shes haveing a temper.the school says shes fine just a bit bossy.she says she dose not know why she dose it.can anyone help ?

Answer 1

How are her grades in school? How are her friendships with other students and neighborhood friends? Those are the two places I would start looking. I have cousins who were very similar, and they both discovered they have learning disabilities.

I strongly suggest taking her to a psychologist or community social worker. I do not suggest having her seen by a social worker in school because both as a child and as an educator I have seen that kids who go to the social worker during school face a lot of ridicule. Remember, too, that finding a psychologist is like trying on swimsuits- it can take a while to find the right one, and the wrong ones are REALLY wrong! Ask your physician for referrals, ask friends if they know of any good ones, etc.

Also, you may want to look into information on oppositional defiant disorder. Since her poor behavior only seems to exist at home, it is not my opinion that she has ODD, but some of the parenting/discipline techniques may be helpful to you. The disorder is controversial and not widely diagnosed in the US, but there are helpful ideas for parents of kids who are more difficult.

It sounds like she has a lot of energy, so perhaps she would do well in sports. Traditional ones like soccer or softball may not appeal, but maybe something like karate or gymnastics would be more interesting. Before totally dismissing martial arts because or her history of hitting, remember that most martial arts emphasize that violence is not the first resort and that it is not done in anger.

Kudos for not using physical punishment to discipline her- hitting to show hitting is wrong is counter-productive.

Answer 2

Maybe try to get her school friends/neighbours to come to her home and play with her. Give her time to play instead of restricting her. Bring her out for a movie. Make her happy. Hope the anger will go away. She's only 8, no point shouting/ground her, making everyone miserable and in bad mood. Kids throw tantrums, especially at this time which she thinks ur attention/love to her will be less when the new kid sis/bro comes along so she's grabbing ur attention.

Answer 3

Possibly some one on one time giving extra attention may be a good start.

Why not discuss with both children, a new idea that one day a week for about an hour or two will be devoted to each child. Say she gets time w/ mom&dad Tues. and Son get his turn on Thurs. or (just mom this week then dad next week and continue rotate weeks this way each child gets their individual time on the one special day.) Say Tues Dad take her for Pizza & Movie and Mom has video and popcorn at home. Then Next week alter children, Dad takes son for Pizza & Movie and Mom has video or baked cookies (pilbury rolls will be just as affective) with daughter.

Try this for about a month or two and see if it makes a difference and she finds a way to open up and start talking more about what is going on with her. (has she been hurt by someone, is she struggling in school with her studies, is she affraid she will loose more attention, when the new baby arrives. etc.)

If you can not get to the root of the problem maybe mom or dad should go with her a few times to a councelor and just listen to what she has to say. She may try talking then when she feel comfortable have her meet on her own if she chooses. Focus on trying to find alternative groups for her to participate in ... have this as your main focus Ask counclor about helping to find out what she like or enjoys doing and start there.

Maybe a local bible study group, they usually offer music and socials on wed or thurs evenings for pre-teens and teens.

There are also, many books on the subject your describing. Best of luck to you all, Just don't give up on her the answers will come, just find a way to guide her that works for you all.

Also, keep in mind if with baby due soon, maybe an extra hand from a grandparent or extended family member or good friend may be needed to help watch baby in next room, while Mommy and daughter have alone time at home. (( not necessary when you spend time with son, baby can be near by if need be. Try whatever schedule works best for your family. Just make a commitment to a time schedule and try as a family to stick to it.)

Answer 4

Has she exhibited these behaviours at school? Or just home? I would say she may need some counseling. Sounds like she is a very angry young girl. maybe someone neutral can talk to her and find out whats her problem.

Answer 5

she must be getting something out of acting that way or she wouldn't do it.
they say that even though it is a bad way of getting attention. it is working.
you pay attention to her when she has outbursts like that.
she gets immediate gratification from it.
although its not good for you or for her. she is getting a re action from you.
Don't react to it. let her throw a fit. let her know how silly she looks when she does it. and that it doesn't bother you.
when she sees that you are not re acting to her fits. she will stop.
my daughter used to be the same way. I used to have to hold her down until she calmed down. she still throws them once in awhile, but not like she used to. and she only does it with my mom. to get her way.
don't react. and she won't act that way.

Answer 6

get her a punching bag (or a stack of pillows) to let out the anger. She needs to have an outlet for her anger.

Answer 7

i think that you sould try and take him out to places and try to calm him down take him to the park or a fair if you try to keep him occupied then he will always think possitive i hope this helps you i dont really know what to do other wise good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

If she's ok at school chances are it isn't a matter of her not being able to control the anger but is, instead, a matter of her choosing not to control it when she's home.

Being seen as bossy, however, could be a sign that she isn't very emotionally mature or skilled; and I'd think if she's not socially skilled there's the chance she could lack the capability (for whatever reason) of being able to (or want to) deal with her frustrations at home in a more acceptable way. IF she's a child who lacks social/emotional maturity there is the chance that that type of maturity isn't your "specialty" when it comes to parenting, and IF you happened to lack some of that type of skill one consequence of that could be not quite understanding this child's needs enough so that she wouldn't feel chronically angry or frustrated. IF she feels "not understood" enough to have become chronically angry or frustrated she would see you as someone who doesn't know what she needs, lose respect for you, and could get to the point where she just can't deal with more frustration. There could be some emotional need she has that even she doesn't know she has (a need to be made to feel special by getting individual attention, a need to feel listened to, a need to have someone just understand what she needs, etc.).

"Strong willed" is just another term for not wanting to cooperate (for one reason or another). There are people (children) who are very strong willed as people but who will try to cooperate with parents because they know their parents are reasonable and mean well. Not wanting (or not being able) to cooperate with you would suggest that she's angry with you, folks, or else angry with "the world" because there's something she needs emotionally but hasn't gotten, so she could have decided that since "the world" doesn't bother trying to make her happy she isn't going to try to cooperate with "the world" either. I'm not saying this is the case. I'm just saying it is one explanation for the problem for some people.

If she's seen as bossy chances are there are other kids who don't like her, so she could be feeling that "the world" doesn't like her too.

The tantrums could be her one and only way to have a little control in her life, and she could be frustrated to the point where she just has to at least have that much control.

Another problem could be that you have just got her "spoiled", and she doesn't respect you and has figured out this behavior gets her to feel in charge and makes you feel helpless. When a child is "spoiled" (and I'm not someone who believes in hitting kids but there is a way to just assert your parental authority without hitting anyone) they lack respect for their parents and show that lack of respect (and even want to show contempt) with tantrums.

I think you should go with her to a counselor but explain to her that you are concerned that this behavior is a sign that there's something she's very unhappy about and you want to figure out what that is. Go with the idea that you'd like to understand if there's something going on at home that makes her feel so miserable all the time she can't control the temper because you'd like to know what you can do to make her less miserable. (It could be something as simple as trying to micromanage every move or every minute when she could need a little autonomy, or it could be something like her feeling as if your apparent helplessness when it comes to her anger makes her have contempt for you.)

I think you need to talk with the counselor to try to figure out what it is you are doing or have done that has led to this situation. Don't just accept "strong willed" as an explanation. Missing school and running away because of this problem makes it more than the occasional battle of wills most people have with children.

(Is there any chance her brother is teasing her all the time without being told to knock it off? Sometimes siblings can make children really miserable, and if parents do nothing the children can feel abandoned and get angry.)

You've commented that the problem is escalating, so I don't think this is something that will go away on its own. She could end up being an out-of-control teenager who decides she'll do whatever it is she wants to do and you aren't going to have a thing to say about it.

I think you need to find a counselor who won't just call her "strong willed" and let that be that. I think you need to find one who will talk to you, figure out what it is your daughter either isn't getting or gets too much of, and work with you and your daughter as a team. I don't think you should take a "what's wrong with my daughter" approach. I don't think you should make your child feel you're trying to figure out "what's wrong with her". Instead, make her feel that you want to go with her to a counselor and figure out what is making her so unhappy that she's behaving in such an unacceptable way.

Say something like, "You know, it hasn't been great to have this tantrum thing going on; but now that we'll be having a new baby in the house we just have to figure out what it will take to help you control your anger more because the baby's new little brain can't be having screaming and yelling going on around it." Explain to her that the baby's developing brain will need people to be examples of how being respectful to others looks and how peaceful talking and playing are supposed to be. Don't make her feel that the baby's entire development hinges on her, but be clear that you are not willing to have behavior in the house that will make the baby live stressed out when his/her brain is developing. Explain to her that you and she are going to go to a counselor to figure out what both of you can do to make the house a nicer placer for everyone to live in.

Finally, I have found that anger is like a flame. If you let it have a little bit of oxygen it gets fanned up. You have to smother it before it gets too big. Telling her to punch a pillow or do something like that will only give air to the anger and make it bigger and bigger until she may feel she cannot deal with it at all. There is a chance that something went on when her brain was "wiring" that led to her having too much of a response to stress. (See www.zerotothree.org and article on brain development and nurturing in the first three years of life.) Brains that over-react to small stresses essentially mean that a person will have inappropriate brain chemicals and other physiological changes in response to a small stress to the point where their immune system could be affected. Talk to a counselor about this.

I don't know if anything I've said is at all helpful, but that's what I have to offer. I do know someone who had a child who had the behavior your daughter does, and - believe me - not getting outside help when you can't solve the problem by yourself wouldn't be the best thing for your child. Besides, if you and she had a "special time out" and went to a counselor and stopped for a sandwich on the way back it could actually be a nice way to have a little time together.

Answer 9

tell her kill anger