Masterbation. Does it hurt a relationship?

Question

I am 24 and a new mom of a 7 month old high needs baby. My partner and I get little time to each other. When I get horny I masterbate. He caught me doing it and proclaimed I was being "selfish" and "ruining our relationship". It's the only thing I can do to combat being horny.

When we do have sex it's lame, boring, and bland. Missionary position. It's predictable and I have lost all interest on top of being terrified to get pregnant again. I also dislike being physically touched because of poor self image which the other night he stated makes him unable to perform 100% because I have issues with my weight/self image after being pregnant.

If it wasn't for masterbation I'd probably be seeking another partner. When he attempts to make me orgasm I have to put every effort into getting off and I have to even think about the porn etc... because he is not mentally stimulating me or getting me in the mood for sex.

Any advice? HELP! Tia!

Answer 1

1. Many women lose interest in sex for a while after giving birth.
2. It also is normal to have lessened interest in sex when you have poor body image. However, men are NOT very understanding of this. Our attitude is "HellllloooO! I WANT to have sex with you. I'm the one looking at you and judging whether you are sexy. If you're turning me down for sex because you don't like the way you look, that is VERY screwed up!!!"
3. It sounds as if you are resentful against him for your lack of sexual interest in him. Of course he doesn't like that.
4. While you want him to be more attentive, active, whatever, you're not giving him great positive feedback when he tries, are you? And you're not giving him a lot of consistent and useful guidance of how to turn you on more, are you?

Here's an idea that not enough couples try -- let HIM hold the vibrator for you. Direct him as needed. That should improve sexual communication and interaction.

And don't shut him down for both intercourse and oral sex. Give him one or the other, at a minimum, in ample quantity.

Answer 2

It sounds like you are just selfish, and not because you masturbate. It isn't a big deal if you toss one off every once in a while but if you aren't meeting each other's needs then you need to sit each other down and talk about it. If you can't be up front with each other, you're both screwed.