My fiancé has a daughter who just turned 4 on fri, [i am 35 weeks preg with our child] the mother of the daughter NEVER calls, brings the kid, or anything unless she needs something from him (she wont even give him her phone # or address so that he could try to see his kid...bugs the holy hell out of me but that is a different topic), and when she has what she needs, she is not even grateful, like for xmas, the gift he got her was criticized, as in not enough... Well on sat we get a call from the childs mother (actually a message, we were out) saying that she wants to know when she should pick up the daughters birthday gift, then the daughter comes on the phone & says "John, its my birthday, give me money". thats all that was said... i am sooo bothered by this. i thought that it is rude & tasteless, but i do think that a small gift should be given, however my fiance, does not...should we get her something? what would you do? it seems like he is only "daddy" when they want something...
2007-03-12 08:06:01 · 22 answers · asked by miss me! 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
& the sad thing is that he wants to be a part of her life, but the mom wont have it because they are not together any more, (havent been for almost 3 years) but she has a boyfriend who she has lived with for the same amount of time that they have not been together....
2007-03-12 08:07:58 · update #1
& before anyone accuses me of being a home breaker, i met him AFTER they split & i have always encouraged him to try to see her more often, even if the mother was being selfish...
2007-03-12 08:10:06 · update #2
This is a typical case, where the mother wants to have the father look like he's nothing and have his daughter convinced of that fact. Preventing him from seeing her, make the girl believe it, because your fiance doesn't get a chance to prove he's a great father. He will have to wait until she is going to ask for him, once she has moved out of her mother's house, so he can tell her his side of the story.
Is there a ways he can demand a visitation schedule through court, he can say that she is withholding his daughter from him and that's against the law, unless he doesn't have any custody rights. He still can ask to have that revised too.
I guess as a father he should give her something, so that the mother doesn't have a chance to make her stories real and say: See, he doesn't care about you. He should insist in doing what he can do. He is going to set an example of what men should be like, once she grows up and is going to look for one herself.
This a hard situation, but hang in there, one day she'll appreciate that he kept doing that and showed his love for her.
Besides that she soon is going to have a little (half) brother or sister which would be great for her, if only the mother let her.
2007-03-12 08:20:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
considering that the mother wants money, not the real show of affection to the child from the father..................I would open up a small account for the daughter, with the father's name and the daughter's name on it, ONLY. The father could put small amounts into the account for the daughter to have when she is old enough to appreciate the gift, and the mother of the child would not be spending the child's money. Still, I would give the child a gift each gifting time..............because the daughter is small, and may very much like having a present from her daddy. I would think that something she may hold and hang onto would be appropriate for her age. If she goes to preschool, she knows all about Dora the Explorer for sure..............and Dora has many things that children do love. That's just an example.......................you know more about what she enjoys.
2007-03-12 08:40:16 · answer #2 · answered by laurel g 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why isn't he in court fighting for his daughter? He doesn't have to just sit and let the mother dictate when she will and will not allow him to see her.
When he files papers for joint custody or visitation or whatever she has to come across with an address. It sounds like he is saying he wants her but just not willing to shell out the time, money, and hassle to fight for her.
I can see the mothers point of being irritated with him. It hits a nerve when your child's father doesn't make an effort to contact her on her birthday. Doesn't he know where her parents live? Her siblings? A joint friend? Where she used to work? There is a way to get into contact with them AND all he had to do was MAIL a card and present to the other party and ask them to get it to his daughter on her birthday.
Does he pay child support? I hope so. If not, why not? And if he does then why doesn't he have her address? Call and ask the courts for it.
Sounds like a one sided story. I think that both parents are at fault with this and the child is the victim.
Of course he should get her a birthday present and a pretty nice one at that.
I would get her one of these:
- a nice doll baby and a doll baby stroller.
- a princess dress up outfit with the accessories
- a sleeping bag and pop up tent
- a personal CD player and some childrens CDs
Hope this list helps. SD
2007-03-12 08:20:29 · answer #3 · answered by SD 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My brother in law is going through the same thing with his daughter she is 2, I suggest that he got to the courts because she cannot keep him from seeing his daughter. They will set visitation something like every other weekend. He will get to see her and spend time with her. She needs to be taught that he is her father not just someone to who "gives" to her. I would buy her a birthday gift just as you normally would, because truly it is not the child's fault she is doing what pleases her mother. He doesn't need a lawyer to represent him in the courts it cut and dry. He wants to be a part of the childs' life. Does he pay child support, if so he should continue, because that will look bad otherwise. If he isn't paying it as of yet, then he will probably get an order for that when he petitions for visitation. Good Luck, things like this are so hard on children.
2007-03-12 08:32:46 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
The other people had good suggestions for gifts. Have John, tell the mother that He will give his daughter the gift. So the mother can bring the daughter to pick it up, he can go to here house and give it to her or they can meet somewhere like McDonalds or the park. He can also tell her that the best gift for their daughter is for him to spend quality time with her. He really does need to take her to court for visitation. If money is an issue then have him talk to your local Legal Aid. The # is in the phone book.
2007-03-12 08:41:37 · answer #5 · answered by wsperingwasp 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get her a baby doll or something small and politely give it to her with a huge smile and hug. It sounds like it's the mother's issues coming through, which makes it a pity that this poor child is caught in the middle. The absolute best thing you and your fiance can do is to not let his daughter ever see you get into it with her mother. One day she will grow up and realize that her mother has been keeping her away from her daddy. Just be there for her (the daughter) when she wants you to be. I wouldn't give her cash/money; I'm sure it will just end up in her mother's hands. Give her a gift instead.
2007-03-12 08:33:42 · answer #6 · answered by poshmomma 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think a gift is appropriate, but not cash...especially not for a four year old! Sounds to me like Mommy Dearest put that idea in her head!
It truly is a shame that she is being kept from her father. If he really wants to spend more time with her, why can't he go to court to order the mother to comply with child visitation? Does he already pay child support, or is he afraid of having to do that IF he goes to court to seek visitation? This is a sad scenario all the way around. I suggest your fiance go the proper route and take his ex to court. That would balance out the power trip that "mommy" is on. Good luck to you all! P.S. he should not ignore the fact that he has a daughter, especially since you two are going to become parents soon, don't let him 'forget' his four year old when the baby arrives because it is more convenient having a child in his home, rather than a child whose mother makes visitation hard. That little girl deserves to be fought for.
2007-03-12 08:17:17 · answer #7 · answered by Carrie C 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
that's a shame but unless father has a police record, or not paying child support he can take into court and try to get a judgment for visitation or shared custody.
The next item never send money, it has no value in a child's life. If money is a seemingly tough obstacle to get around for some reason, open a joint account between father and daughter. It is very rude and tasteless for a mother to put her daughter up to those types of request.
2007-03-12 08:18:42 · answer #8 · answered by Dennis G 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Of course go to court and get rights to see her but even if he does not have any at the moment he should still get her something for her b-day b/c she is his daughter no matter how big of a pain the mom is...but I would only give up the present when the child is there I would not give anything to the mom....I would only give it to the child, b/c she needs to know that it came from her daddy and not her mom. Good luck and I hope everything works out.
2007-03-12 09:09:05 · answer #9 · answered by Jeannie H 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, the 4 year old daughter is apparently being taught by her mother to refer to her daddy as "John". I suggest that your husband get a court order for visitation with his child if he wants to see her. The mother is using your husband and that is all. The only way the poor kid will ever have any respect for her father is if he spends time with her and earns it. Trust me, I know this from experience. As long as he lets the ex use him for money - she will continue to do it more and more.
As for the birthday gift, YES I think he should get her something. She is his child. I think he shouls pwrsonally give the gift (of his choice) to the little girl instead of letting the mother pick it up and pass it on to her. Maybe he could call her ans day something like, "I have a birthday gift for my daughter. I would like for you to bring it over so I can give it to HER instead of you." This is the only way the kid will really know where and who the gift came from.
I have an ex who has nothing to do with our daughter. She is 17 now. She gets no phone calls to say Happy Birthday, or Merry Christmas, no gifts, nothing at all. This hurts my daughter terribly. I feel like it is her fathers loss because he is not participating in her life. She is a smart and beautiful girl and I am honored to have her as my daughter. I am so proud of her. Sh ewill be graduating at the top of her class in a couple of months and I know the father will not even be there to see her. I will though, with a warm heart, tears in my eyes and a smile on my face. As I said before - it is HIS loss.
Good luck and congrats on your own baby too. I hope it healthy. :)
2007-03-12 08:15:00 · answer #10 · answered by I know, I know!!!! 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋