Should I turn my back on my 20 year old son?

Question

My son quit school in the 11th grade. He was arrested for hit and run then didn't continue his parole. He moved here from TX and I told him he had to get a job and his GED by April 15 or move out. He has some type of anger issues. He gets mad, then happy, then depressed. At his friends last night, he beat up his 18-yr-old brother. They were going to call the police on him and he took off in Nashville, walking. He called me at 2:00 AM and said he wished his brother had died instead of his step-brother, who killed himself this past August. I was trying to talk to him but he kept yelling that he wanted to die, wasn't going back to jail and would kill himself first, then he said "F*&^ You too mom!" I've tried to help him. I love him and when he is in a good mood, he is the best person to be around. Now my husband said if my son comes back home, he will leave me. I'm so worried about my oldest child, don't know what to do to help, and wonder why my husband would leave because of this.

My husband and I have been married just 1 1/2 years and my son came to live with me after his step-brother killed himself. I know my son has problems, but I can't stand the thought of him out there with no where to go, and possibly killing himself. I'm hurt and scared and just don't know what to do anymore.

Okay, Linda Lou, who are you? My name, and my knick names, are all those you mentioned. I wonder if I know you? You can email me!

My son called. Asked how his brother was. I told him his brother has two black eyes, the white of one is now red, and he has cuts on his head. He said it wasn't his fault and his brother gets everything and gets away with everything and never takes the blame for anything. I reminded him of the time he wrecked is dads car in TX, and I called the two truck for him and paid for him to get home. I spent $800 on bail to get him out of jail. I've helped every time he has called me with a problem, and now it's time for him to take responsibility and stop blaming everyone else for his problems. I told him he can't come home cause his brother is afraid of him now. I got angry and hung up on him and he has called back several times but I won't answer the phone. I'm really hurting and scared, but I can't talk to him right now. Thank you all so much for your caring words and you have offered such wonderful help!

Answer 1

Well, that's certainly a tough situation.

First, I don't agree with your husband's threat of leaving you, but I see where he is coming from. Your son has left the nest. Probably a bit early, but he's taken flight, and retreating home to mom is not going to help him out. He's made some bad choices along the way. He's continuing to make bad choices. That's part of being an adult. You can't try to take that away from him without humiliating him and causing him to resent you. All you can really do is be there for him when he needs someone to talk to. Giving him money or a place to stay just doesn't really fix anything. It also introduces strife in the home for everyone else. Just look at the other questions on here regarding someones spouse letting a "down on their luck" or "good hearted person who keeps getting in trouble" relative stay with them. "For better or worse" isn't a loophole to invite problems into your home.

One thing you can do is to communicate with the people who know him. Ask his brothers or sisters about his behavior and if he is using drugs. Ask his friends. Get a feel for the things influencing his situation. He may be able to benefit from drug rehabilitation, but it has to be something he wants for himself, or it is useless. He may benefit from medication for his apparent depression / bi-polar condition.

I think his suggestion of killing himself isn't so much a warning as a bid for attention. You can love him without coddling him. This may sound odd, but when he calls you again (or when you call him, if you can) you should invite him over for a drink. Share a couple beers (no liquor) with your son and talk about life. (It isn't illegal for a minor to drink at home, just in public.) Your husband should be home and within shouting range, but not part of the conversation. Have a friend pick him up or get him a cab when your conversation is at an end. You really shouldn't let him stay the night, even if your talk is really positive. If it works, invite him over a week later or so.

It is okay to love your son. One of the universal constants is a mother's love for her children. Trying to fix him is another matter. You can really only support him when he is ready to fix himself.

Answer 2

It sounds to me that this family has been through quite a lot in the last two years. Have you tried family counseling? It seems your oldest son definitely has some things on his chest that he is having a hard time dealing with. So the last thing he needs is his mom turning her back on him. Your husband should be a little more understanding in the fact that it is your son. You nor does your husband get to choose when it is convienient to be a parent. You are a parent and your children should come first. Your son also needs to step up and be a man and take some responsibility for his actions. I agree at 20 yrs old he should be working or trying to get his GED. You shouldnt have to spoon feed him into his 30's either. Talk with him and see what is really bothering him and maybe try some FAMILY counseling.

Answer 3

Sounds alot like my brother - who to this day I am very distant from (his choice). My parents have given him everything in life - a place to live (besides their home) a job, money, unconditional love and hope and the issues with my brother continue. My parents don't want to face the fact that there are mental issues with my brother but he and your son obviously cannot continue life like this - all he is doing is hurting himself and those around him. The ultimatum you give him is good - you have to give him some kind of rules/threat or he will think what he's doing is ok and acceptable. Ultimately though, it's his life - if he doesn't want to change it, you can't go down with him...try to intervene, possibly with a girlfriend, siblings, etc. and pursuade him to seek professional help. If he doesn't "get it" he'll end up in jail or worse, but again - his choice. I know it must be difficult to see your child take a path you never intended but there comes an age where you are no longer responsible for him and he has to make his own choices. Good luck!!

Answer 4

Don't turn your back on your son. He desperately needs you, whether he will admit it or not. It sounds to me that he may be Bi-Polar/Manic Depressive. If you can talk to him, try to talk him into admitting himself into the hospital for psychiatric care. Let him know, that no matter what you love him, and that you are there for him, but that he needs to help himself. Many bi-polar people do have a lot of anger...they can't understand what is happening, and it's really frustrating, and sometimes anger is the only way they are able to express themselves. It's no surprise to me that he didn't finish school or can't hold down a job, this can be typical of Bi-Polar people. They can't focus long enough to be able to achieve a long term goal. Then they feel like they let everyone, including themselves down. There are medications that can control this, and they work wonders. I'm sorry, but your husband should be supportive of you...this is your son you're talking about. So many people do not understand mental illness, and so they choose to not deal with it. Your son deserves to have a better life, and if he gets the help he needs he can have it. I wish you the best...and also your son...I hope he will listen to you and admit himself.

Answer 5

It sounds as though he has bi-polar disorder. I think you should stick to your agreement - out by April 15th if no GED. He is 20 and should be moving out soon anyway. My in laws had a similar situation with their son, quit school in the 12th grade, no GED, bi-polar disorder, threats of suicide, schizophrenia, walking off, stealing from them, mooching off of them, not moving out, never holding a job for more than a couple of weeks. The wife finally said either he needs to go or I go. They helped him get a place and support him for a while, he'd disobey the rules of the apartments and get kicked out, they continued to help him, encouraged him to get his GED - to no avail, which he finally did at the age of 24 with the help of his girlfriend (thank God for her!) So with his situation I believe it will take 4/5years before he comes around. Unfortunatly it will be a long hard process. I think your husband should agree to the April 15th rule too. Let him know he will be out by then. Make sure your son understands that you care about him (try hard not to nag). But you can't babysit an adult forever. And unfortunatly you can't prevent him from killing himself. I pray to God that doesn't happen. Maybe you can see if he'll go to a doctor to determine if he needs medication. Perhaps you and your husband can go to counseling. All I can say is hang in there! I feel for you and there are many other people out there that are going through what you are. You aren't alone.

Answer 6

maybe turning your back is the wrong way to look at it. how about a little tough love? he's a pretty angry kid and he probably doesn't even know why so it's displaced. the things he said to you are awful but if he called to tell you that, he's probably asking for help, in his own way.you could offer him some professional help. if he chooses to come home he'll have to make a genuine attempt at getting to the root of his issues or you can't help him. it's a tough thing to do but when you've exhausted all of your possibilities, there isn't much else you can do but let him go his own way. i wish there were more i could say. i've been through a similar situation with my son but at a younger age. best of luck to you.

Answer 7

I agree with GulfStream...It sounds like bipolar. It could just be a temporary thing brought on by the trauma that he's been through with the death of his step-brother, but it needs to be helped now. I suggest taking him to a psychologist and they would talk to him and give a proper diagnosis and possibly prescription medication for the time being. I don't think you should turn your back on him though. Even if you did decide to turn your back, right now isn't a good time to do it because he's in such a bad spot in his life right now and I don't think you could deal with not being able to know where he is or how he is doing. You are his mom and if he has no one else to turn to, then he needs you more than ever right now. If something bad happened to him, you will regret it if you turn your back on him so just don't do it, but do try to get him help.

Answer 8

If you decided to let your son work out his own problems, you wouldn't be turning your back on him. It sounds like he may have a drug problem going on. You may also want to tell your son to get checked by a physician to see if his behaviors are a result of a chemical imbalance.

At twenty, your son needs to be taking care of himself. If you protect him from the police and make excuses for his behaviors, you are enabling him to continue acting like an angry child. He needs to be on his own and not causing all this chaos at home.

I have three sons. My oldest son acted a lot like your son. I got so sick of it that I quit helping him or listening to his verbal abuse. Four years passed before he got his life back in order, and in that time I didn't have communication with him. It was so painful. However, now he has a good life going for himself and we get along so well. He has apologized a hundred times and also thanked me for helping him find himself.

Let him go for a time Mom. He has to grow up on his own and you need to live as normal a life as possible. Hopefully he'll find his way back. Annie

Answer 9

It seems to me that when a child is grown and is doing adult things, he has to be responsible for his own behavior. When a parent bails out an adult child and that child refuses to take responsibility for his actions, that parent is enabling the child. My advice to you is to let your son know that you love him, but he has to find his own place to live, especially since you gave him a deadline of April 15 to get his GED. Is your husband willing to allow him to stay until that deadline.

If your husband won't, do you want to put your adult child's needs over the needs of your husband?

But I do see that your son has emotional issues and is definitely in need of some mental health treatment. I agree with the other responder; Is there a way to get your son under observation by a mental health professional. It sounds like he has a more than just anger issues - I would wonder if he also has some substance abuse issues as well.

As a mom of a teenager, I know that this time is very stressful for you. It sounds like you have tried to be there for your son, but he is only calling you and relying on you when he has no where else to turn. As a mom, you want to be there for him because that's in our nature as moms to care for our kids. But your son is making his own bed now and he needs to take responsibility.

I'm saying a prayer for you and your family at this time, that you will use wisdom in dealing with this situation. You sound like a very loving mother who is trapped in a difficult situation.

Answer 10

Your son needs medical and psycological help. He is sounds like he's suffering from clinical depression. I have dealt with this in my own family. BUT, the fact is you cannot force him to seek help, and it is not fair to you to dwell on the issue too much. You can care what happens to him but untill he realizes his problem and seeks help there is really nothing you can do. Love him and be there for him IF he seeks your advise. Don't push the issue or you will drive him further away. People like your son are hurting inside and they don't know why. You are right in giving him a deadline to get his life in order. You must stick to it. He is an adult and needs to become productive and indipendent. Your husband shouldn't expect you to abandon your son, but you shouldn't let your son's problems interfere with your happiness either. I know this isn't alot of help but know I feel for you. I am sorry for your situation and hope you and your family can overcome this problem.