Would you break up w/ someone if they couldn't have kids?

Question

NOTE: This question has also been posted under Health-General. I'm trying to get a variety of answers.

My girlfriend and I had a debate recently. And we are curious what the general public would say.

a) Would you break up with someone if they couldn't have kids?

b) What if they knew they couldn't have kids and concealed it from you for a number of years?

c) Do you think people who know they can't have kids should come right out in the beginning of a relationship and tell the other person?

Of course my gf and I have very different views on this subject and one of us believes that the answers to these questions would be the norm among most people. Please answer these questions not "philosophically" but how you actually feel.

Also remember it goes both ways... guys would you break up w/ a girl if she couldn't have kids... and girls would you break up w/ a guy if he couldn't have kids?

Best Answer was chosen randomly (all answers were the best in my opinion).

For those who care:
This question was posted in three different topic areas; 51 people answered.

Question (a): Yes-27% No-73%
Question (b): Yes-53% No-47%
Question (c): Yes-71% No-29%

So most people WOULD NOT break up with someone if they couldn't have kids. It's about 50/50 on whether people would if their significant other kept it from them for a number of years. And most of you believe that it should be brought up around the time when things are getting serious.

As for me and my gf... I really want kids bad one day. It's important to me so I would say Yes to all (However, if we were married and found out down the road then I wouldn't leave... we would find alternatives). Of course my gf says No to all... and thinks I'm evil :) But it was very interesting to hear from all of you... some that agreed w/ me, alot agreed w/ my gf; most were inbetween our arguments.

Answer 1

A) Personally yes because it's important to me. If having children isn't important as its not to some people then no it wouldn't be a problem.

B) Yes even if I didn't want children because if they can't talk about something as important as that then what else are they hiding?

C) No, but it should come up early on in the relationship.

Answer 2

A) No I would not break up with someone just because they couldn't have kids. I think that is wrong and if I really wanted kids there are other options.

B) I would be bothered by this but after talking with them about my feelings I still would not break up with them, unless this is not the only thing that they lied to me about or kept from me.

C) This is a question I could go both ways on because I don't think that I would come right out in the beginning of a relationship and tell my boyfriend that I couldn't have kids it would take a lot of trust before I could tell them that. Therefore how could I expect my boyfriend to tell me right away, I couldn't that wouldn't be fair to them.

Answer 3

My boyfriend and I have also had this conversation because I have some health problems that I'm dealing with that could affect my bearing a child.

a.) If I knew my boyfriend couldn't have kids, I would never break up with him. It's not his fault.

b.)If it was something he was ashamed of, it would be understandable in my eyes. I wouldn't want to admit it either. Even if it were a few years into the relationship, it takes a very strong person to admit something that important.

c.) Not neccessarily in the "beginning" of the relationship but later on when things get serious and there is a mutual understanding that the relationship will be taken to higher levels.

In my (and my boyfriend's) opinion, there are many children out there in need of a loving family. We've even said that even if I can have children, we would still like to adopt a newborn and a teenager.

Also, I know there are people out there who would want their own flesh and blood pitter-pattering down the hall and it's completely understandable, but if you love someone child-bearing should never be the reason of a break up.

Answer 4

If I knew it upfront before a number of years had passed, that wouldn't be a reason to dump someone in my opinion. I would discuss how they feel about adoption. I have dumped people who just don't want kids period because I do. If they knew they couldn't and hid it to stay with me knowing how much I want kids, I would take that as a betrayal because to me honesty and communication are a big part of a relationship. I think the older you are, the more important this issue may become to some people. Like for me now in my 30's, I want a kid and I'm not settling. If I start out a new relationship, I ask upfront how they feel about having kids before we get to far into it. Because if they flat out don't want them, why waste time even trying to date. I've even dated the ones who can't who have been honest about it, but said they were open to adoption etc. That's isn't an issue for me. Honesty is.

Answer 5

A friend of mine fell in love with an guy who had been married before. He had a couple of kids with his previous wife and then got "fixed". She knew he could not have kids but she loved him and was fine with that. They got married. She was in her twenties when she made that decision. So then her friends started having kids and she decided that she did too. She got the baby bug really bad. He tried to have his surgery reversed and it did not work. She was devestated. All because of a decision she made in her twenties.

I would advise my daughters not marry someone who could not have kids. You cannot know how you are going to feel once your friends are having children. The baby bug hits and that is all you can think about. Most young people don't have an overcoming desire to have kids. But once that season of life hits when your friends are having them and that is all they talk about, you realize that you would like them too.

Someone in their 30/40's will know more certainly whether they want children and to find out that the guy they like cannot have kids may not be an issue.

But, I would hope buy the third date at the very least, that it would come up in conversation, before the other person falls too hard. It will be much easier to end a relationship early on than when they are making plans for the future.

Answer 6

My wife and I don't have kids and we don't plan to our lifestyle is not compatible with children we like are freedom and don't want or need the responsibility. If either partner can't have children and doesn't say so in a relationship then that relationship starts to begin on a lie which is never a good idea because eventually it will catch up to you. I personally would not break up with someone who couldn't have kids. We have pets and there just about the same they just cost a whole lot less....

Answer 7

I think it would very hurtful if someone hid this information and the other person wanted kids. I mean isn't it why you really get married ? Unless you make a pact before hand.

I do believe if you are serious with someone and its heading to the alter fessing up is the right thing to do. How can you base a marriage on mistrust?
This impacts your life - (family) perhaps you can just hope on adoption - knowing the situation or get a really great dog.
You need to be honest and up front - about child rearing.
Especially if the other person wants a family.

Answer 8

a) no -- because i love that person and want to be with him. i cannot break up with him for something that does not exist yet. besides, we have enough of unwanted / homeless children in the world. i'm sure we can just make arrangements for adoption. or, if we really want to look into other options... there's in-vitro and other forms of assisted reproduction.

b) lying, on the other hand, is another thing. lying about something as impt as that (esp if we're talking marriage and havign kids for so long), then that's a different story. where is te honestly in the relationship???

c) yes and no. i think it should be more like "as soon as you know you are serious with each other" --- there's no point in saying something that private and impt on a first date... you'll probably end up scaring the heck out of your date if you start talking abt babies before your main course is even served, eh?

Answer 9

you should not break up with your bf/gf just because he or she can not have kids there is always other alternatives, like adoption, which is always great, as i speak for myself i was adopted into a family where the parents can not have kids, so i think it is a great alternative, if a couple wants to have kids and can't, and so what if they concealed it for a number of years, the question is do you love your partner? then being able to conceal that you cant have kids should be brought out when you are ready to express it, not when it is mandatory for you to express it,

Answer 10

I personally do not want to have kids - so it would be a bonus rather than a detriment if a guy could not have kids. I do think that is something (either can't or don't want to have kids) that should be revealed pretty close to the beginning of a relationship (not first date - but before things get really serious).