oh god...wife & teenage child just walked through the front door...trouble..?

Question

im 32
an old lonely grey man...

my wife & 16 yr old child argue all the time...about evrything and anything...whenever they get a chance, they grab it. and if i try to jump in or change the subject they SCREAM at me. so i thought it was safer to stop that.

i work 12 hours a day at a drama school, which also includes screaming, unnecesarry emotional crying from teenagers and rivalry between teachers...i think thats enough for a guy to go through evry day & im exhausted by the tiime i come home...but when i do....it starts again... a house of screaming women and a colicy 3 m baby...

so...QUESTION: how to stop this arguin...tried to speak to them...but nothin works...

Answer 1

its cool man

Answer 2

I really feel for you.
Home should be a place of sanctuary at the end of a long day.
Its hard when these habits form as it gets into a cycle of arguing that is so hard to break.
Maybe you should stop trying to gently mediate and talk tough.Point out to your wife and the daughter that you are very unhappy living in that environment and do not feel it can continue this way.Tell them that if harmony of some kind cannot be reached the situation will need to be reassessed as you cleasrly cannot live together that way and that one or more of you will have to go.Maybe shaking things up a bit will make them realise the effect this is having on you.
Some people do however thrive on rows-I have friends whose home is like a war zone but they've been together for years and actually seem to like it that way.Maybe your wife and daughter are the same-they are happy with the way they are with each other and do not see the damage it is doing to you.
Family counselling may be an option if they agree to go,or even sitting down with them and wrtitng a list of house rules.
Hope thats of some help.

Answer 3

Ok, since you are only 32, I am assuming the teenager is your wifes, by another relationship. Anyone who has or have had a teenager knows there is not a more difficult time of raising a child. At that age they think they are Grown and know everything, and Adults are Idiots. You obviously have not been given the right as Man of the house, and it seems like your opinion does not count and certainly is not respected. You are gonna end up on Nerve pills if something does not change and fast. Like alot of comments I have read here, family counseling is a good thing BUT it does not sound like either one of them respect you enough to even give that a chance. If you Wife is showing you NO respect then of Course the Teenager is not going to. You may have to think seriously about getting out of this House, for good. Talk to your wife and tell her you cannot continue to live this way and if things do not change, respecting you for one, then you will be leaving those 2 to battle it out. It might put you in a Fianancial Bind, but at least when you lay your head down to rest at night, it will be without the headaches caused by those two. Hang In there fellow and GROW SOME BACKBONE...

Answer 4

Take your wife out to dinner, have the 16 yo watch the baby. After a nice quiet dinner calmly bring up that you are having issues with them. Tell her you want to help deal with the 16yo but don't want to scream or be screamed at. She(your wife) is probably feeling the same way you are. Tell your wife not to mention your convo to the child when you get home.
Then take the daughter out to dinner a couple of nights later-- same thing. Tell her that you can't deal with the screaming and that you love her but the rivalry with her and her mother stops NOW. Let her know you mean it.
What you and your wife decided on as punishment go into effect when you return home. Start taking away the electronics first. Cell phone, Tv in her room, etc.. When she misbehaves something else goes. When she behaves for a week she can have something back.
The important thing to remember is that in 2 years or so she will no longer live there. Things will never be the same, so bond as a family now. Plus even after she leaves you still have a wife and a baby to live with. You need to learn to live happily togather so that no divorce looms ahead.

Answer 5

The smart answer would be to suggest that you leave but I amsure that you have already thought about that and rejected it.

So the next thing would be to say that you ignore it and look for the quiet life you seek, in you own mind but that won't work because its in your face all the time...

So all I can see is that you are goin got have to live with it because that is what you bought into when you were married and had TWO kids... the only thing you can do is to excersise some control over the situation set some ground rules - why is it that your wife is screaming as well, does she not know how to behave better? She is a parent and not a child.

Also your 16 year old is practically grown up - she should know better.

you need to see each persons view point (including your own) and negotiate some changes that will benfit all.

A family conference of sorts is what I suggest.

Good luck.

Answer 6

This often is pretty normal with mother and teenage daughter. You can plead until you are blue in the face and really the situation won't change. Sorry to be negative but it's a fact. How you take a stand with this can depend who the 16yr old and the baby belong to, this you haven't explained. If you are not the16 yrs old's father you are limited to forms of punishment you can carry out. You need time out, good walk, hobby etc. If the weather doesn't permit you to vanishes outdoors then after working all day get a lock put on your bedroom door and take 'time out' there any way you wish. Watch TV, put ear plugs in, read, snooze etc etc etc. I do suppose on your own you and your wife had discussed the situation? I know it is difficult working a long day but has your wife to put up with the 16yr old and the baby 24 x 7 and really at the end of her tether and needing some support from you? If there is more to the situation than simply mother and daugher arguing over different trivial things then you need to seek outside help.

Answer 7

You could try earplugs or put earphones on and listen to music. Unless they are trying to draw you in on the conversation, zone them out when you need to relax.

It's obvious that they feel the need to have these screaming matches, but unless they try to involve you, don't try to involve yourself. Yes - it would be nice if you could have a civil conversation with them, but unfortunately you can't right now.

It's a tough age for teens, and this is a rough period, but the good thing is that it doesn't last forever. Hopefully this is your case. I'm sure your wife is under a lot of stress with such a young baby, and your daughter's issues are the icing on the cake. If there is anything you can DO - not SAY - to take some of this stress from her, she may actually calm down a bit.

You shouldn't be feeling like an old, lonely man at 32. You have so much ahead of you!

Answer 8

You can handle this one or two ways. One way is being the man you are and let your voice be heard. Sit them both down and try to get to the bottom of why they are constantly fighting each other. As for me I constantly fought with my mom over stupid things, but then again she was being controlling, and I was the know it all teenager. Best thing is to try and have a decent converstation with them both privately. Then maybe have a family meeting after that, and discuss the issues between them, but you have to be the open minded for both sakes. Hear them out and then think rationally and come up with a resolution. I know it is the last thing you want to do after a long day of the same. But if you want a peacefull home, there are sacrifices to made. The second way is to completely ignore them both and go find a hobbie after work and not go home til later in the eve. But then that would be the easy way out. Good luck!

Answer 9

Enjoy the baby! A doctor could give you advice about that colic. Wear ear plugs and butt out of your wife and daughter's fights. Go in a different part of the house and play with the baby and watch TV together, or if it's a nice day, take a nice long walk.
Sooner or later, your wife and daughter will complain about you! That you're never around. You can say it's to preserve your own sanity and you would be telling the truth! Good luck!

Answer 10

I think you already answered it - its two women in the house. You might think of her as a 16 year old child but shes a woman. I argued with my mum like cat and dog at that age. Once I went to university it all calmed down and we became the best of friends.

I think what they are experiencing is natural - I'm guessing your wife is a similar ag to you so she is still dealing with hormones, possible post natal depression, sleepless nights with the baby etc etc.

I suggest you talk to your daughter when she has a calm moment, treat her like an adult - explain how exhausted you and her mum are and ask her to chill out a bit and give you all some quiet time. maybe she feels a bit put out by the arrival of the baby, maybe you can offere a sweetner - something for her room?

Then maybe you need to plan a break for you and your exhausted wife.

Answer 11

You need to identify the roles that each of you play in your family. You are a husband and father? Your wife is also a mother. Try to take more control and put your point across, even though it will be difficult. You are the grown up in this relationship and your daughter\son is still a child. It may sound a bit harsh but you need to 'lay the law down' and stand your ground. If that does not work it mat be that you need family councelling. Whichever way, good luck. Teenagers can be hard work!