Who is being unreasonable in this situation?

Question

Lately I have been feeling guilty about constantly telling my boyfriends mom no. My bf and I are expecting our first child and from day one we have made it very clear that we want to share these first experiences with each other and not a whole audience. Well from day one his mom has wanted to be at the ultrasound, doctors appt's., in the delivery room, painting my nursery, picking out more personal things for the baby, showing my stomach to friends of hers that I do not know, wanting to take pictures of my stomach and so forth. My bf has told her over and over I am not comfortable with this stuff and every time she cries and I feel guilty. She is not trying to lay a guilt trip, she's just over excited about this whole pregnancy. I am just going crazy and I do not want to waiver on my stands. So whose wrong, her for ignoring our wants or me for not caving hardly at all? Advice please, I am going to go nuts!!!

I figured we were both probably somewhere in the right, now unfortunately I just feel more guilty :( LOL

BTW REnate, marriage does not create a happy home, love does and we have been loving each other for 7 years and we will love this child forever.

Answer 1

she is being unreasonable it is your baby and your body you and your boyfriend should enjoy this together she had her chance to make babies her way she should let you have yours without making you uncomfortable i know what your going through my mother in law thought it was okay to manhandle my breasts while i was learning to breastfeed my daughter, talk about personal

Answer 2

Well, I can see where she's coming from... her little boy is now having a baby of his own and this is an exciting time for her. But she does have to understand your limits. If your own mother doesn't act this way, then why should she expect that it's ok if SHE does? If I were you, I would stand my ground, but maybe you could also sit down and think of a list of things that you wouldn't mind her helping with? Like maybe if you still needed a bassinet for example, you could give her free will to run out and find one that she likes and let her get it for you. Just pick some things that you don't especially care about and let her "control" them. And also, maybe you could tell her that she can come to every other dr appointment, or she can be at the hospital when the baby comes, but not in the delivery room. She sounds like she is probably a sweet woman, so let her enjoy some things, but still remind her that this is your special time. Good luck!

Answer 3

I think a bit of both,I just had my first baby and my mom went crazy as well!!I understand how you feel,I too had my mother in law the same way but I was very easy going about it,if this is your bf's moms first grandchild it would be very exciting for her.Try not to be too hard on her,I am sure she is just very excited,but be sure to voice your opinion directly to her,don't always let your bf do the talking,she may get the point more if you talk to her.Good luck.This is your baby and you are the one to make the final decisions on everything but maybe just let her give her input to help her feel like she is a part of this which I am sure that is what she wants to feel.

Your soooooooo right that do not have to be married to create a happy home,I am not married either and we never plan to be married.I call my bf my husband,he is after all we have been together for 9 years,what the heck is a piece of paper going to change??We love our baby with all our hearts and a piece of paper will never change that!!To each there own,you never asked the question of wether or not your should be married did you??:) cheers to you and your beautiful unborn miracle!

Answer 4

If this is her first grandchild then she must be very excited. You may need to find a balance for the two of you. Perhaps let her come to an appt with you, or one shopping trip. But be firm and tell her that you have expectations with this pregnancy that you feel she is walking over. Remind her that she has had her chance with her babies and now it is your turn. Keep being firm or she will continue to get in your way.
I'm lucky with my mother in law because she lives 4 hours away and hates driving. When we where trying to fall pregnant, she would ring daily to see how we were going and just interfere with what we were doing. Eventually I snapped at her one day and she finally understood where I was coming from and has given me space ever since.
Compromise is the key to any relationship. Good luck

Answer 5

I kinda had the same problem. My boyfriend's (at the time, now he is my husband) tended to lean towards controlling. I just avoided her at all costs, and tried not to let it get to me TOO much. On the other hand, she is just excited about being a grandparent and is probably going to be a good one. I would just sit her down, you and her and let her know how you feel. Oh, and I wasn't planning on my mother in law being in the delivery room either but she was, she just kind of sat back in the back and watched. The only thing I insisted on is that she NOT take any pictures of me "down there". She tried once while Ainsley was crowning and Brandon (my husband) told her NO! I would let her know how you feel. Even if she gets her feelings hurt this is YOUR baby and you don't need any more stress than necessary while you are pregnant. Oh ya, and about the her showing the "belly" try this: (I did this to several strangers while I was pregnant) If she tries to touch it, touch hers. It will make her uncomfortable which is how you feel. Also if she lifts your shirt or something, lift hers!! I promise it will get the point across. GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 6

You are not being unreasonable at all. This woman is clearly invading your personal space. Yes, granted she has a right to be excited, but she has had her turn at all this, (i.e. picking out the nursery colours, the ultrasounds, baby shopping), now it's your turn. You can simply just start avoiding her. If you don't have caller I.D., get it and just don't answer her calls. If she insists on dropping by, tell her your tired and your just about to go lay down. Don't ever feel guilty for not wanting to be paraded around like some showcase animal to all of her friends. Also, if you think she is bad now, just wait till the baby is born... it will be ten times worse. So if you don't start to enforce your rules of personal space now, your doomed. That's just the way I see it. Congrats on your pregnancy.

Answer 7

Congratulations on the new baby. :) It is hard to do but just count your blessings that your child will have an extended family that loves him. Many MIL's don't care at all.

I wouldn't tell her when your OB appointments are. If she asks tell her you aren't positive or tell her when it is but that you are trying to change it to another date. Or tell her that you are going to go alone because afterwards you are doing something else.

Stick to your guns about the delivery room. Tell her you are really sorry and it isn't about her, it is about you, your boyfriend, and your new baby. She'll have to understand.

Let her help with the shopping and painting. The more the merrier. :)

And let her know that you aren't comfortable showing off your stomache. It is your body and she must respect that.

Sit down and have a heart to heart and beat her to the tears! Say first, "I know that you are so excited about the baby and I can't express how much that means to me BUT..."

Take Care. SD

Answer 8

Obviously, she is thrilled about becoming a grandma. Maybe you and her son should sit down with her and explain that you want to do some of these things just the two of you. That you are not trying to shut her out, you just want to experience some of the personal stuff as a couple. Compromise with her, maybe let her help you paint or wallpaper in the babys room and pick out a few personal things for the baby. As far as wanting to take pictures of you and your stomach, if that makes you feel uncomfortable, then don't let her do it. Tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable and you don't want everybody and their brother seeing your bare tummy. Lay down ground rules and I think everyone will be happy. You and your boyfriend will get more personal, private time with the approaching birth and your mother in law will feel that she is going to be part of her grandchilds birth and life.

You may get more tears, but if you approach this with love and caring and let grandma to be feel that she will be an important part of you and your babys life, then it may be a bit more easier for her to take. Be happy that you have a mother in law that likes you and wants to be part of your life and is excited about her new grandchild.

Answer 9

i think your mother in law should back off. that is way too much attention and stress that you don't need. you have the right of deciding who goes where with you. please don't feel guilty when she cries cos she is just doing the whole guilt trip thing. don't give in this is yours and your husbands baby not hers. i am pregnant myself and have had nothing but support whcih is great noone in my family has asked to be at the birth or the ultrasounds or anything. its not normal she is obsessed and needs help.

and that comment by renate im pregnant to my boyfriend of 5 years we are getting married next year but not beacuse of the baby. we love each other very much and will love the baby dearly i think i perfect environment for a baby.

Answer 10

Those, to me, are all extremely strange, and not her place.

"Call me as soon as you get home from the ultrasound!" -- sure!
"I found this darling little baby outfit and just couldn't resist buying it!" -- thanks!

But -- doctor's appt, delivery room, etc? Go away. Wanting it to be just for the parents is not only fine, but maybe a good idea; I'm sure it helps to bond over those things.

Yes, she's excited, as people have pointed out, but you sound smothered. Don't cave, you don't need the stress (or the set-up for similar interference with any future siblings). Just be thoroughly polite about your 'go away,' and involve her in what you _want_ to involve her in.

Answer 11

Allow her to help you with the nursery. Even let her clean your house, or put together baby furniture. But tell her that the doc's appointments, which can sometimes be invasive anyway, are something for you and him to share... without her. She's excited, and she needs to have a bit of involvement (everyone who has a mother in law has to bite their tongue eventually). But you have total control over how much involvement she has. You just need to draw the line over how personal you want her to get.