Does he still love me?

Question

He broke up with me among other reasons because of the distance; I'm in New York; he's in Tokyo. We started dating in Tokyo, then I had to move to NY last Sep and we dated long dist. The break up was not mutual, but it was open ended, in that he did not completely rule out the possibility of getting back together once I moved back to Tokyo. I'm moving back to Tokyo to start work there in April; he doesn't know that yet. I should add that another major reason for breaking up was that he did not feel good enough for me due to his educational background, etc, a point of great frustration for me because I don't share in his opinion. He said he could not marry me because he could not make me happy, because he does not and could not have a proper, decent job. I wouldn't mind providing for him, and letting him do what he likes, but he doesn't like such a situation. Now he is being sincere, and I think this makes him even more difficult to read. When we were breaking up, he said his feelings

for me fundamentally have not changed; if he didn't love me he would continue dating me, do I understand? (This kind of consideration for the other person is apparently very much a Japanese style of thought). But then he later said there is no point dating for the reasons he gave (long distance - we cannot see each other; and he can't marry me because he can't get a proper job) and when i asked "then why did you date me to begin with?" he said "my feelings have cooled now and I love you less than in the beginning." He wanted to be friends and as friends, he would email me at the same rate, he said, and I can call him on the phone, we can meet in Tokyo "as friends". But since the break up a few weeks ago he is responding quicker to my emails, initiating conversations, and he writes me: "[my name], hello. [my name], fundamentally there is no problem. [my name], by the way now are you coming to Japan in April?" I am wondering why he wants to know whether I'm coming back to Japan and why

is he talking to me more than when we were dating? When I asked him, he said there is no one new. The last few emails I sent him: "I am going to Japan in mid-April. Dave is coming to visit me from April 10th to the 13th so it will be after that. So it will be in the middle of next month [that we see each other], won't it! I will arrive at Tokyo Narita [airport] on April Xth. Can I see you that week?" He replied: "[my name], good evening. [my name], I think/I am thinking it will be good if/I hope that we can see each other that week. That and [my name], why don't you try telling Dave you love him/asking Dave out." Dave is my best friend and confidante in love and all matters, and my ex knows this, and thinks highly of Dave. Five months ago in Tokyo my ex wrote me: "[my name], for the first time in my life I am seriously hoping and praying for the happiness of someone other than myself. You are after all extremely pretty and lovely. [my name], I honestly seriously love you so much.

[my name], good night (with a throbbing heart mark)." Does he still love me?

Answer 1

He said as much at the end of his e-mail, did he not?

If you feel that he has been sincere and honest with you both during your relationship and the during the break-up, why question what seems to be obvious?

The question is more if you still love him and want to get back together. If that's case, you should arrange to meet him once you've settled back in Tokyo, but only if it's something you want.

It seems like some of the cultural values are clashing with the relationship values or at least the ones you hold, and you will have to convince him or show him how he can provide for you in other ways, even if not monetarily.

Answer 2

This is an honest answer. I don't think he knows. He sounds confused.
It sounds like he is more in love with you than he thought earlier and would like to see things move in that direction for awhile to see if he can shake his insecurities about not being able to provide you financially with the things he would like.

His ego is on the line. If he is Japanese, I get it. The men are like that. For a woman to make more money than the man is considered a disgrace. He doesn't want to feel embarrassed but at the same time he is struggling with his feelings for you.

The only way to find out how this will play out is to wait until you get there.

Maybe you can convince him to live in the states where he wouldn't be frowned upon or something.
Maybe you could help him get into the field of work YOU are in so he would be a financial equal.

There have got to be ways to remedy this situation.
Wait til you get there and talk to him. Make him understand that American women are the chief income providers all the time. It's common place and no one looks badly on that.

I feel for you. I really think he loves you but is just afraid of what others would think.

You need to have a serious talk about this. It would be a shame to throw away such a precious love, just over an insecure ego.

Good Luck.

Answer 3

it seems he may love u, but u know the saying- sometimes love just isn't enough. And that song, those sayings are just for these types of occasions. honestly i would give u totally different advice if he was moving here to n.y. But its the other way around. and im an american born n bred but i have japanese relatives (for reasons that are too long to explain here), and i understand the cultural problem u speak of, and i am sorry to be the barer of harsh realtiy but unless u move here with him, he will always feel like a broken man, and less of a man if he is not the head of the house (by japanese standards). this could possibly be overcome in the states, but certaintly, definitly, not actually in japan. sadly ur story with this man may ust end up with a really sad ending, and im sorry for that, but the sooner you accept that ur differences will always be to great, the sooner u can find the right guy for you. Im sorry. Cultural differences are a mother! Its so hard being american and trying to understand that perspective he has, but do not understimate it, it wont change, you cant change it. Good luck

Answer 4

As you know there are many kinds of love. The love that this man seems to have for you is the love of a good friend. He obviously cares for you very much, and is praying for your happiness, yet he is praying that you find happiness with another man not himself. I've learned a long time ago, that if a man says he is not the one for you, he should know and you should believe him. He is not ready to be able to provide for you, and that is a very important thing to a man. I understand that you are able to provide for yourself, and are even willing to be the primary provider in the relationship; however he has told you that he is not comfortable with that idea. At this time, he is not willing to commit to any relationship until he is better established in a job that can provide for his partner. He sounds like a very wise, proud man, and you need to respect his feelings and wishes. Maybe he will one day be ready, but he is not ready now. You need to start looking at this relationship as a friendship instead of romantic relationship, and who knows maybe in the future you could actually end up marrying your best friend...I hope your visit goes well when you move back to Tokyo, and you stay friends for many many years to come, whether it progresses or not.

Answer 5

Yeah he does.

Your man in Tokyo has decided, but he's got cultural issues that aren't his problem, they are yours, in that you need to understand his need to be a sarariman / warrior, in his own country, surrounded by his family and job.

Sounds like a traditional Japanese man. If you love him, marry him, once you know you will be staying in Japan.

Assess your career..if it is more important to you then being married to him, then don't get married, but let him know you love him, if you do.

He SOUNDS like he seriously loves you, and perhaps his family is pushing him to work harder to find a better job, provide for his family, which could be you.

His feelings have cooled for you, certainly, since you were around the planet, and use dave as your backup / standby.

I am guessing Dave is also an english speaker. Decide who you love more between them.

Read the following, Your Words, a few times, carefully, until the light comes on:
"I wouldn't mind providing for him, and letting him do what he likes, but he doesn't like such a situation."

He's the man, in his culture. You want to be in charge, "letting him do what he wants." If you want to marry him, in his culture, he's got to be in charge.

I don't think the money is really the issue, but your perception of how you feel Empowered By Money.

He won't say this to your face to be polite. I am sure he admires your business savvy and capability. But You said also: The breakup was not mutual. You were empowered to be free to flit back to New York. Now you are back. You have the power, and you know it, all to well it seems, in your subconscious.

Look around at the Japanese women, and their culture. When you submit, he'll likely propose... I THINK.

Good Luck. I think you have a chance at happiness, but realize you will always be Gaijin, to them. But I think it might work, if you adopt your future husband's culture.

It is about choices, and consequences of those choices.

Answer 6

Ooh Shem on you men
are you a American ?
don't think that Tokyo holes.
find a new chick in US.
you can get lot of fun with more and more girl.
girls are nothing men.
lets enjoy your life.
get SAM beer with your friend.
life is too short.

Answer 7

my boyfriend and i started dating in Ohio, 2 years ago. in September, he moved to California and we broke up. he had said that he loved me but it wasnt the same, also... we still talked everyday and decided that we were still very much in love and didnt want to be apart. a month ago, i moved to California. we got an apartment together and everything is wonderful. it's like we were never even apart. but the 4 and a half months in between sucked majorly

Answer 8

The Chinese/Japanese race are a very honourable people, and it would be very demeaning, especially to a man, if he was not the bread winner of the family.

Answer 9

It sounds like Dave loves you.

Answer 10

he is very confusing. but it sounds like he probably cares about you a lot. he probably feels like you are too independant for him. if you want him back go see him and ask him how he feels, hopefully he will be honest. good luck