NOTE: This question has been posted under Health-General and Family & Relationships: Singles and Dating. Just trying to get a whole bunch and variety of answers.
My girlfriend and I had a debate recently. And we are curious what the general public would say.
a) Would you break up with someone if they couldn't have kids?
b) What if they knew they couldn't have kids and concealed it from you for a number of years?
c) Do you think people who know they can't have kids should come right out in the beginning of a relationship and tell the other person?
Of course my gf and I have very different views on this subject and one of us believes that the answers to these questions would be the norm among most people. Please answer these questions not "philosophically" but how you actually feel.
Also remember it goes both ways... guys would you break up w/ a girl if she couldn't have kids... and girls would you break up w/ a guy if he couldn't have kids?
2007-03-12 04:48:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Best Answer was chosen randomly (all answers were the best in my opinion).
For those who care:
This question was posted in three different topic areas; 51 people answered.
Question (a): Yes-27% No-73%
Question (b): Yes-53% No-47%
Question (c): Yes-71% No-29%
So most people WOULD NOT break up with someone if they couldn't have kids. It's about 50/50 on whether people would if their significant other kept it from them for a number of years. And most of you believe that it should be brought up around the time when things are getting serious.
As for me and my gf... I really want kids bad one day. It's important to me so I would say Yes to all (However, if we were married and found out down the road then I wouldn't leave... we would find alternatives). Of course my gf says No to all... and thinks I'm evil :) But it was very interesting to hear from all of you... some that agreed w/ me, alot agreed w/ my gf; most were inbetween our arguments.
2007-03-14 12:54:31 · update #1
Well one first fell in love you didn't know if either could have kids. I wouldn't break up with my spouse because he can have kids. If the person can have kids than maybe they are not ready to tell you that they cant because maybe it hurts them as much as it hurts you. I believe if that two person are about to get married then that when you should say something and if the other really loves you then it shouldn't matter because that's what love really means. I don't think a person should say something in the beginning of a relationship, nobody assures them that they are go in to stay with that person forever. Another thing you could always adopt a baby, there are many children out there who don't have the love and care that they need, why not give your love to them. And forget the idea that its not your own flesh and blood, a mother or father are not just making them, it also about love and care and responsibility and teaching them the meaning of life. Hope this helps.
2007-03-12 05:00:58 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that kids are a major factor in a relationship. Either way you choose will have a major impact on how your life will go and therefore I think if you know you can't have or you choose not to have kids it should be placed in front of someone just like your age and religion. I think I would feel a bit cheated if I was in a long term relationship and something major like this was just placed on the table. I personally would stay if I loved the person but everyone should be given a choice up front. There is also a difference between not being able to have kids and not wanting them. You can always adopt and/or choose different ways of having kids. I think that people who want to have kids would stay if the person couldn't have kids but wanted kids. If however they didn't want kids and the other person really had a strong desire to have kids then I think that it's something that would eventually break them up no matter how much they loved each other.
2007-03-12 05:05:20 · answer #2 · answered by nm 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As someone who is not able because of health problems I would say no I would not. BUT, I can understand someone doing so. The main reason some would say, that we are put on this earth is to have children. But if you love someone enough adoption and fostering is always a very good option. I mean there are so many children out there who need a good family. I would think that person should evalute what is most important in their lives. Some people may find adoption is just as good. Some may not. But my main fact is if you as a lady cannot have children and you are dating someone, BE UPFRONT AND HONEST. This is a huge issue! Always let that be one of the first facts someone knows about you. It's only fair.
2007-03-12 04:55:53 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I didn't have any children at all I wouldn't let myself fall in love with someone that wasn't able to have children because I know that I would want kids.
If they concealed it from me for a number of years, I have invested a lot of time and love into this relationship, and my trust was seriously betrayed, if this man loved me and knew how I felt then I deserved to know the minute things got serious. I would be gone, and it would be tough but that is just wrong.
I think that if you know that you can't have children it is something that should come up after a few dates, before the relationship is down a path of no return. A woman only has so many years where she can have babies, wasting her time with someone who can't might not be something she is willing to do.
However, if my husband/boyfriend found out while we were together and invested in the relationship that they couldn't have children, we would work it out together. I would want children, I would want the opportunity to be pregnant, so something would be worked out and we would see someone about artificial insemination.
2007-03-12 04:56:51 · answer #4 · answered by chefck26 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a) If someone told me that they couldn't have kids....... it wouldn't be a deal breaker....there are so many children in the world with no parents.....so adoption is always an option.
b)If they were hiding the fact they couldn't have kids, and never told me........ that would be a different story.... that is secrecy and no good relationship should have secrets.... so I might.
c) I think that if a relationship has the potential for growth..... it is important to lay all the cards on the table..... even the subject of kids......so yes, they should let the other person know.
2007-03-12 04:55:55 · answer #5 · answered by erin_foss8191@sbcglobal.net 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1) honesty is key in any relationship. So, before getting married or even very serious, I'd have discussions about the future - what kind of a life we wanted together. This would include discussing kids as well as finances, locations, retirement, etc.
2) if I could not have kids, I'd be honest about it, pretty early on. No sense getting deep into something if they can't handle that.
3) if she could not have kids, I'd expect to be told early on. If she kept that from me, that would kill trust between us, especially if she knew that my plans for the future included kids (biological, not adopted).
4) finally - the question "would i break up". If we both were honest, it comes down to what kind of life we want. If a must-have for either one is biological children, you'd have to end it. The alternative is to continue on, but eventually resent each other for making that decision.
2007-03-12 04:53:52 · answer #6 · answered by Steven D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A) I wouldn't. Hubby means more to me than kids. I would still be with him even if one of us was incapable of producing kids. I made a commitment to him, not to our unborn kids. Kids are important, but I committed to him for reasons that aren't just for procreation. But I know a lot of women who feel that kids are the entire point of marriage, and would (and have) left men who didn't want/couldn't have kids.
B) This is a biggie. I'd say this would call for serious counseling, since this is a break of trust. This wouldn't be about us having kids, this is about him hiding something major from me that I had a right to know. It would be like hiding the fact that he has diabetes or a million dollars in his bank account. After a few years, I would expect to know those things and it would hurt me if he kept them from me.
C) I don't think you have an obligation to state something that personal at the beginning of a relationship. If it's casual, kids shouldn't come up until later. But I'd say by the third or fourth date it should come up so neither person would waste their time. Once you have an idea that you like the other person, or if they like you, you should bring it up (like you would with diabetes, but maybe not the million dollars, since then you have to worry about gold-diggers!)
2007-03-12 04:58:54 · answer #7 · answered by mikah_smiles 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No. What happens most is you don't know if your partner could or could not have kids before you're married, and since most people try for kids after they're married, they often have no idea themselves. And like the wedding vow says, For better or for worse, In sickness and in health. But it would be awful if someone tricked you for marrying them by not telling you the truth. I personally might not leave them because of it, but it would create a lot of problems in the marriage. People who know that they cannot have children should always be honest with their partners, that way they know that their partners love and want them for who they are, children or no children.
2007-03-12 05:23:10 · answer #8 · answered by trax2345 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a) haven't been there to be 100% sure but i believe that if i was perfectly well with him on every thing else i could easily adopt.
b) i would break up for the lie and not the fact. it's a bad thing to play with my life and that's what i could not forgive
c) not at the very fist beginning cause the other would freak out, but if you see the relationship is going somewhere, and think of getting married, then it's the time to reveal it.
2007-03-12 05:15:30 · answer #9 · answered by helena_m_p 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your question really boils down to: is the real reason to be in a relationship with someone the procreation of the species?
I have to say that I am with my spouse because of the people we are together, not because of the product we can push out due to some biological process. To boil it down to the cellular level and say it is about the biology misses the mark of a relationship. In that case, why not kidnap a good looking college coed, impregnate her and then dispose of her when she bears her live young?
Needless to say, I fall firmly in the camp of: love the person for what's inside, not for their naughty bits.
2007-03-12 04:53:47 · answer #10 · answered by Shredded Cottage Cheese 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋