OK my to be MIL is driving me crazy... nick picking every detail of my wedding the latest is the invitation... because my parents are divorced and my dad died last year of cancer I have chosed not to put parents name ont he invite. Mind you I am paying for this wedding with money my father left me after he died... and me and my to be husband are going to pay it back over a years time.she wanted to put her name on the invite because she is his mother and she wants people to know she is his mother...After test printing the invite i decided to just have our names mind and my to be husbands... which she shared her displeasure in. But she had to nerve to call me yesterday and tell me I needed to change the invite because the man's name comes first always. Am I crazy or does the womans name come first because I have looked all over the net and they womans name is first on everything. I have given her specific duties. flowers, centerpieces, and my favors... Please help she still nick picking!
2007-03-12 04:12:57 · 17 answers · asked by Lizzie 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
She feels that she is "losing" her son and that she will no longer be important in his life. He should sit down and talk with her and let her know he cares for her but that she has done her best and he is now grown and mature, thanks to her, and is moving on as he should in life thanks to her parenting.
He should then share your angst with her and remind her that it is your and his wedding. She has a part in the wedding but the rest of the plans are yours.
I would also be cautious with the words I use when talking with her about her part in the wedding. Saying that you have "given" her specific "duties" makes it sound like a job and not a joyful sharing in the day.
2007-03-12 04:19:59 · answer #1 · answered by Blue 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
First of all who cares who comes first the girls or guys name. She is just trying to find things to argue with you about. And she seems to be doing a good job on that. Try to cut her off with all the details your husband and you are doing on this wedding the less she knows the less she will complain to you. You soon to be husband should stand up for you and tell his mother to back off. Its very common for the inlaws to get on your nervous. But best thing to do is just ignore what shes saying and just let it go in one ear and out the other. This is your wedding and I am sure its already stressful enough trying to plan this than to have someone keep nagging about it. As hard as it seems just put a smile on and let it slide, once this wedding is over than you can have your time when you can tell her whats on you mind.
Congrats and hope all goes well.
2007-03-12 05:02:32 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would reminder her that your wedding day is YOUR wedding day. She has had hers. Now she needs to let you plan yours. I would start by talking to your soon to be husband. I would tell him how you feel, and maybe you both can sit down and talk to her about it. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to help plan your wonderful day. In the end she has to remember it's for you not her. Most MIL get excited over the wedding of thier child. She just wants it to be what she thinks is perfect. So really it's nice that she is trying to help. She just needs to step back and leave the final desicions to you and your soon to be husband. Let her know you will consider her thoughts, but you have final say so. It's your day and I hope you have a great one!
2007-03-12 04:25:27 · answer #3 · answered by Greg 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You might as well get this over with right now because this will seem like a picnic in the park compared to how she will be when you give birth to HER grandchild. Don't plan on her son being able to do it. She's run over him so many years he thinks it is normal. Really, this is a cat fight and you better win round one or you'll never have a minuets peace. I know as my MIL called 13 times one day and I finally had to go off on her. BTW I am now a MIL but I give my kids lots of space and they come looking for me. My DILs are both wonderful women and my friends Good Luck and God Bless
2007-03-12 05:44:58 · answer #4 · answered by moonrose777 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your name comes first by tradition. She can go check that in any etiquette book.
You are paying for the wedding which means she does not get to hold you hostage to her whims. Thank her sweetly for her suggestions and then do it the way you want. If she's being a pain, simply do not include her in discussions from here on out. While there is something to be said for being nice to a woman who is about to be family, you also needs to establish boundaries *now* ot you will find her trying to tell you how to do everything from here on out. Not helpful in a new marriage.
Best wishes!
2007-03-12 05:42:14 · answer #5 · answered by elsa_bard 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are going to have to learn to be diplomatic. This woman is going to be in your life for a long time especially if you have children. I hope you will come to see the good things about her and come to love her. And I hope she will be a good mil to you. Now all that said, just one more thing on her side: I think it's probably really hard to be a mother in law to the bride. The bride gets all the attention and usually makes all the decisions but in reality it's her child's wedding too. I am currently helping my daughter plan her wedding. Her fiance' is from a family of all boys, so naturally his mother (and grandmother and aunt) is totally over the top excited by the wedding.
You are correct that the brides name appears first on the invitation. It is you and your fiance's wedding. If the two of you decide to not include parents' names, then so be it.
This is the most important thing I have to say about this whole matter: You need to back down and not be confrontational with your future mil. Let her son handle her. You just need to be really sweet and understanding. Now your fiance' may not like having to take a stand with his mother (most men hate confrontations) but it's part of his growing up process of learning to be a man. Plus he will do it gently and with love and believe me, she will accept it more from him than from you. He needs to take responsibility for the decisions you two made and present the decision to his mother as what he wants. In other words, he should not make it seem like he is just trying to please you. She will respect the decision more if she thinks it is his idea. In the meantime, be sure you are not just dictating chores for her to do. Ask her how she would like to be involved and then make room for her. Even if you have to compromise a little. The wedding is a one day event, the marriage is what's really important. Do not lose sight of this. This is the woman who raised the man that you love. That says quite a bit for her. Mother's Day is coming up. Why not get something for her from just YOU. Don't tell you finace' that your doing this. It will impress him and her too. Truly I wish you all the luck in the world ( we really make our own luck) I love my mother in law and hope you will be able to have a wonderful friend in yours!!!
2007-03-12 05:08:59 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
ok, well i would hate to be in that situation too, butttt, you should put the parents names on there, i mean these are the people who brought you in the world, i understand why you MIL would be acting like this, i know that your father has already passed away, but your still his daughter, and not only that he gave you the money for this wedding the least you can do for your dad is at least put his name on the invite.... with that being said, your MIL is crazy for telling you that her son should be first on the invite, she is only doing that because you didn't put her name on there.... she is the MIL, this is how some MIL act, she shouldn't let it bother you too much, because whether you like her not, she will always be there right beside, you talking mess about every decision you make, so if you dont want to end up like Deborah from "everybody loves raymond" then you need to put your food down, and tell her something, bye and congrats with your wedding to be, and good luck with the MIL... :o)
P.S. you should watch the movie monster in law with your mother in law, just a suggestion...
2007-03-12 04:22:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋
I agree with Bluebell, that you both need to take a stand. Your husband needs to step up too. In fact if you are the only one stepping up, it's not going to do any good. I have been around this merry-go-round a couple of times before we got the hang of it.
It wasn't until my husband took a stand against his own mother and saw that she was being vindictive that she watched her P's and Q's. It had to be completely him, because she had to see that I wasn't coaxing him, but that he didn't like the way she was treating me, and he was doing something about it.
Your future husband needs to step up and choose you. Once you get married, yes you become part of each other's families, but you are your own family as well. And he needs to put you first above any other family members or your marriage is going to suffer.
After my husband took the first stand on his own, I was able to have freedom to take my own stands and she knew she had to respect them. Now, I tell it like it is.
2007-03-12 05:01:04 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off girls before boys.
And I put my parents on our invite but you have a different circumstance. I just did out of respect without them (his parents too) we wouldn't be who we are. But it's a personal choice -
Think about this someday you will be a mom perhaps.
AND it would nice to be thought of. She is a control freak and you have a point about your family but you could say the "late" and honor your dad during your special day/time.
Just my two cents. - and if she's on you about this chances are she's going to be part of your "big choices" forever.
Good Luck.
2007-03-12 04:44:00 · answer #9 · answered by kelly e 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well be polite as possible, don't start your life with you new husband with tension between his mother and you! So just tell her with all due respect, that you and her son are the ones to decide this! You are not trying to hurt her by not having her name on the invitation but in the situation you are in it seems to be the best for you and her son. You respect her opinion and care about her feelings but this is your wedding not hers! And trust me years from now she won't care about some trivial little detail!
2007-03-12 04:20:43 · answer #10 · answered by ohmylanta 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋