smile please?

Question

Funniest one line jokes.

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"

Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."



"What did one ghost say to another?"

"Do you believe in people?"



My friend has a fine watch dog.

At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.



They call our language the mother tongue

because the father seldom gets to speak.



"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait someone else is using it."



When I told the doctor about my loss of memory,

he made me pay in advance.



"Where did you get those big eyes?"

"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon.

My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot.

I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid.

Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."

"Good. You see where they go and I'll find

out where they came from."



"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"

"Yes if you're lucky."



A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas,

wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.






"My wife doesn't know what she wants."

"You're lucky. My wife does."





We have a quiet home life.

I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.





"What do use for washing dishes?"

"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."



"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"

"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him
happy?"





"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

Answer 1

loved it as much as i love all
==========

Answer 2

funny ty ty

Let me return the favour.

A bicycle cannot stand alone.
It is two tired.

A Will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

If you don't pay your exorcist you might be repossessed.

If a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. (GROAN)

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you have seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine? He is fully recovered.

What is a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

The grenade exploded on the French kitchen floor.
It resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you cannot budge it.

What is a short fortune teller who escapes from prison?
A small medium at large.

Thanks.. LOL

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Answer 3

keep up the great work.

a fisherman met a magic fish, which said would grant him one wish. he wished to be cleverer than any man on earth. the fish turned him inoto a woman.

doctor to patient: i'm afraid you've only got 3 weeks to live.
patient to doctor: then i'll take the last 2 weeks of July and the week between Christmas and new year's day.

the company that manufactures LEGO is shutting down. employees said it's their fault they made the factory so easy to take apart.

Answer 4

A boss is like a diaper.

Always on your *** and always full of chit

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [name of the person who signed the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book].

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate [employment/publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,
[your name]

man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom.

Answer 5

Nice joke , There is a saying " Laughter is the best medicine".Keep the good work up .

Answer 6

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
A joke a moment, keeps worries away.

Answer 7

Tooooooooooo good! You could take my photo b'coz I was all the time smiling and laughing.Thanx 4 the smile.

Answer 8

My Dear,

Why are you not start a "Jokes Group" to explain the feelings on regular basis?

Answer 9

Nice.

Answer 10

Very Good!! " My wife and I were happy for 20 years.... .
then we met! "

Answer 11

Nas....Nas....Nas.....what a great jokes....after a long time ...I just laughed...like ...un controllable....I couldnt stop laughing. Keep it up ...and pls.e mail me ...next time you post more jokes.