To try and keep a long story short: I have a 9yr old step daughter who splits her time 50/50 between our house and her mom's house. Sunday, she was at our house during the day and mom text messaged dad about a BD party for a terminally ill girl that was to happen in 1 hour. Because of the nature of the party, I went out of my way to get a gift and drive about 30 minutes to go to the party that my step daughter said she really wanted to go to. Throughout all of this, I had my 2yr old daughter with me because my husband had work to do.
We arrived at the party only 15 minutes late and the whole thing was very disorganized but I tried to do my best to make it work. On the drive over, my step daughter said that she met this girl only once but liked her and said she was very nice. When we got to the party, my SD didn't want to play with her- she only wanted to play arcade games on her own. During all this, my 2yr old started getting fussy and the BD girl's parents decided to do...
2007-03-12 15:42:19 · 13 answers · asked by Erin H 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
cake, then let the kids play, then do presents. Like I said, the whole thing was very disorganized. By the time the whole party was said and done and it was time to take my 2yr old home for a nap, my SD didn't even play with this girl once. It's obvious that my SD just wanted to go for fun, not to celebrate this girl's birthday.
What's eating at me is that I didn't MAKE my SD play with this girl. I think it's very bad to show up and not play with this girl on her birthday. I feel like I set a really bad example. Calling this girl and making other play plans isn't an option right now. What do I do?
2007-03-12 15:45:04 · update #1
Too late now. If you thought she should have played with the BD girl, you should have told her at the party. If she did not want to then you should have left. Unfortunately this out come is your fault. So just learn from the experience and move on.
2007-03-12 15:51:51 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 4⤋
Its hard to choose what the right decision would be for this step daughter. You did the right thing by taking her to the party. HOWEVER!! Your step girls dad needs more involved in his childs life and should not expect you to have to make the decisions. ITS HIS KID. The step kid has 50 50 visitation. So, I would suggest calling the step kids mother and informing her of the party, and ask her if she wants to take her next time. You are third party, when this kind of stuff happens. I know you want to please the step kid, if I were in your shoes. Call the mom, if your husband is not available, and tell her about this party, give her the option of taking her. Since, its 50/50 and all. You won't be messing up your husbands visitation. You will just be telling step kids mom, HEY SHE NEEDS TO BE AT A PARTY PLEASE TAKE HER. I understand your middle ground. This is between the two parents of this child. I also, would suggest, that you mention to your husband that you don't want to be middle man. You all can live comfortably, when you make sure that you are not made the middle man. Mom and dad of this child need to communicate more.
2007-03-12 23:02:05 · answer #2 · answered by hbuckmeister 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Did your stepdaughter know that the girl is terminally ill? If she did know, maybe she was uncomfortable with it. That is a hard concept for kids.
Also you said that they only met once - not all kids are just the type to just jump in and play with kids they don't know very well.
I would talk to your husband first though. And then talk to her about it and see what was going on.
Maybe have your step daughter make her a card or a thank you note or something along those lines, to let the girl know she was happy to come to her party.
2007-03-12 22:55:56 · answer #3 · answered by im_buz 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Lot's of kids go to parties and don't play with the birthday child. It is actually up to the birthday child to go put of her way to play with the guests (which if she is terminally ill may not have been an option)If this girl was not terminally ill would you be feeling this guilt? Try not to worry about it , if you had have looked around there was probably lot's of guests that didn't play with the girl. Many parties are disorganised so I wouldn't be dwell on that one
2007-03-13 01:11:34 · answer #4 · answered by Rachel 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
talk to your step daughter along with her father about being selfish...explain to her that you rushed her there so she could celebrate possibly one of this girl's last birthdays. tell her you can't MAKE her play with someone, but ask her to think about how her parents would feel if all the kids just played arcade games. I also think you need to contact the mom (again along with the dad) to discuss the situation-maybe it would have been better if she hadn't put you on the spot like that, especially since your sd doesn't really KNOW the girl anyway. just a thought.
2007-03-12 22:50:20 · answer #5 · answered by Sirius's Mommy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the first answer... and commend you for your efforts and attitude on the last minute thing. It's really great to see 2 families working together like that. keep up the great job parenting.
I would definitely talk to the step daughter about proper etiquette and how she would feel if the role was reversed. She should be taught to treat others as she would want to be treated.
2007-03-12 22:56:43 · answer #6 · answered by damommyxx 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I say talk with your stepdaughter about what you're feeling, then ask her opinion. Listen to her very carefully, without interrupting or correcting. Then, unless she has some really persuasive points, tell her that you realized you taught her very bad manners and when one is a guest, one is under obligation to participate with the host, to be in a good, receptive mood, and to be kind and jolly to everyone there.
That's what a party guest is expected to do. Otherwise, you're just a moocher.
Kudos to you for giving it so much thought. Lots of things are taught that way - none of us gets it right all the time.
2007-03-12 22:48:27 · answer #7 · answered by cassandra 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
If you had a fussy 2yo with you, I'm sure that the girl's parents could understand.
I'm also sure that they noticed how rushed you seemed to get to the party, even 15 minutes late, they could understand that you tried to have your stepdaughter there to spend time with the birthday girl.
If you introduced yourself as the stepmother, they should be able to understand how your control over your stepdaughter's manners is limited in certain ways.
Think back to how you believe the birthday-girl's party was for the bday-girl, personally:
Did she seem to enjoy herself?
Did she seem to have fun?
Did she seem to barely hang in there, possibly not feeling well?
How many other children were there for her party?
Did at least one other child play with the birthday-girl?
Ask the above questions to yourself...maybe talk this over with your stepdaughter's mother, or her father.
It is fine to feel this way about what happened, it is normal.
Just remember that it was your stepdaughter's behavior and she is a child.
She should have known better, but don't hold her actions against her.
This party probably caused mixed feelings for your stepdaughter if she doesn't know the birthday-girl well and may have been uncomfortable in thinking of what it means to know someone who is terminally-ill.
She probably wanted to go to this party to be there for the birthday-girl, was nervous about it, but the arcade games helped her deal with it.
Also, arcade games for a 9yo are extremely addictive.
It was perfectly normal for her to become distracted in the arcade games.
This doesn't mean that she should think this was okay.
But your stepdaughter may have not even thought about how her behavior seemed to other people who noticed.
-------------------------------
Talk with your stepdaughter about how you felt, but blame her for nothing...don't make her feel like she is in trouble.
-Hey Nina, I was wondering, I noticed you had a lot of fun at that party. Do you think the birthday-girl enjoyed her party?
*Nina: "Not really...it was kinda weird how..."
(let her talk about how she felt about the birthday-girl, what made her feel weird about being there, what she may not understand about the meaning of terminally-ill)
or
*Nina: "Yea! The arcade games were sooo cool! I loved the the DDR dancing thing. Can we go back this weekend?"
(This could mean that A: She DIDN'T notice her own behavior, but it's still your choice to let her know how you though it looked. B: She may want to talk herself UP TO telling you about how she really felt.)
2007-03-12 23:32:22 · answer #8 · answered by cyan876 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Considering she's 9, it's not going to do a lot to talk to her after the fact. I say set your example as time goes by. Don't worry about this one time. Even if you DO talk with her, she's 9, and as soon as you're finished talking, that's the end of that. Set your example as her step mother as she grows. This one time isn't a big deal. Don't stress about it.
2007-03-12 23:07:27 · answer #9 · answered by julz 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why did the ex wait until 1 hour before the party to notify you?
2007-03-12 22:48:38 · answer #10 · answered by Lady E 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋