Should you tell a child she is adopted?

Question

My family recently adopted a child. We have discussed about wether telling her or not. She was only six weeks old and she is about to be one. She is my baby sisiter and my family and I have discussed the issue and we decided no to. We feel that she will feel that there is a differnece between her and my other two sisster. The thing is that many people know and we are afraid that some one will tell and those are my close family. If you cant trust your family than who? As for mw beign the oldest I love her the same as the others, there is no difference. I need help I feel that when she does come of age and finds out then I am going to be the one that she will come to. How should I tell her. I wish that she would never find. But there will be people who will try to tell her. What should I do? And when it come to her reall mom we dont know we lost all contact and we told we didn't want her near her or us.

Answer 1

My mom is adopted, and my grandparents told her when she was 3 years old. They sat her down, told her that although my grandmother didn't give birth to her and she was adopted they love her even more because they went to an orphanage and saw her and loved her at first sight and picked her. It was a good thing, because 3 things happened:
1. my grandparent's families didn't agree with the adoption and did make a difference between her and her cousins. She felt it but she was confident in her parent's love and did her best not to care for their opinions.
2. they lived in a small town and one day someone got mad at my grandparents and told her she was bought. By then she knew she was adopted andjust saw it for what it was - that person's malice.
3. When my mom was about 16 her biological mom wanted to contact her. My grandmother agreed and asked my mom to meet her but my mom said that she has only one mom, and that's the one that raised her. She didn't want to meet her biological mom and the woman gave up.
Someone is going to tell the child whether you and your family tell her or not. It is better that she hears it from the people she sees as her family and that you love her then from someone else who will perhaps want to harm your sister.
In my country there is and adoption law that stipulates that the adopting parents must tell the adopted child it's adopted by the age of 7. I mostly agree with that age because at that age the child is fully integrated into the family but understands how children are born. Also it happends before those teenager angsts so it is a shock but not earth shattering.
If your parents tell her, and I strongly recomend it, they should be the one to tell her. And if she comes to you the only thing you can do is show her you love her and you accept her as her family. Love is the only thing that you'll all need in this situation.
BTW, the happiest family I ever knew has 4 addopted children, they all know they're addopted and they love ther parents and they love them.

Answer 2

I think you should tell her. Start talking to her about it now while she is still young. As she gets older she'll start asking questions but if you start now you won't have that moment when she's 10 (or whenever she finds out on her own) where she feels like you kept it a secret. If you just raise her with her knowing she was adopted she won't feel like it's something to be embarrassed of. Because it's not! Just tell her she didn't come from your belly, but from your heart. My brother-in-law found out he was adopted when he was at school. A cafeteria aide didn't like his mom and for some cruel reason wanted to hurt him and told him in front of everyone that his dad was not his "real dad". What an awful way to find out :(.
You're daughter will need to know at some point that she is adopted for medical reasons so why put off the inevitable? Just make it a positive experience. Kudos to your family for standing up and giving a child a loving home!

Answer 3

yes u should tell her. But wait until she is at least 3 or 4 to tell her. But do it sooner if it feels right. Just explain to her she is no different from anyone else in you're family and she is still you're baby sis. Even if you two are from different parent's. I can relate in a way through the 11 year's of my life in foster home's. The feeling of being without you're real family is hard. But also the fact of not knowing can be harder. At first yeah she may be very upset, she may also think that she is no good because her mommy didn't want to keep her. Explain as thoroughly as you can and be serious. But be very understanding when she is older if she looks for her own answer's. Just let her know that u will be there for her no matter what and u will always love her.

Answer 4

Absolutely, yes. All of the current research on child adoption says that you should. It is harmful to children if no one tells them because they sense it anyway - even if no one says anything directly, they get the idea that the family is hiding a "secret."
Please read some books or talk to parents or join some online communities to find info on how to raise an adopted child. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but it's not the same as a biological relationship. Your entire family, not just your adopted child, will benefit from your knowledge.
Please feel free to email me if you'd like more info, e.g. recommended books.

Answer 5

Honestly I think I would want to know, but it is your choice! There is nothing wrong with adoption in fact a lot of people say it is special because they were choosen! I think she should know one day when she is old enough to understand, you know? I just think it is good to know where you came from, but regardless she is your family, and that will never change. She was born to be with you guys, not her biological parents and family! Blood is only DNA, love is something far greater!! You guys are great to adopt her, and she will appreciate the life you give her! Congratz!!

Answer 6

Absolutely a child should be told. I would make sure they knew from the very begining that they were so special that I picked them. I would tell them that their parents loved them enough to give them a chance at a good life, a life they couldn't give them. If you keep this a secret she could find out years down the road and resent the lies. Medical reasonings are there too. What if she were to get sick and needed her medical background and she found out like that? That could be devastating.

Answer 7

I think she should definately be told!! Begin telling her about it in a very positive way, when she is very,very young.That way she will always "know",so there won't be that big moment of shock if she were older and found out.It would be very wrong to keep it from her.She'd feel angry,resentful and betrayed that everyone knew except her.There's no shame in being adopted! It "proves" she was chosen and wanted-stress that to her!

Answer 8

I think a child should be raised knowing they are adopted. Its a horrible shock to find out later in life. How would you feel if someone told you your parents weren't your real parents? I hope ya'll change your mind and tell her. It will make life alot easier if she always knows.

Answer 9

yes you should tell her. i have 2 friends who are adopted and they knew. they too have no contact to their biological parents. id wait untill she older and will be able to understand the concept. shes way to little now, but it is important for her to know.

Answer 10

You should tell her as soon as she can understand. I would be very angry if I found out on my own and was never told. It's like lying.