Am I wrong to bail as Maid of Honor?

Question

My best friend of 18 years is getting married in May. She asked me to be her maid of honor and originally I agreed. However, I have recently changed my mind and cancelled. I can't get my feelings under-wrap on whether or not I am doing the right thing. Please read below and tell me your thoughts.

1) It is the busiest time at my work and although I can get the time off, they asked if I wouldn't
2) I got married last year and asked her to be my maid of honor. She said no due to having to leave her dog 1/2 a day alone. She also did not want to help with any details - dress shopping was out so she could sleep in and she complained during my entire staggette of boredom (not to mention she was broke and we paid for all her drinks)
3) My husband and I are financially strapped as he is going to school and I do not have much of an income. I work overtime several days a week just too compensate. We calculated the cost to go (it's in another city) incl. the dress and it will be over $700 total

Answer 1

Let her know that while you're honored that she asked you first, that it's not realistic for you to be, considering that you're not right there to help out in preparation, and you can't take extra time off for it. Also, let her know that it's a really tough time for you to get away and the finances aren't great.

For a best friend, she really didn't seem too concerned about your wedding, so if I were you, I wouldn't worry about her reaction. I hope she remembers that she wasn't very helpful to you, and realizes that what goes around does come around. I'll bet that if she'd gone the extra mile for you, you'd be more likely to want to return the favor, regardless of how much it set you back!

Answer 2

Given the circumstances you should never have agreed to be the Matron of Honour (you said you were married last year so you would not be the Maid!). I do agree that you are giving her very little notice, however since you live in another town I doubt very much that she would have been expecting you to do many of the traditional Honour Attendant duties. Since you have already cancelled, it's rather too late to be asking for advice, however if you had asked earlier I would have suggested telling the bride that due to work obligations you'd have been unable to attend any of the 'events' besides the wedding itself so if she wanted to give your place to another friend you wouldn't mind.

As it stands you've probably lost a friend.. perhaps not much of a loss though..

Answer 3

I would back out. Tell her due to recent financial problems and work constraints, you cannot accept her invitation for you to be her maid of honor. but you did appreciate her asking you.

You know your heart is not in it, and you seem resentful at your friend's behavior toward you that she wasn't cooperative to you when you were getting married and refused your maid of honor invitation, and her excuse was lame. So, just bail out. You have a right... Don't worry, she will get someone else.

Answer 4

I'm sure if you told her those exact reasons, she would have to understand. No, you probably shouldn't have accepted to begin with, but as long as you're not backing out at the last minute and she has time to get someone else, I think it would be okay. Your reasons are valid, especially the financial part, and if you can't take the time off, then you can't take the time off. That's not your fault. Good luck and I hope you two can talk about it thoroughly so it doesn't affect your friendship.

Answer 5

I think when it was your wedding, and your time in the spotlight she was jealous. Now that it's her turn to shine you have to ask yourself if the friendship is worth salvaging and whether or not you are going to hold on to the past? I would communicate your feelings to her, don't be petty and not participate because she didn't participate in your wedding. I mean, if you want to stay friends someone has to be the bigger person and talk about what you both were feeling otherwise what's next..battling over baby showers and birthday parties?

Answer 6

It sounds like you have good reason not to do it. I would let you off the hook if it was me. Its okay it is a huge honour but,if you feel at this time in your life you can't be the MOH she deserves then yes step aside and tell it to her like that . I'm sorry Beth but,at this time I do not feel I would be able to help give you the day you truly deserve. I wish I could be there and I love you. I'm sure you won't be able to attend because you can't get the time to be in means you can't get the time off to attend. Send a gift and best wishes see if you have anything like a pic when you were younger or something meaning ful to give her for the gift. If you can I might even send her something new she can wear that day to think of you.

Answer 7

You need to decline your friend's invitation. Your reasons are valid, not because your friend was shakey, but because of the very reasons you have stated. It would be better to back out now than to go half stepping into this . A maid of honor has a lot of responsibilities, and you just cannot meet them right now. This just isn't a good situation. You don't need the stress and she needs someone else, willing and able to help her with her wedding. It will all play out better for both of you if you are honest now.

Answer 8

If you give her reasons 1 and 2 (definitely not 2) then I am sure she will understand. As long as she is given enough notice (a couple of months).
They are valid reasons...unlike her reason - leaving her dog alone for a half day puuurlease!

Answer 9

Since she was not your maid of honor, and because of your own personal reservations, you really should not be her maid of honor.

I can;t imagine her not understanding. If you told her what you wrote here, then there is no way someone in the right mind could not understand.

For you, its just too much money and too hard at work right now.

Just be honest with her, tell her all the things you wrote here, it is a very convincing arguement.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

Well, if hadn't have been such an ogre over your wedding and staggette, i would have said try to be in her wedding. But considering the way she treated you when you got married, you have every right to cancel. If she wasn't willing to leave her dog for 1/2 a day, why should you spend money that you don't really have?? Also, you don't want to screw up your job, just for the sake of her.